New to BeyondBlue and could use some advice/support

[DisneyFan101]

Hey everyone, 

I'm only fairly young and I worried i may be ridiculed for being so young and having "problems" that i need help with such as boyfriend problems and issues with my father which ill address on another day. I'm 18 in a few months and any support i could get would be great.

I'm usually a fairly happy teenager when kept occupied, but when i'm alone or have a lot of stress on me, i begin to drift into a very dark state of mind, i have had severe anxiety and depression most of my life and i don't know how to deal with the emotions that come with being alone and having thoughts like i do, some of these thoughts consist of just ending everything, thinking that I'm worthless and everybody around me doesn't like me at all, they just pretend and i feel like when something goes wrong in many peoples lives and i cant help, it makes me feel like its my fault. I want everybody around me to be happy but at the same time I'm desperate for happiness for myself. My boyfriend of 2 years and i disagree quite often over silly little things, he went to Schoolies this time a year ago and kissed two other women and he says that's all that happened. A lot of me believes him and the left over parts are just skeptical. I found out about this via my best friend and in the beginning he denied it but eventually admitted it was the truth. i was distraught but over many many weeks i started to feel a little better, the pain is still there but not as much, i love him to bits but I'm tired of being so insecure because its causing issues between us, I'm doing year 12 at the moment and the stress is taking its toll on me, i don't mind having the occasional argument (in my opinion sometimes its healthy to vent) but not this much. Like i began to explain earlier the actual arguments a lot of the time are due to my constant stress and worry about him when he goes out the the pub with the boys. I want him to be able to have fun and go out without working myself up so much, I could really use any advice i can get on how to let go of the past or control my anxiety attacks and depression states. I'm on antidepressants and they have helped a fair bit over the past however many years but these little episodes i have just keep going. Please give some advice.

I love him more than anything and i want to be with him but its not going to work whilst i hang on to the past like i do.

- Thankyou

[Paul]

Hey DisneyFan, Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. Really glad you were able to drop in and tell us how you're feeling, which seems to be a bit yuck at the moment 😞

Worrying about someone being faithful to us can be exhausting because as you mentioned, it's a matter of truth at the end of the day. That can be hard to judge and sometimes it's a matter of letting go and starting again no matter what happened.

I got a strong feeling about the amount of stress you're experiencing at the moment and know that it's not a very nice thing. Being unwell, Year 12, relationship concerns and the constant feelings you've described. Have you thought of visiting your Dr so you can have a chat and see if your medication is still effective or if there is something new you could try? I had to change medication because I'd been on the same ones for a while and the effectiveness reduced. I felt better after changing.

Beyond Blue has a hotline that you can call any time if you need to urgently speak to someone, I know it's frightening to have dark thoughts - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The folks on the hotline are trained to help you through dark situations.

Lastly - you will NEVER be ridiculed here for having mental health issues. We're all in the same boat. Some of us needed help when we were young, some of us later in life. Depression and anxiety don't discriminate based on age, nor do we and nor do health professionals.

Stay in touch and take care. Have a think about visiting your Dr and chatting about meds.

Paul

[DisneyFan101]

Thankyou Paul,

It felt amazing to just get a reply off somebody.

I will organise to see my GP soon and chat about medication, i'm a little confused on how they're supposed to work though, are they just supposed to get rid of the feelings and thoughts all together? or do they just cause you to feel it a little less?

Thankyou so much for your advice, it really made me feel so much better to see somebody respond, and its only my first post! 

It definitely is a matter of truth and looking forward etc. I have spoken to my boyfriend a few times and it helps me to feel better about the situation but as soon as it comes down to the time he wants to go out to the pub, all of those emotions come flooding back, i wish i could just forget about everything negative that was in the past and look forward to now, but i know that'll never happen so in the mean time i need to try different methods to help deal with all of these mixed emotions and anxiety.

Thats really great to know that i'm not laughed at, thats always been my biggest fear, most of the time its why i never speak to anyone about this stuff or if i do, i cut it short. For example, when my parents divorced which was extremely hard on me as a kid i had counselling and i would feel like i had to watch what i said the whole time because i had the constant fear that after i left they would sit with friends or family over dinner or a cup of tea and share my stories and have a laugh at my expense, as i get older i realize that i cant keep these things bottled up anymore and its time for them to come out, so that i can properly deal with them so thats what im hoping to achieve through talking about these things i've faced.

