Hi,
I dont normally write posts, but I am at a point where I feel like I need to talk to someone.
I am in my twenties, but in my early teens I was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety. It was an awful time, with plenty of work with a psychologist who didnt do much for me, so I felt like I overcame the ocd on my own over a couple of years. I have always been a perfectionist, highly critical, and extremely stressed. I dont actually remember the last time I felt truly relaxed. That cant be good or normal. I dont have compulsions much anymore, however, anxiety and stress is still a problem for me, and I try to keep it hidden, but its hard. That period in my life is never talked about with my family, its never mentioned.
For the past year/ year and half I have felt a deep change in me. I am always sluggish, everything seems like a chore, I get anxious in public situations and feel as though I am always being watched or criticised. I am down, and upset, and cry a lot, which I try to hide. I am moody with my family and I feel bad for that, but I cant help it. I feel like I have a rock in my head, and I am trying to fight against my brain and turn all the bad thoughts off.
I have been studying since I completed high school and I have struggled with what I want to do as a career, even though I have worked so hard for top marks. After one industry not turning out to be what I thought it would be, after that disappointment, I got into a one year education course. I thought my love for the subject would make me a good teacher, with good hours and leave. But throughout the course last year I started having doubts, and I was too scared to tell my parents. I still am. I feel bad because I need to work and earn money, and I just got a job at a school for the rest of the year. But I am so down and anxious about every thought of this job and life in general. I dont know why. The thought of being a teacher now scares me; there are too many people to deal with, too many things to juggle, and too many people to be accountable to. I dont know what to do. Im so lost, I even feel numb. The thought of telling this to my family makes me even more upset as I dont think they will understand.
I think I should see someone, but my previous experiences with psychologists has turned me off. I feel like I need help, time to stop and think about what I actually want in life, and time to try and be happy again. I tried to tell my mum the other day how I was feeling, I told her that I am always down, and she said I cant help you, go speak to someone. Almost like she didnt want to hear. I dont want to disappoint anyone, but I just dont think they understand.
I dont know if I am depressed, or just anxious, with a combination of stress. Any help or words of guidance would be appreciated greatly. I just needed to tell someone. So thanks for hearing me.
