Not Bouncing back

[flower_girl1]

Hi Everyone,

This is my very first post and to be honest I am kind of terrified of making it. I jumped on this site for the first time 2 weeks ago after a few awe full days, and the first replay message I read on someones thread made me cry. All it took were the words 'I care' and I was in tears.

I have never been an overly happy person. I think I picture my self as one person but in reality I'm completed different, and I've never been completed happy with who I am.

 I called myself flower because that's how feel. Like I am that fragile. Every word, every action that someone says or does to me that isn't kind feels like a knife on my skin. No one ever seems to notice just how deep those hurts actually go, or how they don't heal afterwards.

I have had plenty of down days in my life, when to many people said to many not nice things and I ended up paralyzed in my bed dreaming of being somewhere or someone else.

 A couple of weeks ago I had a bad day at work, a bad conversation with my boss and a bad result from a teacher at college and I found myself thinking the words 'I'm done' I was just so tired of people, and how cruel they can be. It was the first time I ever thought about actually calling life line, it felt like someone had tied a boulder to my chest and everywhere I went I was dragging it around.

I have felt this monstrous weight before, but I have always been able to go for a run, go shopping have a good sleep and its always lifted. I don't know why but this time its not really lifting on its own.

I don't know if this is depression or just unhappiness. The idea of talking about it is terrifying, but I hate this feeling, and I am scared off what happens if I can't shake it.

I have plenty of family and friends who love me, though I don't know that they really understand me. But both groups have lost someone to depression and if I even spoke a word of this to them I would scare them beyond belief. I've seen what loosing someone to depression looks like, and I would absolutely hate to hurt people like that.That's why I wanted to talk to someone on here about how I am feeling.

I don't want to be told there is something wrong with the way my brain works, but I don't want to be told that I am fine and this is normal either.

I would love any support this page can offer me to get this weight off my chest.

Flower_girl

[flower_girl1]

Hi All,

So, I am due to go back to my GP in about a week. Last time I saw her she said we would talk about a mental health plan. This is making feel very nervous. I know something is wrong because I can feel the  effect of the Anti Depressants I am taking they certainly do help as I am starting feel human again.

I am normal very very private when it comes to how I feel and the thoughts that float through my head. So as you can imagine I am very apprehensive about this. Talking to my GP was uncomfortable enough. What exactly does a mental health plan include? Questions about me? My feelings or my history stuff like that?Does everyone who has trouble with anxiety need to see psychologist about it? Or can medication be enough?

flower_girl

[Neil_1]

Hi Flower Girl

I'm pleased that you've got things happening for yourself with regard to professional support.  It's natural to be nervous with these kinds of things - but if you can think:  "What you're doing is all good things for yourself.  You're wanting to get help for yourself, so you can deal with things better in life.  So anyone you're going to see is going to be there to try to advise you and give you help so you can feel better".   I hope that helped a little.

With regard to a Mental Health Plan - it's done by your GP - and it's 10 questions.  With which you just need to put a circle around a particular answer for how you feel in regard to that question.   For example one question from memory is:  Over the past little while, how often have you felt nervous or anxious?  Then the options are:  Never, sometimes, often, all the time - that's not quite the full amount of options, but you hopefully can get the gist for it.

Perhaps even Google, "K10 Test" - as I'm pretty sure that's what it's called.

So it all relates to how you've been feeling (on the inside) over the past little while;  then the score is added up (out of 50, I think it is);  and yeah, the GP will take it from there.

Taking meds is ONE type of assistance that can really assist with mental health issues - but in addition it's encouraged very much so, that 'other kinds' of assistance are done in conjunction with the taking of meds.  So counselling, coming on here, exercising, eating and drinking healthy, adequate amounts of sleep, etc.  I could go on - but the more of these things that are done together, the better chance you have for dealing with your illness.

