Not Bouncing back

[flower_girl1]

Hi Everyone,

This is my very first post and to be honest I am kind of terrified of making it. I jumped on this site for the first time 2 weeks ago after a few awe full days, and the first replay message I read on someones thread made me cry. All it took were the words 'I care' and I was in tears.

I have never been an overly happy person. I think I picture my self as one person but in reality I'm completed different, and I've never been completed happy with who I am.

 I called myself flower because that's how feel. Like I am that fragile. Every word, every action that someone says or does to me that isn't kind feels like a knife on my skin. No one ever seems to notice just how deep those hurts actually go, or how they don't heal afterwards.

I have had plenty of down days in my life, when to many people said to many not nice things and I ended up paralyzed in my bed dreaming of being somewhere or someone else.

 A couple of weeks ago I had a bad day at work, a bad conversation with my boss and a bad result from a teacher at college and I found myself thinking the words 'I'm done' I was just so tired of people, and how cruel they can be. It was the first time I ever thought about actually calling life line, it felt like someone had tied a boulder to my chest and everywhere I went I was dragging it around.

I have felt this monstrous weight before, but I have always been able to go for a run, go shopping have a good sleep and its always lifted. I don't know why but this time its not really lifting on its own.

I don't know if this is depression or just unhappiness. The idea of talking about it is terrifying, but I hate this feeling, and I am scared off what happens if I can't shake it.

I have plenty of family and friends who love me, though I don't know that they really understand me. But both groups have lost someone to depression and if I even spoke a word of this to them I would scare them beyond belief. I've seen what loosing someone to depression looks like, and I would absolutely hate to hurt people like that.That's why I wanted to talk to someone on here about how I am feeling.

I don't want to be told there is something wrong with the way my brain works, but I don't want to be told that I am fine and this is normal either.

I would love any support this page can offer me to get this weight off my chest.

Flower_girl

[flower_girl1]

Urg these side effects are aweful, I thought there would be some but that doesn't make it easier. I am so sleepy I don't want to get out of bed, my brain is talking in circles and my body is just numb. I don't know how the hell I m going to focus on this work.

[flower_girl1]

I feel aweful!

[HA1]

So sorry that you feel so bad 😞

don't forget that if this persists, then go back to your GP and explain.  It may be that the meds are not right for you.

what is it that you are feeling? Is it still the same as you posted earlier today?

K

[flower_girl1]

I'm just exhausted, I can barely bring myself to do anything. These meds are making me feel so flat, I don't feel like I'm afraid anymore, instead I just feel numb.

[HA1]

Hi Flower_Girl

Feeling of dullness and being flat and fatigued are symptoms that I am also personally all too familiar with.

Just letting you know that someone is listening and shares those feelings. You will get better.

Keep posting

K

[flower_girl1]

Hi k,

thanks for keeping in touch I really need it right. The physical symptoms are starting to ease off a bit but my head space is definately no better. I don't think I have felt joy in months now, I have absolutely no interest in anything anymore, I just stay in bed, everything is so much effort. I thought these were anti depressants? Before I thought it was just anxiety, but on them I feel like I have developed depression. All I feel emptiness.

flower_girl

[HA1]

You are most welcome Flower_Girl 🙂

By the sounds of it you might be easing into the new meds (fingers crossed).  It is a good sign that the physical symptoms are gone.  When you say that you "just stay in bed forever, everything is so much effort", I guess you mean that the constant tiredness is still around? I won't pretend that loss of interest and lack of motivation is not associated with depression - you should talk to your doctor again.

How is your appetite?  And do you still socialise at all (visits by/to friends and family)?

You are doing OK! 

K

[flower_girl1]

Hi k,

No I am not really socialising ATM, I have cancelled or not attended a lot of stuff lately. I was trying to go out more when this began but I found it draining to keep cheerfull when I wasn't. Now I'm not looking forward to spending time with ppl because its exhausting to smile, I'm worried if I spend to much time with someone they will see how I am really feeling and I would rather keep that private. My appetite is still crap tonight was the first night I ate dinner all week, I am just making myself eat but I think this is getting better.

it seems to be for 5-6 hours after I take the mess that I feel very flat and my thoughts go very dark. After that I start to come back to myself a bit but just long enough to start feeling anxious again. It's a daily roller coaster it seems.

sometimes just putting on shoes is like asking me to climb the Eiffel Tower. 

I guess I am better than I was, my body is not tingling anymore and my heart isn't racing, hopefully these side effects will go away soon.

thanks for your support.

flower_girl

[HA1]

Hi Flower Girl

I know how you feel with going out socialising.  I'm still struggling with that, and tend not to visit people other than family. However, the silly season is upon us, and the usual social gatherings.  I have three xmas social activities I must attend.  I will attend, I will be polite and will smile.  No one needs to know if I'd rather not  be there. So I have been preparing for a while with the very occasional lunch or dinner with one or two other couples.  No one knows that I am ill - I'll keep it that way. (You need to be very very selective with who you share your story with among your friends or relatives.) If you are in a position to sat art socialising in very small doses, do you think that you could eventually work your way up to attending a larger gathering?

Apetite!    Not at all unusual for your appetite to disappear.  But I am glad that you are getting some food into you and that it is getting better.  I lost far too much weight in the first two months.  I had to stop the weight loss.  My tactic is now to have one proper main meal a day (dinner), the rest of the day I graze on whatever my tastebuds ask for.  I start the day often with  a muesli bar (because you can eat it without actually sitting down to have a meal.  Then depending on what I am doing, I might have a banana if I am going to the gym, or some other grazing food. I currently have a serious weakness for cakes and sweets, maybe not healthy but easy to eat!  (Just as well I go to gym !)  I hope you are not loosing too much weight, because you need to maintain your strength.  Not eating will just make you more fatigued.  You might try the grazing method that I use; but you need to surround yourself with foods that you really enjoy eating 🙂

Yes the roller coaster (waves) of ups and downs during the day can be extremely exhausting.  I'm still dealing with it & and if I come up with something I'll promise to share it.  But by then your side effects will have all gone.

In this last post you made, you referred to being better in respect of two different areas - your appetite is getting better and the physical side effects are also getting better.  That is great, well done!  🙂

Happy to talk and share ideas whenever you like.

K

[flower_girl1]

Hi k

So, I am at college again today. I have been here almost everyday for weeks. And I feel more and more like I don't bong here and like this place is some kind of battle. Everyone is really excited and chatty to be finishing up and I fe so isolated by all the work. When ever I here foot steps I am afraid that it's going o be someone who will judge me or look down on me. I am increasingly uncomfortable in a place that's been a part of my life for 6 years. is this gonna happen in all workplaces in my life? That I am going to feel frightened by the seriousness of it all?

flower_girl