My story

[Musicgirl]

Hi all, I'm 19 and have been reading these forums for a while but never brave enough to post. I feel that i have been suffering from anxiety for as long as i can remember, but I just pushed aside for as long as I could until about 9 months ago. I guess i kind of just want to put my story out there and see if anyone has been in the same boat.So 9 months ago was the last straw for me when I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship where I would often endure the silent treatment and bouts of guilt for having a life with friends and a career when he didnt.  Then as the relationship was ending he had a seizure next to me in my bed on my birthday, and this brought on a whole range of other worries. Ive always worried about my health for as long as i can remember I've thought i have had some kind of terminal illness without knowing, and even though i know this is totally illogical I still think it. And now i also havent slept in my bed since the night of the seizure as im scared something is going to happen in there, so i sleep on the couch and  i really need to change that as im tired all the time and getting a sore back from it. Ever since my parents divorced ive also felt a lot of responsibility to be in some kind of adult role in my house as my mum struggles alot and i feel like i need to be in charge. So i also cope with alot of worries regarding finance and cleaning and cooking and just generally that she is ok. I also really want to move out this year, but am feeling guilty at the thought of this as mum will be all alone in the house and im scared for her. I currently see a psychologist once a week and for the first day or two after i see her i feel amazing, like all my anxiety is gone. But then it all comes back to me and i have to get through the rest of the week before seeing her again. Usually its not anything in particular that triggers it to come back. But i do work in a hospital pharmacy part time while studying my degree in music performance, so being around sick people probably isnt helping my anxiety around health issues. I most commonly experience nausea and heart palpitations and tense muscles/headaches. And while ive had all of these issues checked with a doctor, as soon as they occur i reduce myself into a panicked state thinking that its something worse than it is. Thankyou in advance for reading my story, it feels good to write it down.  

[white knight]

Hi Musicgirl, welcome to beyond blue forums. Great to see you reading lots here. A good start.

Some things struck a cord with me. "been given the silent treatment" I endured that with my first wife for up to 6 weeks at a time. It is abuse. It can spin your head around. It can make you feel that you are single and rejected.It is unacceptable for adults to do this. Adults should be able to sit down and talk, keep their voice volume down and stick to the topic.

Anxiety is a serious illness. I had it ongoing until 1987 when it peaked during a workplace event. Then medication was prescribed that I took for 12 years. Then the relaxation classes and other therapy continued till this day. So 28 years after initial treatment I'm still proceeding. Such illnesses are life managing not quick curing IMO.

So, its time to think of Musicgirl. That doesnt mean shutting others out - it means making you, due to your illness, number one until such time as you manage your illness effectively.

What does this mean?  It means many things. Your anxiety can be managed better with changes like- making financial changes so down the track you will be more financially secure, assisting you mother into care (or accepting many people live alone and you can visit her regularly), making a decision with your partner or at least allowing him chances to accept you and not abusing you anymore, seeking out a calm lifestyle ( I often suggest a move to the country), in effect removing everything that adds to your illness. eg I've got a friend that drives one hour to work. Her car continually breaks down. Once she purchased a reliable car her anxiety was reduced. We have to make decisions to help us towards recovery.

It's time for changes. Make them wisely. In time you'll be grateful for these changes that helped your illness drift away as mine did.

Tony WK

[Zeal]

Hi Musicgirl,

It’s great you’ve been able to map out your story on this forum. Writing down life events and issues does feel surprisingly good. For creative writing at uni, I wrote a short story about a mental health experience I went through. I’m a 22 year old female, by the way, and still live at home with my parents and 19 year old sister.  I have also suffered from anxiety, and think it started when I was in primary school. I was first diagnosed with OCD at 13. I also had general anxiety, especially in social situations. I still have mild OCD now, but it doesn’t negatively impact my life anymore :)

I’m glad you have left your emotionally abusive relationship – you deserve better. It’s great that you have good friends and a career. I used to feel I was going nowhere, but for the last year and a half, life is looking much better.  This year I’m studying second year psychology, babysitting, and volunteering. It took me ages to conquer my severe anxiety. What works for me is socialising with friends regularly, spending time with both close and extended family, sleeping well, eating a variety of foods, and having something substantial to focus on (for me, that’s studying psychology).

