Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

[PersianGirl]

Hey guys so its my first time on this site and I'm hoping to God someone can help me. So my dad remarried about 8 years ago to a lady he met overseas. In the beginning she was very nice, I never even noticed her around. But in the past year or so, I am starting to Hate her. Hate. She gives me anxiety because she is a two faced conniving person. She acts like so sweet infront of guests and calls me sweetheart and her daughter but when we're alone she is a rude hateful person. If she knows I am home one day, she makes SO much noise slamming doors banging pots and pans around talking at the top of her lungs to her family overseas. She is very inconsiderate. When i try talking to her she won't respond or responds very cold and with an attitude. she is soooo fake!!!! my dad and I don't talk at all, just a hi and bye and when he's around she is exactly the same. It's as if she is scared to talk to me? Neither of them communicate with me. I am a prisoner in this house. I am trying  so hard to study my final year at uni and I feel so alone. I can't do my work. They don't ask how I am, and she is always ignoring me when my dad is around. My brother told me when I'm not home she goes in my room because he hears my wardrobe doors sliding open and shut. When I'm at home alone with her, I don't step out of my room. I starve myself so I don't have to go out into the living room and see her face there. I hate her for making me feel like a stranger. I hate her for taking my place in the house. I hate her for being a sneaky two faced human. My dad is no better. They lock their bedroom door when they go out, when I'm at home. They hide food from us? They get angry if we try to eat when they're not eating. My Dad won't give me a key to the house. I have nowhere else to go and I'm slowly dying inside. I don't know what to do anymore, I can't handle being treated this way. And that's not even a quarter of it but I don't want to bore anyone. If anyone out there can give me any sort of advice on what to do in regards to them I would be ever so thankful and grateful. Thankyou for taking the time out to read this and sorry for rambling on. Xo

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Have you tried looking at this from their point of view?

Lots of people speak loudly on the phone, such as: people who are losing their hearing, people with misguided ideas about how telephones transmit sound, and people who are Italian.  My family is Italian and I actually take earplugs with me to family gatherings, and can still hear their conversations with other people, from the other side of the room, as if they were yelling in my ears.

I wonder how real this pots and pans problem is.  You know how when you don't like someone, everything they do annoys you?  But if your best friend did the very same thing, you'd either not notice, or laugh and say "Oh, that's classic Charlie!".  Is she actually doing anything with these pots and pans?

It's really your choice to stay in your room and not eat.  You can't blame her for that.  It's your own fault if you can't bear to look at her face.  She didn't choose her face.  Maybe her father had a thing for ugly girls, and so his offspring got stuck with ugly-face genes?  Lots of people in the world will annoy you.  If you're going to let that stop you from doing the things you want to do, you're going to have a rough time in life.

Parents always hide food from their kids, otherwise the kids will eat it all.  I think that's just standard practice.  They're allowed to spend their own money on treats for themselves.

It sounds like your dad doesn't trust you with a key to the house.  Maybe he thinks you'll bring friends over, trash the place, or who-knows-what.  Maybe he'll trust you more if you make some extravagantly responsible gestures, to show how trustworthy you are.  Like "Oh let me help you with those dishes, mother dear!", "Look how amazingly clean I kept my room, father!", "While I was babysitting the Milton children, I taught them to read German.  Ich bin ein guter Kartoffel, nein?", etc. etc.

You said that you don't like it when your step-mother goes in your room, but you don't like it when they keep you out of their room?  Maybe they don't trust you and your brother not to steal their hidden food, or money.  Or maybe they have weird sex toys in their room that they don't want you to stumble across.

Also, maybe they don't want you to spoil your appetite because when dinner comes, you'll waste the meal they've put effort into.  Or that it will upset the household food budget.  I find it annoying enough trying to work out what to buy in order to cheaply, efficiently, healthily, and tastily feed just myself, so imagine having to do it for others as well.

Do you have a job?  If so, maybe you can buy whatever food you want and eat that.

[Damien]

Hello PersianGirl,

That's a rather nasty situation you're describing there and you have every reason to feel upset by it.  If you are feeling stress, anxiety and depression, and it reads as though you are, then some of what you describe is normal response to a bad situation.  The "advice" then is to change the situation, but of course that is much easier said than done.

Do you have counsellors you can talk to?  Perhaps your Uni might have that sort of thing as part of their medical facility, I know mine did (20 years ago).  You can also call Kids Helpline until you are age 24, so if you are in final year Uni this might still apply to you, and even if not there are other lines you can call for professional advice or just to hear a friendly voice for the times when you are especially low.

I hope you and your brother are able to be string with each other too.

Do you have friends?  Can you spend time with them, talk to them?  Could you spend less time at home and spend study time in the Library at Uni?  The less time you spend in "the place" may help you if you can find solace or relief/release in being in a different spot, even if you still have to sleep at home.

Thank you for sharing your story; you certainly did not ramble, that is what this site is for.  I'm afraid there's not much advice I can give, other than to find real-world people you can actually talk to where you are, and to do what you can to change your situation: things I am sure you are already trying.  But know that you are not alone, you have been noticed, and there is a gang of online people cheering you on.

Bless.