I hope I've helped out a bit here - and please please, now that I've found this thread of yours, come back and write more - and ask ANY question you want.  Remember, no question is ever too silly.  🙂

Neil

[flower_girl1]

Hi Neil,

thanks for your response, I went to me GP but we didn't do a mental health plan, we are just sticking with meds for now. They have helped the physical symptoms  of anxiety to lessen but it's like they have left me completely empty. And I am not sure I'm not sure I prefer this feeling over being anxious.

my college is now over though I still have an assignment I have to hand in next year. I am preparing for a short holiday and I will have time to myself which is what I wanted, but I don't feel happy. All that's over but I just want to cry over it all.

i went to wedding over a long weekend and it was great but for some reason it wasn't great for me. I slept so much even right through the day. I kept avoiding everyone and all the activities, I barely smiled. At one point my dad asked me if I was ok? He hugged me and said "what could possibly wrong with a dad like me?" I have a good family and kind friends and a good life how the hell can I tell them that I am miserable? That I find getting out of bed a struggle? That 30 seconds of conversation is more socialising than I can handle? That I am not enjoying anything anymore?

i feel dead inside Neil. I feel like I have lived 500 years already and I just want my brain to stop thinking. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to fight anymore.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Neil_1]

Dear Flower Girl;

Thank you so much for coming back with this latest response;  but I am very worried, with regard to your last paragraph.  If you’re feeling that low, please please know that there are places where you can phone up and get immediate support.  Beyond Blue have hotline number to call;  it’s at the top of each page and it is:  1300 22 4636;  and also Lifeline’s number is:  13 1114.

I know this is something that you possibly don’t want to hear right now, but we’ve got to keep trying (every day) and we’ve got to keep fighting (every day);  it’s tough and it’s bloody hard but believe me when I say that things won’t continue being this awful and horrible for you. 

Things will in turn change for you – you’ve got so much ahead of you and at this current point in time I realise you can’t see that, but believe me, it’s true.

Your dad sounds a little like me – in that, that’s something quirky I’d say and by no means is that a put down at all either (it’s not like someone say, “Oh cheer up” or “What have you got to be sad or down about”.  I think he was just trying to get a smile out of you.

Flower Girl, have we talked about what things interest you?   Hobbies, movies, music (hey, who’s some of your fave bands/singers?), TV shows (my daughter (14yo) has got me addicted to Supernatural now – I love it;  anything what I’ve just mentioned ring any bells of enjoyment for you?   Maybe they used to, but at this time, they don’t do that.  If so, I’d like to know that, if you’re ok to say so.

So you’ve been to the GP (great), but I’m guessing that your family didn’t know about this or that you are on medication?  Just out of interest, are you taking the meds in the morning or night-time;   cause if you’re taking them in the morning, that could be a reason for why you’re feeling completely empty during the day;  just a thought.

I’ll send this off now, and I really hope to hear from you soon.   I’ll write more again when I next hear from you.

Please take care FG

Neil

[flower_girl1]

Hi Neil,

My interests are what's upsetting, I don't seem to be able to engage in any of them and simple tasks seem so hard. I like Zumba, it used to always cheer me up but now it's not doing anything for me. I am a scifi/fantasy/young adult fan, I love all the shows true blood, game of thrones pretty little liars, not that I have watched any lately. I read a lot, from vampire academy to twilight, I bought "this shattered world" a couple of weeks ago and I carry it around wanting desperately to read it but I can't get my mind to want to put in the effort. I draw, but again not lately, my study was interior design and I have so many magazines and books to go through but I just can't. 

I am taking ads in the morning. I tried taking them at night but I found I was feeling anxious during the evening and that's when I need them the most.  Mentioned not being interested in anything to my GP but I think the comment missed her notice.

lately I have been taking every oppurtuntiy to sleep, I might get a chore done but then I go back to sleep. I just keep thinking if I can have a good rest I will be okay, but I never feel energetic again.

flower_girl

[Neil_1]

Dear FG

I’ve re-read your thread and your GP mentioned over a month ago, that they would give you a mental health plan “in a month’s time”.  But your latest appointment there didn’t result in that.  I honestly think it’s time that this was done – because from that, you can be referred on to some appropriate counselling that can really support you at this time.

