I broke down and cried in class today

[AmyMay2]

Hey, I'm kinda new around here, so I thought I'd introduce myself. I'm Amy (well, that's the name I use online), I'm in year 11, and I think the stress is kinda getting to me. For a while (maybe a month or more, I've lost track) I've been feeling kinda hollow. I'm not sure if it's depression yet, and I don't want to talk to my parents about it until I'm sure, so I thought I'd seek more anonymous help first as a way to stop it from getting any worse.

Normally I wouldn't bother people about my moods, but for the past month or more I've felt empty inside all the time, and it takes a lot to cheer me up. Even if something does get a laugh out of me, the happiness only lasts for a few seconds before it's gone. If I'm reading comedy websites and relaxing then it could last for a couple of hours, but with assignments that's just not possible. And, the real reason I reached out is that it's affecting my relationships. All of my friends have noticed something is wrong, and I hardly join in on con stations anymore because I don't want to ruin their moods. Besides that, I'm also very irritable (although that could come from my insomnia) and I've been snapping at my friends.

I actually broke down and cried in class today (and if my parents ever found out that I'd get a severe young lashing for it) because I had to completely scrap an assignment and start over. It's due on either Friday or Monday, but because of my moods I'm not sure if I'll get it done in time, and I may fail Drama.

And lastly, it's affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. Lastly I've been swinging between irritated at him for 'smothering me' and always staring like he wants to jump in and do everything for me (although I think the irritation is really directed at myself for making him worried) or I've been really needy and almost manipulative (since he's always offering to buy me stuff, mostly food since that's what I like, and I feel like not refusing is sometimes using him).

So... Uh... Yeah. That's me I guess. It actually makes me feel feel a little better to finally tell someone. Then again, I'm in an ok mood at the moment. If I wasn't I don't think I'd have the nerve to put all of this personal stuff in my first post.

[geoff]

dear AmyMay, sorry, in your town or city do you have a public library where you can have access to this Beyond Blue site, that's if your mum says that's a waste of time, and doesn't want to have any access to this site.

Is there any girlfriend that you talk to, so that she maybe seeing a doctor by herself, without her parents knowing, then I was thinking that you too could also see her, and if need be you can get 10 free visits which will be organised by this doctor for any counselling.

Please let me know if this is OK. Geoff. x

[AmyMay2]

Thanks! That makes a lot more sense.

There probably is a public library around somewhere, but it wouldn't really matter. They don't actually know I've made an account.

No, I don't really hang out with girls. I have all boy friends, and as far as I know none of them see a doctor reguarly for something like this.

[scorch]

I'm glad you've found this site helpful.  Sometimes just knowing that other people understand is enough to help you keep going 🙂 

I'm sorry to hear that your mum is so hard on you.  My dad was the same, always worried about what people thought of him... so us kids had to be perfect, and it we did something that wasn't up to his standards we got into trouble.  To this day if someone says 'smile' to me I want to hit them in the face and burst into tears.

It's ok not to always show a 'happy' face.  Never feel bad about feeling bad.

I can understand why you are reluctant to tell them.  Still, I hope you can tell an adult you trust who might be able to support you.  I've just had a thought, do you know of any youth groups in your area?  Several churches run youth groups each week, there are also groups like cadets, SES juniors or junior fire brigade.  Maybe you could try to join a youth group and get some support through them.  I know I used to go to a youth group and one of my leaders saved my life.  She helped me get counselling and find the courage to tell my parents that I needed help.

Just throwing ideas around.