It feels weird to express this, because I haven't told anyone exactly
how I feel. But my experiences of feeling down are becoming a lot more
frequent and it's wearing me down to keep it inside. I moved from NZ to
Australia in late 2013 as I had just ...
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It feels weird to express this, because I haven't told anyone exactly
how I feel. But my experiences of feeling down are becoming a lot more
frequent and it's wearing me down to keep it inside. I moved from NZ to
Australia in late 2013 as I had just finished university and wanted to
find work. I began my first ever relationship with a boy I had known for
nearly a year (as we met on an earlier trip to Australia, but due to
living in different countries, we had had a semi sorta online
relationship). During the time spent apart, there had been several
occasions when he hurt me emotionally (several stemming from his
reputatino as 'player'), but I forgave and thought that once we are in
the same country it will be better.We dated for about 2 months, until he
broke up with me a few days before my 22nd birthday. It is the hardest
thing I have ever had to deal with. Being told that I am too passive,
shy, quiet and boring by someone who had previously liked me a lot was
absolutely heartbreaking. That's what started my feelings of depression.
But I know that everyone goes through break ups and that they are always
hurtful, so I am unsure whether my conclusion that I am depressed is
warranted or not. It has been over two months now since he dumped me. I
feel worthless, hollow, and unhappy. I can try and distract myself with
things I am still able to enjoy, such as being with the few friends I
have in this country. However, I feel I am developing a reliance on
alcohol to assist with my mood. My securing a job and my upcoming
graduation ceremony should be happy occasions, but this sadness
overwhelms any happy emotions. I dread being alone and always try to
fill in my time with a friend, but they have their own lives and I can't
always have this dependebce on them. Plus they don't know the extent of
how bad I feel. Whenever I am alone I struggle to be happy at all, as
the thoughts that are constantly in the back of my mind come forth and I
dwell over hurtful details. I have a tendency for obsessive behaviour (a
self-diagnosed, I might add, OCD) and find myself obsessing over tiny
things and future possibilities such as whether my ex has moved on, etc.
I hurt myself even further because I can stop thinking about these
things. Lately my ex has taken to messaging me again through Facebook,
and his efforts at maintaining a normal conversation end up getting me
upset again (as I still have feelings for him) when he mentions things
from when we were together, such as the fact I was shy at parties he
would take me to. It makes me feel as though I should have done better
and that I messed everything up. I feel relieved when he contacts me.
But I feel so unhappy now, with this awful emptyness in my body that
stops me from ever truly feeling joy. Lately I have been having
recurring thoughts about how it would be so much easier to end it. I
find myself thinking about what I would do. I don't actually want to do
it, and I won't, but I can't help but entertain these thoughts. Anyway,
I still feel unsure as to whether this is actually depression or whether
I am just having a bad reaction to an upsetting circumstance. My dad was
diagnosed with depression a few years ago, I'm not sure whether it could
be a genetic thing either. I just know that I have never felt as low as
this for this amount of time. I feel very alone and just want to be
happy again. Chloe 800x600 beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators
often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or
self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the
community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or
self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
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