Thankyou once again, so much!

 - Shanae

[geoff]

dear DisneyFan, it's always a great name to use, because no matter how old we are, there's nothing better than watching Waltz Disney.

You know it's very difficult to decide whether or not to post a comment, wondering if you will be ridiculed, but not on this site, it just doesn't happen.

Going through year 12 is always a difficult task, but then bring in the problems with your b/friend and your father only adds to all the pressure you're under, especially when you live at home, so the stress is constant.

Being in love at an age which you are in, is beautiful, but then we get problems of doubt and trust which weigh heavily on the relationship, and although you agree with him going to the pub, there is always this feeling of 'what if', or scared of 'what if', so all you want is for him to be honest to you, and when he trips over and tells a white lie, then this disappoints you, so it's something which he doesn't want to do on a constant basis.

There's nothing wrong with having an argument, because making up is the best part, but when a certain point can't be resolved, then it should be a bit of 'give and take'.

I know that you will talk about your father later on, but it seems as though your self esteem is low, and I wonder if your father has caused this.

At the moment there is so much on your mind, and that's where the 'what if' comes back into it, and I'm referring to finishing year 12, plus your /friend and then your father.

I hope that I'm not jumping the gun by mentioning your father, but I would visit your doctor again and mention what is going on, or print your post out and hand it to him/her.

Hope to hear back from you. Geoff. x

[Paul]

Hey Shanae,

Thanks for your reply. I'm so glad you're feeling a little better knowing we're all here.

You asked about medications. It's a common misconception that medications for depression and anxiety are "happy pills". Probably spread by people who have no idea and attach a stigma the use of medication.

I like to think of the medication as "not too unhappy pills" that's my dig back at the silly original term. Anyway...

In my experience, medication has smoothed out the big downers. It helped keep my moods at a level where I could deal with things and not be weighed down by dread and then spin out of control. My psychiatrist explained to me that achieving biological stability which is medication working effectively, makes dealing with depression and anxiety and developing mechanisms to cope and understand much easier.

These some great resources in the menus above and below. "The facts" "depression", " treatments" then I think medications.

Now it may seem like I've described medications as removing depression and then described depression still there after medications start to work. That's true. Again, for me, medication smoothed out the road, so I fell in a dark hole less.

Have a good chat with your Dr and don't be afraid to ask questions or explain how you feel. My view on blurting (my pet term for telling the whole ugly story) is. Go for it. I sometimes try to shock my psychiatrist. It gets boring, he doesn't shock easily, doesn't even blink. 

Take care Shanae, stay in touch.

Paul

[DisneyFan101]

Hey Geoff,

Thank you for responding,

No you weren't jumping the gun as they say by mentioning my father, he's not the most ideal father and he has strange ways of showing emotions, sometimes he doesn't at all. 

I'm forever having issues with my dad and yes i do believe that to some degree he has influenced the amount of self esteem i have. I've been through alot with my dad and he is a very negative and gloomy person, as i have gotten older i have decided not to spend so much time around him, i still love seeing him and spending the occasional day at his house but i'm always leaving with the impression that the relationship between us is one sided as its a very big struggle for him to say he loves me back (i always have to say it first otherwise its not said at all) and he struggles to give me a proper hug, most of the time its 'half hearted'.

Back to the boyfriend, Ive been trying to discuss things with him and work through some of the things happening between us, he tries his best to listen but he isnt good with responding because he hasnt really had to go through this before, and i understand that because i haven't either, so thats okay with me but sometimes i find i just really need him to get his head in the game and tell me what i need to hear sort of thing. (I'm not sure how much sense that makes??).

School takes its toll on me and i need to focus alot more but sometimes its difficult with so many things going on around me, sometimes it just gets to the point where i need to scream to release some of the emotion (I dont actually do that) lol :-).

I'm going to organise to see my GP about medication changes but i always feel guilty because she is so hard to get into and my mother has to pay for me, i would like to find a new Dr but i'm worried about insulting her etc.

Its doing me some good just to be able to talk about this with somebody who doesnt have a bias opinion for example, my family.

