Outcast needing an ear

[Provisional]

Hello, I've been outcast from my family after doing what I thought was the right thing; my parents split up after years of emotional abuse from my father and him cheating, I tried to stay on the fence but I knew my father was a bad man and eventually the facts taught me to hate him (illegal activities, cheating, emotional bullying).

I moved away from everything I knew to help my deeply depressed mother (she has had alot of loss in her life, cutoff from her family, and been an slave for so long) because I knew if I werent there she wouldnt be around for much longer.

We moved three hours away, and she seemed to be more independent, but once her bestfriend died in a car accident, she needed support for that and my father was all she'd known and found his way back into her life.

She lied to me about her contact with him and one night after work she messaged me to let me know he was at our house staying over, I reacted badly and it became a shouting battle between my mum and i, then he entered my room and became physical so I grabbed some things and left, she had chosen him. Police were involved but they never gave me the avo like they said they would. 

Many times through the years she would come and go, promising she would never go back.

But after years of trying and failing to get her back on her feet, she has ran back to my father.

Apparently they're not dating but I know this is just a lie she tells herself to not feel so pathetic, she is still a slave, she takes him to the doctors, visits old "friends" with him,  and i'm sure she would do his housework and errands although she refuses to tell me her weaknesses. 

She constantly lies to me about her going ons. She attempts to contact me occasionally, but I've honestly just given up. I would love to have a heathly relationship with her but I know all I say or do gets delivered back to him. 

It all makes me so mad thinking about it, and sad that she chooses him over me. I thought that parents are meant to love their children unconditionally, and I feel pathetic that I'm so easily forgotten.

[KTOCD]

Hi,

so glad you have joined us on here. Sorry to hear that u r struggling.

one thing I do know (and it's probably not what u want to hear) is that no matter what u do to try to help her, she has to want to do it herself. It has to come from her. I'm thinking that she probably does love and care for u but she is soooo messed up that she can't show it.

keep talking on here. We r here to listen. 

KT

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Provisional. Sorry to hear you are struggling, this is a tough situation and a bit out of control, as KT says your mum needs to fix her situation. I guess you have to ask yourself how much energy you are going to lose to this situation, you can't control your mum, she is a woman with her own free will and in the end she will make her own choices. It would be great if you can stay in touch with your mum and I understand how tough that would be.

I try to think of my parents as people, with their own problems, I don't have to be like them but I they to have compassion for their challenges. In the end I can't change them and I don't think it's up to me to try...too hard.

I hope you can keep this part of your life in it's place and out of the other positive parts of your life. Keep focused on the good bits. Talk any time, love to you.

Jack x

[Hamlet_24]

Hey mate, I'm glad you found a place to vent. I've been there, my mum was in an abusive relationship for years and it's hell watching people you love self destruct. She clearly has incredibly low self esteem and abusive people capitalise on that, alienating the people that care about them until they're convinced they have nothing left as you know far too well. The only advice I can give you is to give yourself time and space to work through your anger and betrayal. When you feel comfortable talk to your mu.m and strongly advise her to pursue therapy or attend a support group maybe that's something you can do together but at the end of the day it's not your responsibility to parent her she needs to fight for her own agency and your dad needs to take responsibility for his issues. Whether that happens is all theoretical but it's paramoun.t tthat you're safe, abuse is a long vicious cycle aand it's a long road but you need to have faith in your resilience and your intelligence. Just from reading your message I can see that you can make it through this. You don't need to do this alone. 

[geoff]

dear Provisional, as the rest have said I am truly sorry for you to be in this situation.

You are trying to help your mum as well as trying to overcome the abuse that your father has done to you and possibly to your mum, so your intent was to help her, however it's quite common for the abused wife to return to their abuser, but we can never work out why they would ever want this to happen, maybe because he has profusely apologised, offering her flowers, chocolates or what ever your mum graves for, because for some reason guilt , shame or anxiety suddenly makes her then want to return to him.

This initial time will be OK, but again after awhile the same abuse happens again, and then she will want to leave him, but she has to decide that she really wants to leave him for good, and realise that any of his good faith is only full of lies.

What ever you tell your mum who then relays it back to him, is disappointing for you, because all you want to help her, but this won't happen until she wants to leave him for good.

As hard as it is for you you can't help her, but what you need to do is see a psychologist to try and find so peace for yourself.

Please keep in contact with us. Geoff. x