I'm 16 and i have depression....

[thisisme]

i don't know where to start, I'm just kinda rambling now...

i have depression and need a friend

I'm 16 and I've been suffering for 4 years, since the beginning of high school. No surprise that the cause of it all is a dysfunctional broken family, but also intense school anxiety and social phobia and a bunch of other pathetic stuff. 

When i'm home, i feel so trapped. i think alot and i would stay up till 3 in the morning thinking about dying. In a dysfunctional family how do i get better when the the others are having problems of their own? I feel so isolated, i really have no one to talk to but the voice in my head. When i'm at home i suffer but at school, i'm so different

At school i'm known as the nice, sweet and smiling Asian girl, i have never tried or attempted to express my emotions because its become a routine to put on a mask everyday to hide it from anyone. My group is a bunch of cynical pessimistic people. i have some charming positive friends who are really nice to me, but they're only in my classes and seem to have better friends to hang out with. 

Internally i'm going through hell but i act like i'm happy around other people... whats wrong with me?

[geoff]

dear Thisisme, I want to thank you for coming here for support.

I would think that you would still be up now, with so much going on in your mind, and all of these thoughts have caused depression, because your stuck in one spot.

There are so many problems that you have to cope with at the moment, your dysfunctional family and in particular at school ' a bunch of pessimistic people' to have to deal with, and all of these are no help for you.

These charming 'friends' who want other people to hang out with maybe able to see through your fake face, or perhaps any comments that you make, and again non of this helping you at all.

I am curious about 'this other pathetic stuff' which you have mentioned, as everything that you have said all add up to your depression, so what I am saying is that you can't avoid one of these problems to try and get better, because it's still there in the background, and for sure it's going to haunt you down the track, so we have to find a way to try and cope with all of them, or at least block them out.

I am really sorry that people your age have depression problems, but with all the pressures these days it happens quite often, which is so sad.

It must be a huge change going from home and then to school, putting on a fake face then removing it, because there are times when we let the guard down, such as leaving this fake face at home while you go to school, if you know what I mean.

I'm not sure which is the worst out of all these problems, but maybe it's your dysfunctional family that is causing the most trouble, but please let me know. Geoff. x

[Ineedhelp]

It can be very exhausting wearing that mask, believe me I wore it for a long time too. I also have friends who are very cynical and pessimistic, which is sad because it is becoming quite common within our generation. 

Personally the path I took, and recommend you also take is to seek help from a counsellor, If you want to with hold your parents from finding out for the time being then I would suggest inquiring about a free counselling service from your school. Most high schools have a counsellor and believe it or not they are paid to listen to you and to help you with any issues you may have without any judgement. 

In terms of friends, the only ones I had were either cynical and pessimistic, or heavy drug users. I don't hate them for it, if that's who they choose to be then that is none of my concern. I just stopped hanging out with them and that has helped me relax. I suggest you hang around your charming friends more despite what you think about them having 'better friends' because at the end of the day we don't put different values on friendships, they're either your friends or they're not. 

And last but not least there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, You've taken the right steps by coming here and seeking advice and that's the first step to getting out of that internal place you call hell. You can get some really useful advice from this website but I assure you talking to a professional face to face will bring the best results for you. 

[thisisme]

Thank you for rreading my post! It took really long to write it up.