I think it’s awesome you’re studying music performance. What instrument do you play? When you aren’t studying, it must be enjoyable to be able to create music for yourself.  I have no musical talents, and admire people who do :)

When your boyfriend had a seizure in your bed, you must have been quite frightened and traumatised. Make sure you discuss this with your psychologist, and mention your new sleeping arrangement too. Sleeping on the couch is leading to poorer quality sleep. Poorer sleep causes your brain to not function at its optimum level, which affects concentration, mood, the ability to control your emotions, and so on.  Make getting better sleep a priority, as quality sleep helps so much. Also, have you considered seeing your psychologist twice weekly? Seeing her weekly is great though 🙂

It sounds like you have Health Anxiety. I recommend getting resources from the Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) website. There is online information you can print off about Health Anxiety. There are other similar resources about other topics and conditions. These resources were recommended for me, when I was your age actually!

Good luck with everything, and repost if you like 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Musicgirl]

Hi SM,

so glad to hear that your OCD doesnt affect your life negatively anymore! Im waiting keenly for the day that i can say that my anxiety doesnt affect me anymore, but i know it wont just happen overnight! 

I play clarinet at university, but also saxophone and flute. It was such a good decision to study what i love! It wasnt widely accepted by my family at the time, as music is a career where most people just assume you will never make any money. But im very glad im starting to prove them wrong about that. And i love every moment of it, it is definitely what keeps me busy, so i understand when you say studying psychology does that for you! 

I have started telling my psychologist about the sleeping arrangements now and am trying to find techniques to coerce myself back into bed, it feels like such a silly thing to be afraid of, but it is definitely a task that is much harder said than done for me. I am also afraid that if i saw my psychologist more i wouldnt find enough things to fill the hour with twice a week, i feel bad if i go in and repeat myself all the time so i try my best to just hold it together for those next few days until i can see her again. 

Thanks so much for the advice about cci, i just downloaded some pdfs on health anxiety, i look forwardr to reading them! 

[White_Rose]

Hello Musicgirl

You cannot imagine how much I am in awe of your musical talents. I tried to learn to play the piano but without much success. Both my sons play the guitar and now one of my granddaughters and my grandson also play guitar.

As SM said, how fantastic to play your own music. Do you find it helpful on miserable days? I listen to music when I feel upset, but playing....that would be so wonderful.

So pleased you are out of the abusive relationship. My husband used to give me the silent treatment and it is soul destroying. I can imagine the effect of someone having a seizure next to you. Really frightening. 

Would it help if you bought a new bed. I appreciate the expense but it may help you into a good night's sleep. Perhaps ask your psych about this.

Most of our fears appear to be small and silly to others. That is until they have their own fears. I went through a time when I became afraid of driving. Fortunately I got over it as I would be in a pickle these days. I was also afraid of using my mother's vacumn cleaner. (Or maybe that was an excuse not to do any housework)  Seriously though, I was terrified and there was absolutely no reason.

I can understand your concerns about your mother. But it is time to focus on your own needs and get well again.

There are community organisations that can help your mom with housework and shopping and you can still keep an eye on the finances. This would be good to talk about with your GP and also the psych.

I most certainly relate to your feelings after seeing your psych. I do exactly the same. He told me it was because his consulting room was a safe refuge where I could relax and let it all out. The relief that follows is amazing and then reality sets in. There have been times when I just don't want to leave because I have to go back into the world.

So while this is happening, it is good to speak to the psych regularly. As you start to heal you will find these feelings will reduce and the time between sessions can be extended until you no longer need her help. But do not panic. This will not happen until some time in the future when you can cope.

Meanwhile, can you set up a plan about how to cope with the in-between days? I found that a few days before the next visit I would think about what I wanted to talk about. Sometimes I would write a list with notes to make sure I covered everything. This helped with the lost feelings. The bit in-between I just gritted my teeth and got though it.

Love to hear from you.

