can't handle being yelled at

[Lisa_C]

Why do I get strong thoughts of suicide/self harm when my partner yells at me, he doesn't even have to be "yelling" just when he gets frustrated at me and raises his voice. I know that he shouldn't speak to me like that but why can't I handle it? Sensitive obviously but to have those thoughts is just so dramatic.

Why do I get strong thoughts of suicide/self harm when my partner yells at me, he doesn't even have to be "yelling" just when he gets frustrated at me and raises his voice. I know that he shouldn't speak to me like that but why can't I handle it? Sensitive obviously but to have those thoughts is just so dramatic.

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[Shellz__22]

Annoyingly you can't change how you feel and you can't change how your body reacts. 

You have obviously identified what sets off these feeling which is an awesome step, the next step sounds so cliche that I don't really want to write it but.... talking. Everybody hates it but a manifestation of feelings like these can become dangerous. Because your thoughts are of self harm/ something more professional is the way to go. Go in and see your GP they don't do much but make sure that at this moment you won't do permanent harm to yourself but the best thing they do is write a referral. This usually allows you to go see anyone you feel comfortable with and if you don't like one change until you find someone you are comfortable with. 

Honestly, it's gonna suck for a while but even moving to that next step of seeking help can make you feel better. And most of the time the people that you talk to actually care about you, its why they chose their profession. 

I don't know how old you are, and it doesn't matter, but a good support base is also important. Maybe at the moment this doesn't include your boyfriend in a large capacity but having others around you who care and will go that extra mile to smile at you cos they know your'e having a bad time of it lately helps as well. 

[Lisa_C]

Hi shellz,

Sorry for the very late reply, I only just saw your post. But just want to say thanks and I appreciate that you took the time to reply.

[white knight]

Hi LisaC

Shellz had some very good advice there.

I am extremely sensitive.  I'm 58yo and as long as I can recall I've been this way. I could blame my mother as I do for everything else, but it is part of my makeup. My mother was a "yeller" and out of the blue for seemingly small reasons she would yell and I'd jump.

I am of the view, guess, that it is something to do with mental illness though. I react the same if my wife raises her voice. Then I go into a shell and it takes hours even days to snap out of it. Talking as Shellz said is the way to go. If your partner can take on board a routine of talking in a calm voice if you have reacted to his raised voice then yo are on a winner.

It is the number one reason I have withdrawn from society a little. So no one can have a go at me. 

Dont feel bad. It is your natural reaction possibly from childhood.

[Lisa_C]

Thanks white knight, 

I have split up with my partner so won't have to deal with it anyway, even though I still see him because he is the father of our son.

I have withdrawn form society for a number of reason and I'm losing it. Don't even know where to start to get back on track and I don't even know if I want to.

Why does life have to be such an effort?  😞

[white knight]

Hi LisaC

Try to think in persepective, to bet the right balance re: withdrawing from society. Living on the fringe is preferable than not being there at all.

Some ideas for you.  If you go shopping and bump into a distant friend. Keep your conversation down to a couple of minutes or one minute. Getting into long conversations gives risk to hurt and guilt. "Why did I say that, why did I tell her that" etc.

Pick your good friends carefully, who you can trust. My wife always told me she only has one good best friend and doesnt need any more, and she is interstate and we see her twice a year. I tend to agree with her now.

Keep clear from groups and clubs. This is not negative stuff- its survival strategy.  Clubs have cliques, are often poorly managed in terms of protecting those with mental illness and with social media nowadays the Facebook gossiping can be even more rampant and destructive. That's my view.

I have two daughters to the same mother. They are now 25 and 21yo. But I endured 14 years of trauma with their mother after out marriage split (my youngest was 4) as hard as I tried to be friends for the kids sake the cold as ice feeling when I picked up/dropped off my kids was terrible. Communication was rotten when married so it was worse when separated. Being friendly with the father of your child will pay dividends. And your child will be all the better for it. Just sayin'.

Good luck Lisa. Life does indeed suck but it is also what you make it.Have short, medium and long term plans.

[AGrace]

Hi Lisa,

I don't believe I've chatted with you before, so welcome. 

I can tell that you feel like you're in a really dark place right now. I know it sounds too eas but take a few deep breaths. Has life always felt difficult? Or can you recall some positive moments in your life? I'm guessing the birth of your son may have been one of them? I find it helpful to just remember one positive moment in life, it reminds me that life isn't always so gloomy. 

I hear that you've now separated from your partner, has this helped ease the self destructive thoughts?  I know what its like to be there, I've been there many times before. These thoughts really do require some professional care. Are you seeing anyone to help you with this battle? Is there anyone close to you that you've been able to talk with? There are ways of managing these symptoms, so I hope you will consider seeking some support. 

You stated that you've withdrawn from society for a number of reasons, would you be willing to share these with us? For me it was a lack of self worth, the feeling that everyone hated me, that everyone was judging me, and that no one understood what I was going through. You can imagine there were a number of steps I had to take to resolve these thoughts, the first one was reaching out for help. Looking back I wish I'd done it sooner. I spent too many days and nights in isolation and missed so many opportunities. 

I know you're questioning whether you want to help yourself get back on track. What would you say to a best friend who felt the same way? I'd tell her that she deserves ever chance at help, I'd tell her there's plenty of people who care and want to see her feel better, I'd tell her that her son needs her and loves her unconditionally. So that's exactly what I'll say to you. You took the first step by coming here, I have faith that you can take the next step and speak with your GP.

There's plenty of help available, you just need to ask. I hope to hear more from you. We are always here to listen. 

AGrace

[Lisa_C]

Hi AGrace,

Thanks for your kind post. 

First of all I never know where to start when it comes to talking about my feelings as it feels like there is so much to say that it becomes quite overwhelming. 

Yes- life has always felt difficult for me, from when I was a young child. But I can recall a few times in my life where I have felt I was in control and had some confidence there.

The actual birth of my son was not a positive experience but the outcome of it was. I am gald I have him with me right now, I don't know what I would have done without him. He makes life so much more meaningful. 

Separating from my partner was a positive step to make but it hasn't solved any of the problems I have within myself. The destructive thoughts have been worse lately.

I have never felt this worthless in life before. I can't stop thinking how stupid and hopeless I am. Looking back and seeing that I haven't really achieved anything- left school very early, didn't complete any courses that I attempted,  had no hobbies or interests, couldn't make friends and I still have no friends, hobbies or interests. I don't even want friends, I tell myself I don't want any because I'm not good enough plus its too much of an effort because I struggle to just leave the house for a short walk.

I gave up a long time ago and now I am realizing that no one can help me unless I help myself but I'm struggling to pick myself up and start again. I don't want to but I have too.

I am currently seeking professional help but nothing will work until I help myself. 

Hope to hear from you again. 

Lisa