[PersianGirl]

Hi Rodentron. Thanks for replying to me. However I don't think I made myself quite clear. It's almost as if you're implying this is all in my head, and it makes me also sound like a spoilt little brat. The thing is is that I am 22, and I have never given my father a reason to not trust me. I always always help with my share around the house, if not more than I should be. I am constantly washing dishes, cleaning my room and keeping everything tidy including my brothers room. You see, my dad hates my mum. The divorce was nasty and I happen to look a LOT like her. My Dad cannot stand to look at me in the face. Whenever I enter a room, he leaves it. The ONLY thing I can think of is because I remind him of my mother. I feel like I am being punished for The way Gods created me. I have never smoked, touched drugs or drank a sip of alcohol in my life. I have always tried to be family orientated and I have always cut off poisonous friends as soon as I have realised. There is no reason for my father to treat me this way and the fact that he doesn't give me a key to the house that is supposedly "mine" is not right and I think is psychotic. His wife gets a key after 8 years of marriage but I don't after 22 years and not just that but being his BLOOD. And no I'm not blowing the pots and pans thing out of proportion, my family is from Iran and we also speak loud and I know the difference. It is on purpose. And I never said that I think she is ugly or I hate her face. I said I don't leave my room so I don't have to see her face because it reminds me of how nasty and sneaky she is. Anyway I came on this site to get some sort of good advice because I felt so alone. But instead I was completely misunderstood. Thanks anyway il just seek some sort of other help I guess. 

[PersianGirl]

Hello Damien. Thankyou very much for an understanding reply. You certainly did help me to figure out what my options are in this difficult situation. I do have help at uni but its just that first step I guess in going forward. I have been so busy studying that I haven't had time to pursue this counselling help that I need...I really do think it is time for me to speak to someone professional because I don't think their treatment is right. After all, my dad who should always be there for me has completely disregarded me and replaced me with this lady, who secretly doesn't like me. But puts on a fake act so as to impress my father. I do have friends that I can talk to, but end of the day it's so hard a lot of them don't understand, or they say dont worry u will get over it and things that don't really help. I can't blame them for that because u don't know what someone is going thru until u experience it urself. Anyhow I want to thankyou again for replying to me and giving me some options to work with. I guess I just really needed to vent. I definitely will be seeking professional help so as to work out how to deal with a family who doesn't love me. Thankyou Damien

all the best to u 🙂

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

I know what you meant about her face.  I was, regrettably, joking.  Ugliness is a serious condition and I should not have jested about the possibility of your stepmum having it.

I wasn't necessarily painting you as the untrustworthy one - it could be that your father just doesn't trust easily.

Have you brought up your theory about why he is so distant with you, with him?  How are your brother's relationships with your father and stepmother?

It seems very strange that your stepmother would yell into the phone, probably annoying the person she's talking to, just to annoy you.  If that's the level of maturity you're dealing with, then yes it's probably best for you to just stay away from the house and make plans to move out.

[geoff]

dear Persiangirl, well I don't believe that Rodentron's initial comment would be of any help what's so ever, and comments like hers would turn me away and never return to this site.

Comments like ' wonder how real this pots and pans problem is' and 'you're going to let that stop you from doing the things you want to do, you're going to have a rough time in life', and ' so his offspring got stuck with ugly-face genes', whow there are other ways of communicating to people rather than being so blunt and critical.

Persiangirl it certainly sounds to be a tough existence and you are asking for help, support and advice, and I will reply again tomorrow. Geoff. x

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Persian Girl,

Maybe worth considering that even if you dad didn't punish your for your face, etc, he could no doubt find many other punishable reasons that were genetically linked.  Your speech, your movement, your taste in music, etc.  It's all connected.

Adios, David.

PS  Fake stepmothers ?  Who needs them ?  Family dynamics and all that.

[PersianGirl]

Hello Rodentron, Geoff and David, thankyou for your responses. I figured I would reply to you all in one posting, sorry exam time is killing me so i am short on time. Yes I completely agree it is something very peculiar to me. But a few of my other relatives agree its is the same thing, that I look too similiar to my mother and that's why he cant stand me. Its honestly a sad situation to be in, not feeling sorry for myself, but its a situation where I have no control over. I cant communicate with my Dad, everytime i try to talk to him he leaves the room. When he wants to ask me soemthing, he will come to my bedroom door and ask me from behind the door, he wont even open it to look at me and speak directly to me. Other times he will just send his wife to tell me what their plans are. Most of the time he wont even respond to my hello or goodbye. He enables his wife's behaviour towards me, If he had from the beginning told her where I stand as his child, how I come first, then we wouldnt have any problems. But he treats me like crap, by not considering me as a human, and she sees that and obviously thinks well he doesnt give a crap about her, why should i? He brought her an icrecream the other night, fro the back room which has our extra fridge in there, and i was standing right there but he didnt want me to see that he was giving her an icecream. As he was walking down the hallway, he was hiding the icecream bar and then as he approached the couch where she was sitting he threw the icecream on the couch behind the couch cushion so as to continue to hide it from me? It is not all in my head,the eyes don't lie. End of the day, I guess there is nothing I can do unless i get as far far away from both of them as possible, I guess  just really needed to vent. Thank you to you all for your responses and taking the time to write to me.

x  

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Hi Persian Girl,

Thanks for replying to BB responders Geoff, Damien, Rodentrdron and myself.

Sounds like things are getting a bit childish.  But just because there's no acknowledgement of YOU doesn't mean you don't have value.    I have one teenager left at home and 2 kids moved out.   Today I asked her if she knew what her friend was studying at uni and when there was no reply simply added "don't you know ?".  Rather than say "Nursing" I think I got the blasted "Don't you think I know what MY best friend is studying, STUPID !!!".

Maybe your Dad is pretending to be a teenager at the moment ?    The more he treats you like crap the less valued you will feel and maybe the less bothered with him and your step mom.  Like he is neutralising your feelings by being damaged.  He's got some sort of filter on his communication.  I think it's called stupidity.

Adios, David.

PS  Is there any spare ice cream ?