Mary

[Musicgirl]

Hi Mary,

thankyou so much for your reply. Its really comforting to know someone else has experienced similar things to me, such as the feelings with seeing your psychologist. 

I am really lucky to be able to play music, it does tend to help on miserable days. Its the one thing that can make me stop thinking for more than 5 seconds. 

I did actually buy a new bed straight away, and it got me in there for one night and not again since! I recently just bought new pyjamas and some candles to see if i can con myself to going back in haha. 

I like the idea of writing a list! Might give that a try!

Xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Musicgirl

Sorry to take so long to get back to you.  It's raining here (Brisbane) and everything is cold, damp and yucky. It's the time when I just want to go to bed and sleep until it's over.

Well, if the new bed does not work what about a mattress on the floor. You should get a better night's sleep. Also, can you sleep in a different room?  Have you tried listening to music? By that I mean can you set up something that switches off after an hour or so?

How do you feel about getting some help for your mother? Meals on Wheels can provide one or two meals a day. Depending on your state, there are organisations that provide home helps for housework. Try your local church or diocese for help in shopping and outings. I believe both the Anglican and Catholic churches do this and probaly other denominations.

Like many of us here I have experienced panic attacks. They are not to be recommended as we know. I was scared that my anxiety about having a panic attack would cause me to have another panic attack. How illogical can you get?

I have a suggestion for you. It's not really mine as it was told to me but I find it helps. When you find yourself feeling anxious imagine you are walking in a field of tall grass. You are walking down a grass path that you have made by constantly walking the path. This is your default thinking path. Now imagine you are turning at right angles and walking into the untrodden grass and starting to tread a new path. While you are doing this concentrate on thinking about something completely different.

The worry path is being left behind and you are focusing on how nice it is to explore somewhere different. Or perhaps you can plan how you will perform at your next concert, find a new home and furnish it, go on holiday, meet up with friends. Everytime you realise you are walking the worry path remember to turn to your new path.

It will not be easy to start with but persevere. It does get easier  You can start making other paths as well. I taught my daughter to think of something enjoyable when she could not sleep. Concentrating on something other than worry helps you to relax. Think of a book you have enjoyed or a film. Go through the book chapter by chapter in your mind and retell the story. Similarly with a film. It helps to stop the mind churning over stuff that probably will not happen but that you will deal with if and when it happens.

Cheers

Mary

[Musicgirl]

Hi Mary, thats ok I completely understand! Its muggy and disgusting in Melbourne!

I could try a mattress on the floor, thats an idea! And i watch tv to fall asleep, probably not as good as music but its something for now. 

My mum doesnt struggle so much with that kind of thing, like she can completely look after herself. But its more me worrying that she cant, just based off only a few experiences. I very much made myself a parent in our relationship, so i only have myself to blame for thinking she would struggle if i moved out. Im also scared that if i cant even sleep in my room, how on earth would i live alone?!

i can completely understand being afraid of having a panic attack, they are such an awful thing to experience. Today was a terrible day for me! I had a rehearsal for band and i could not focus cause all i could thinking about was that one of my moles is cancer. Even though i had it checked last year. My mind is telling me to go get it checked again, but also telling me not to because im scared of what they might say. Also ive been to the doctors that many times in the past month with silly worries like that, that im just trying to control myself a little! So i just wanted to cry for the whole rehearsal but i couldnt because im a leader and i needed to lead and perform, so i pushed it aside and now im sitting at my dads house worrying. I want to cry, but i hate crying so im making myself not do that and i know thats worse for me. But i also just really want a hug and i have no one to get that off, all my friends just think im being silly and tell me to stop worrying.. If that was an option i think id take it.

sorry i think i just needed a bit of a rant!!

i do like the suggestion about using some imagery kind of thing! I can give it a try, but no guarantees it will work straight away. I dont know how good at it i would be haha

thanks x 

[White_Rose]

Great to hear from you Musicgirl. Don't stress about whether anything will work, first time or last time. Just give it a go and then another go and then another go.

That's how you trod the worry path and how you can make other paths.

Mary