I’m sorry to read that “all” of your interests are not giving you that sense of feeling that interests and hobbies should give.  This to me sounds that you really are in need of some alternate professional assistance with this.

By the way, you’ve got some really good interests that you’ve listed – that was really great to read.

Also with you feeling so incredibly low and lack of energy, I just thought I’d raise the subject of food and water again with you.  I know when we feel flat, that it also does impact on our appetite and thirst;  but FG, these are so incredibly important – making sure to take in good food (and not rubbishy stuff – sorry don’t mean to sound like your parents here) and also water – especially as we’re moving into some warmer weather – keeping ourselves hydrated is so important;  probably even more so when we’re feeling so down.  Even slight episodes of dehydration will impact on our mental health.

But I do think another GP appointment for a mental health assessment should be aimed for.

Neil

[flower_girl1]

HI Niel,

Thanks for writing to me, sorry I didn't respond earlier, I have been on a short holiday.

I will bring up the mental health plan when I see my GP next. Last time I saw her she tested my thyroid levels and found them to be border line low, so we will be testing that again (blurgh....... I hate needles!). The holiday was good but I gound myself stressing over getting everything done instead of relaxing, and if I wasn't engaging in activities I worried that I was missing out. I am still sleeping heaps, that's something that only seams to be getting worse but it may have been partly attributed to all the holiday. I am feeling more optimistic at this stage but we will just have to see how long that lasts.

Flower_girl

[Neil_1]

Hi there flower_girl

Hey, great to hear that you went on a holiday – hope that it was somewhere nice;  although the stressing part didn’t sound so good (especially when you’re supposed to be on holiday and in “relax” mode).   I think holidays should be “how you want them to go” – so if you don’t wish to partake in a particular activity, it shouldn’t be any drama and that you’re allowed to do as you please.

Are you sleeping heaps, or is it a case of it being difficult to get out of bed?  I know on holiday sometimes it can go either way – all dependent on different factors;  for instance, if you’re on hols but at home;  often, there’s not much incentive to be getting out of bed;   but if you’re on hols and are somewhere nice, I find it great to be up and about early – so you can take in as much of the day as possible.  But everyone is different, hey?

I loved your comment about feeling more optimistic – try to keep that thought pattern alive and well – and even if something tries to creep in and wants to take-over in a bad way, why not say to it:  “No, go away – I’m in a good place at the moment and I’m not letting you interrupt my good thoughts – so go away till tomorrow and I’ll deal with you then”.   It does work.

Neil

[flower_girl1]

Hi All,

I haven't been on here in a while so I thought I would pop back on for an update. I have finished up work and I have no more Tafe classes so I am just at home trying to prepare for a move overseas. I have been surprisingly busy so I haven't had reason to write. I have 1 assignment that I got an extension for till next week and it has been the biggest headache. I am almost done but still it is weighing me down.

I wanted to ask if anyone else gets weirdly obsessed with things sometime? Or is it just me? I set myself a task and I am totally obsessed and impatient about getting it done. It's all consuming and rather annoying. But it can go away in a matter of days.

I have been finding getting things done very overwhelming as well. Even though all I have to do are things I want to do just the fact that I have tasks and expectations on me is to much. Its especially frustrating because I had been feeling really good for weeks and was getting through a lot but I have hit a wall again.

 My mum said something funny the other day. I was talking about my cousin who is having problems with drugs and I was telling what I thought he needed to do. She told me I had to remember that I am in a much better place mentally than he is. She still has no idea I've been on AD's. Seems I'm a better actor than I thought, I really thought she might have noticed, but like pretty much everyone in my life she sees the person I show her. It was a strange moment.

Anyway, just thought I would share.

flower_girl