I broke down and cried in class today

[AmyMay2]

Hey, I'm kinda new around here, so I thought I'd introduce myself. I'm Amy (well, that's the name I use online), I'm in year 11, and I think the stress is kinda getting to me. For a while (maybe a month or more, I've lost track) I've been feeling kinda hollow. I'm not sure if it's depression yet, and I don't want to talk to my parents about it until I'm sure, so I thought I'd seek more anonymous help first as a way to stop it from getting any worse.

Normally I wouldn't bother people about my moods, but for the past month or more I've felt empty inside all the time, and it takes a lot to cheer me up. Even if something does get a laugh out of me, the happiness only lasts for a few seconds before it's gone. If I'm reading comedy websites and relaxing then it could last for a couple of hours, but with assignments that's just not possible. And, the real reason I reached out is that it's affecting my relationships. All of my friends have noticed something is wrong, and I hardly join in on con stations anymore because I don't want to ruin their moods. Besides that, I'm also very irritable (although that could come from my insomnia) and I've been snapping at my friends.

I actually broke down and cried in class today (and if my parents ever found out that I'd get a severe young lashing for it) because I had to completely scrap an assignment and start over. It's due on either Friday or Monday, but because of my moods I'm not sure if I'll get it done in time, and I may fail Drama.

And lastly, it's affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. Lastly I've been swinging between irritated at him for 'smothering me' and always staring like he wants to jump in and do everything for me (although I think the irritation is really directed at myself for making him worried) or I've been really needy and almost manipulative (since he's always offering to buy me stuff, mostly food since that's what I like, and I feel like not refusing is sometimes using him).

So... Uh... Yeah. That's me I guess. It actually makes me feel feel a little better to finally tell someone. Then again, I'm in an ok mood at the moment. If I wasn't I don't think I'd have the nerve to put all of this personal stuff in my first post.

[scorch]

Hi Amy

Welcome to BB.  It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now, I'm glad you've come here to get some support.  Just sharing what you're going through can help make things seem more manageable.  Everyone here is really understanding too.  🙂

I've got a couple of questions.  First, your insomnia.  Have you been to the doctor about that?  Do you take any medication for it?  If you haven't seen a Doc, maybe you could make an appointment and there you can talk about the other things that are bothering you. That way you can get an idea of what's going on before you tell your parents.

Also, have you told your boyfriend or your close friends what you are feeling?  Sometimes our friends don't understand why we suddenly start behaving different, so they get confused and back off a bit... but if they know why you're acting the way you are, they won't think it's about them and will probably be fairly supportive (although it depends on the person as to how they react.)  But having a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen can really help take the load off.

Third - your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy.  Don't feel bad for accepting his help.  If he offers to buy you things it's because he cares for you, and that's his way of showing it.  So long as he's offering, he wants you to accept.  The thing about guys is they like to fix things, so when you accept his help he'll feel like he's being useful.  If you feel really bad, just let his know calmly that you really appreciate when he buys you things, but let him know he doesn't need to if he doesn't want to.

Fourth - is there a counsellor or a teacher you feel comfortable talking to at school?  Maybe you can explain how you're feeling and get some help with or an extension on your assignment?  Schools are usually pretty good with that sort of thing, but they never know about your feelings unless you tell someone.

I hope that you'll get some help or comfort from this reply.  These are just suggestions, you gotta do what's best for you... I jush hope I hleped in some way.

Take care, hope to see more posts from you on the forum.

-Scorch

[geoff]

dear AmyMay, I would also like to welcome you to this site, so that we can hopefully give you some advice from all of us who have or still struggling with depression.

Being in year 11 is not easy and all the pressure that just seems to pile up against you is unbearable.

I would approach your teacher to see if he/she can give you an extension to your Drama assignment, however I'm not sure whether or not you will have the energy to finish it, which then brings us back to your parents, who don't seem to be understandable from what you are suffering from, so is it possible for your teacher to contact them and say that there is something wrong with you and also for them not to be harsh on you, either wise it will only make you worse off.

You know depressed people can still laugh, but once that has finished we fall into a hole, and this hole is full of sadness and despair, and your boyfriend is only showering you with gifts because he believes that this will brighten you up, but it's only a temporary fix, but over time this will begin to annoy you.

Before this completely happens it's time for you to see your GP, plus I would click under 'resources' at the top of this page and order all the printed material that BB will send out to you, it's all free, but the information it contains is so informative.

So at the moment you have this assignment for Drama and your parents to contend with, and I am just wondering whether you would be game to mention this to your mum, before the crunch happens.

Hope you can reply back to us. Geoff. x

[AmyMay2]

Thanks for the welcomes! (and thank goodness it was a good day today so I have the energy to reply)

No, I haven't seen a doctor about my insomnia. I'd really like to, but I can't see how I'd set up an appointment without talking to my parents first. I have no idea what kind of doctor to see or how to get there, so I'm kinda stuck in that department. Any advice?

I'm pretty sure my friends have noticed. They're all being really supportive, so at least there's no pressure to hide my feelings there (unlike at home...) I have two close friends I can talk to sometimes (then I end up making myself feel ad about bothering them later) and another friend that's good to complain with, since he like complaining and I don't feel bad about it later. Of course, since he likes complaining it's not good when I need actual support. Balancing talking with the three of them seems to help though.