 I feel like when i try to get close to my dad he just pushes me away again and makes me feel horrible, the main reason i had to remove myself from being in the house with him was the stress and the dark thoughts were becoming more and more frequent and i didnt need the stress with so much workload from school, work and family issues at my mothers.

How can i control the what ifs and the constant fear that he might be lying and things along that line?

Thankyou Geoff!!

- Shanae 🙂 

[DisneyFan101]

Hey Paul, 

Any suggestions on how to let go and move on with other things? 🙂

I'll definitely try to get into contact with my doctor and see what she thinks about the situation.

I'll read up on those links when i get home this afternoon, if you think they'll help me to understand.

You sound lovely and thank you once again, have fun trying to surprise your psychiatrist 🙂  you'll have to let me know if you succeed??

Stay in touch

- Shanae 

[Paul]

Hey Shanae,

Giggle - Thanks. I'll certainly let you know if I manage to get my psych to flinch. It's like a game of chicken!

How to let go. it's not easy - probably why you used an exclamation mark! It takes a bit of examination and determination and ultimate honesty with yourself. So...

If your BF did kiss two other women how has it impacted on him being with you now?

If your BF did something more with anyone - despite him saying he didn't then it can only be believed until there is reason to disbelieve. If he did do something - he is still with you. He still loves you. I know it sounds simplistic and I've tried to break it down without going in to personal values on what sex or intimacy means to each of you. Perhaps that's a discussion you could have with your BF to help you understand each other more. It's so taken for granted that everyone **THINKS** they know what their partner considers OK and what is not OK.

Part of letting go is forgiving. Does it really really matter? Does it mean he loves you any less?

I have different views on boundaries in relationships but mine are still STRICT and non negotiable about honesty. If that is not included and adhered to - I point at the door.

So my ex (of 12 years) and I had a pact. I made my psych laugh with this one.

If you're thinking of having an affair, let's discuss it and be open and honest about it.

If you're GOING to have an affair, invite me!

With regards to you and your BF disagreeing over silly things - are they worth disagreeing over? When you really look at them and break them down, are they worth it? Are the things that you argue over symbolic of how you are both feeling, what I mean is, does the silly thing represent an aspect of your relationship or your beliefs that needs to be discussed gently and to the point instead of using "props" or symbolic things that keep you both from the "real" topic.

If the argument really is over something trivial, perhaps you both aren't feeling heard. Just like expressing yourself on here helps you feel better because people listen, knowing that our loved ones are listening validates what we say and how we feel. 

There's a bit of an art to communicating in relationships, it doesn't always work, but one of the keys is always approach from the angle of how you feel eg"I felt upset the other day when...". There's less confrontation and you both feel like there's less blame.

Toodleloo for now.

Paul

[DisneyFan101]

Paul! You're a champion, seriously ive never heard some of this advice before, its great! 

Ever thought about going into the psych career yourself? lol! 

That really is a good way to put things and talk about them, although how much is too much talking for a man? I mean as a woman, i could talk all day until my own ears fell off let alone somebody elses.. 

Love the pact!!!! - made me have a little bit of a chuckle to myself.

I guess what your saying is kind of like the 'innocent until proven guilty' way of thinking. 

It mainly impacted me when he kissed them, he said it was because he had never felt that attention from women before, he felt wanted or whatever which to a point i can understand, it just makes me think maybe i'm not doing something right?

I try my best for him and to keep him from anything that may get him into trouble but i think he sees that as me being controlling and to a certain degree i am, i admit that and i hate it, absolutely hate that fact that im like that.

I'll for sure keep the ways to begin the conversation in mind, i think that'll be really interesting to try.

 Ta ta! 

- Shanae

[Paul]

Hey Shanae,

I wonder if your BF had beer goggles on and was taken by the moment. Keeping in mind that we see what we perceive. If he was a bit tipsy or even sobre but swept up in a moment, yeah that sort of comment about receiving attention is understandable. TWO women paying one guy attention. Of course that's attention he's not had before.

Have you shared your fantasies together? Talked about what tickles your fancy, what makes you feel emotionally warm and what makes you physically warm. That might lead to him being able to verbalise how he feels about attention and put your mind at ease.

P