Severe depression, please help

[Blake95]

My name is Blake and I’m 18 years old. for the past two months

I have been suffering from depression and it is getting the better of me. Please bare with me as I don’t even understand it yet, but I will do my best to open up.  

I am a lot more fortunate than others around me so I do not think I have been robbed of anything or that my life is unfair. I think the root of

my depression stems from the hatred of myself.  

A lot of people do not understand and think I am just unhappy with my life or it is as easy as “biting the bullet and moving on.” But how do you escape it when the problem is yourself? It’s not as simple as taking the day off work, when the problem takes the day off as well and comes with you. I honestly despise my self so much that I do not feel worthy, loved, or deserve anything. I can’t even enjoy or do simple things such as shopping for clothes because I don’t feel deserving of them.  

If I’m not helping anyone on this planet, then I feel as though I’m wasting time, space and resources. I am indecisive because I do not trust myself. I am constantly looking for approval of others because I can not approve of myself.  I sleep all the time because I am not aware while sleeping; I am at peace.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot convince myself that my life is worth living (not by others, but by me) and I would give it to someone if I could. The only thing keeping me here is the fact that I know survival is a natural instinct, and if I don’t have that natural instinct, something is wrong. I am aware of it and depression is overriding that instinct. I feel guilty living and I would feel guilty dying because that would

hurt my family.  

I am in constant agony and I just want to accept myself. 

Thank you for your time, have a lovely day.


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[AGrace]

Hi Blake95,

Welcome. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. 

Sometimes it can be difficult to work out if it's the chicken or the egg. I'm wondering if low self worth and self esteem happened first or whether depression hit and low self worth and self esteem was a symptom of this? Was there a trigger or turning point for the reduction in self worth? Did it happen gradually or rapidly? Can you recall a time when low self esteem and self worth weren't a problem for you?

I know how tough it is to struggle with this, as it's something I'm dealing with at the moment. I'm actually doing an outpatient program at present on this very topic. Have you sought help for the way you feel before? I'd honestly say it would be worthwhile. I can imagine you probably don't feel deserving of this, but while your thoughts of yourself are currently skewed, I'd let others be the judge of your worth. You are worthwhile, and you do deserve help. You are not the problem. The problem is low self worth and self esteem, and I know because it's all consuming that it's hard to see the problem in this way.

Seeing a GP would be your next step so you can get a referral to a Psychologist. Check that the Psychologist runs group programs at their practice. The good thing is that like me, there are so many others who have this problem, so groups on this topic are pretty common. 

Im glad that although you have considered the idea, you can see ending your life is not an option. Yes it would be very painful for others. It also wouldn't give you the chance to work on this problem and see what life can be like without it.

I really do feel for you, and I hope to hear back from you. 

AGrace