I guess you're right about that. I'll try calmly explainging next time it gets on my nerves!

I don't really think there are any teachers I can talk to, and to see the counciler would take time out of classes, so I would just fall behind. But I think if I work through the weekend (with breaks to make sure I can think clearly) I might get it done. I'm pretty sure she said there would be no extensions on this one though (or was that the English one? *Sigh*)

I'll check out that recources thing (I hope I can read it off the internet though, since I don't want it sent to my house. I don't think I'm ready to talk to my parents, and if thy find out I joined an oline site I'm going to be in BIG trouble). Is there a way to contact a GP without letting my parents know? I'd like to be SURE it's depression before I talk to them.

Thanks again for the replies! I've been looking foward to checking this all day, and it's nice to know someone can help.

[scorch]

A GP will be able to help you so the easiest thing would be to make an appointment with your local clinic.  Have you got your own medicare card?  You'll need one to make an appointment.  As for privacy, I know in my state that teenagers are allowed to make their own appointments and the doctor must keep it confidential from parents if requested.  There are some exceptions - if a doctor thinks you are being abused or likely to hurt yourself or others they are duty bound to report it up the chain and it will probably get back to your parents. I'm not sure if the requirements are different in each state, so maybe the best thing to do would be call your local clinic on the phone and ask them if it can stay confidential, who the best dr to see is etc...

Can I ask, why do you think your parents will be so mad if they find out you are getting help online and thinking about going to the doctors?

I'm glad to hear your friends are being supportive.  It is good to have some friends to talk with, don't feel bad about sharing with your mates - I am sure you aren't bothering them.  If they listen to you it means they care. 🙂

I hope you are able to access the information from the BB site and that you'll find it helpful.

[AmyMay2]

Well, they wouldn't be mad if they found me trying to get help, but it's the 'online account' thing that' get all up in arms over. I don't think they trust the internet, and it's not the first time I've made an online account without their permission. Still, they would probably go easy on me considering the subject matter.

I'm not sure if I have a medicare card, but I don't think it would matter. I can't leave the house without my parents knowing exactly where I am, what I'll be doing and when I'm getting back.. That's why seeing a doctor is pretty much out of the question unless I tell them. And if the doctor say that it's not depression (which would be good) then I might get in trouble for the time/money wasted for the appointment.

Still, I think being here and talking it out is really helping. I've had a lot more high spots recently and I look foward to coming here every afternoon. I think it's feeling like part of community. I never really get that, even at school (we move around a lot, so there's no real point becaoming attatched to any of the schools). I pretty much have my friends (which I'll lose when we move next) and my music (which I'm losing enjoyment of since the actual music class at school annoys my to the point where I can't listen to it for a while) and that's it.

[cancerianmoon]

Hi AmyMay and welcome!

Congrats on joining, the first step has been taken. I wish I had some advice for you re making an appointment with a GP without your parents knowledge, as I believe this is your priority.   I have to ask why are you so reluctant to talk to them?   Do you worry they will not support you or will they see any diagnosis (of depression) more as a sign of weakness? 

It's good you can talk to a few friends;  I hear what you say about not burdening them with your own issues.  Some people worry that we are seeking advice when we confide in them; maybe you can explain to your friends that they don't have to offer advice but you need them to listen; just talking to someone can really help!

Your studies are important to you, that I can tell!  I think it would be wise to discuss deadlines etc with the relevant person at your school (I've been out of the education system for decades so am not sure what their title would be...).  Perhaps an extension of time would be offered...this would help alleviate some of your stress.

That's about it really.  I hope the advice helps and look forward to hearing from you again.

Take care and warm wishes, Cancerianmoon x

[AmyMay2]

I'm not really sure what my parents would do. I guess they'd be as supportive as they need to be, but if I tell them then they'll be looking for my bad moods, and that just puts extra pressure on me to hide it. After all, I've been raised to always look happy.

The assignment's going ok now. It's too late to ask for an extesion though, since it's due next week.

Mum and I had another fight just before. I was at the music studio where I learn guitar, and I just wasn't getting the songs. I was already in a bad mood anyway, so I just gave up and decided to not play until the next song. Unfortunatly, Mum saw and we had a long talk about how my 'attitude' affected people's opinion of me. Of course, every time she said something about people's opinion of me I could tell she meant people's opinion of her parenting. She actually started saying that near the end. It happens every time I look sad around her, and it's really not helping.

Thanks for the reply!

[geoff]

dear AmyMay, I really wish that I could talk to you in a proper way, but unfortunately there are restrictions because of your age, so it wouldn't pass the filter, as it's protecting you and that's fair enough.

So, is it possible for you to use a computer in the library, and now that your 16 or 17, and excuse me if I am wrong, but maybe your girlfriend goes to a doctor, so that you can start to begin your own relationship with her, and what I mean by relationship is that you will need a doctor for the many years ahead and needs to be established sooner rather later.

Your a growing girl so maybe your mum is either worried that she is losing touch with you or doesn't understand that you are beginning to need some space. Geoff. x

[AmyMay2]

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by the middle paragraph (a girlfriend? What? Library computer? I think I'm missing something here...) but I will try my best to find a way to see adoctor  soon, especially if it starts to get worse.