A never ending battle

[smile01]

I am 18 years old and have experienced anxiety my whole life - I was diagnosed with GAD just last year after it got really bad following a few not so great things happened. I finally went to my GP after the reaction of someone after I described what I felt everyday, I just assumed it was normal to worry all the time, but now after being on Anti - depressants for a year I realise how bad it was. 

One of my most upsetting memories still was having a panic attack and feeling it for days, having mini breakdowns for two weeks afterward, I stayed in my room for a week straight. That makes me sad, it makes me feel like I was so abnormal - even now because the only thing stopping me from reverting back is my medication.

I recently had a bit of a scare when I decided to stop taking my medication and that just made me really really sick so I started taking it again. And sometimes I do things like that, that kind of dont make sense and I never used to do that before taking the medication which concerns me. I can feel the medications effect on my brain, like a force field or barrier of some sort limiting my emotions and feelings. 

And I hate that - in some ways I feel almost claustrophobic I just want to break out of this restricting bubble. but I know I cant.

Also- the main problem I had was anxiety but I was also grieving as well but since being on the medication my anxiety had cleared up but for some reason I feel depressed sometimes, that part hasnt gone away and I dont understand why.

I thought once I got help - which was relly hard for me, taking me years and years to do , that was it, I get treated and I get better - but it just seems like a never ending battle. I will be at risk of going back to that place in my mind all the time for the rest of my life- I can never be totally cured.

It feels like a shadow cast over me, something that I cant evade or get away from, it is always over my shoulder, a secret I have to keep from all the other people who dont understand - and dont care to understand what it is actually like to feel this way.

If anyone has similar feelings or advise it would be appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Smile01

You have a heavy load, no denying it, but you are traveling a path others have gone down before and you can lean on their experience at least a little bit.

Yes I guess you do feel you have to hide your situation, I do too, however it's not an all-or-nothing deal, some people do care, respond well and some can sometimes help - I guess it is a judgment call who you tell.

When trying to deal  with situations I've learned that practice helps, whether it's a period of great anxiety or a panic attack. My strategies include exercise and distraction by reading (I know this is not for all but it's helped me greatly for 30 years). Knowing I've also always come out the other side to a more stable state helps me a lot too.

You may not be able to 'break out' of the bubble but over time I hope you find it is less confining and even at times quite forgettable. Circumstances, meds etc can change.

Try to find things to look forward to. As an example I've always been worried when checking the mailbox - now I buy little bits and pieces from eBay which arrive in the mail, it's help to change my feelings when checking the mail as there might be something nice.

I'm probably not explaining this that well however  take heart from the fact that I, like many others, have survived a similar situation and by and large have found a lot in life to enjoy.

 Take care

Croix

[guest137]

hi smile01

im 19 and have a very similar feeling. however iv never really asked for help or wanted any so i would just hide for weeks and only see my friends once every few weeks. iv never have gone this far into exploring my life and how it looks in the future. 

my dad has suffered from depression for over 30 years that ultermitly ended the family and well, truly effect my emotional being. i often have dreams of walls collapsing and struggling to open my eyes, becoming numb and nonreactive to any emotional response. this has truly effect my way of showing any affection towards anyone.

i just wanted to say that no one is alone in these situations and i wanted to know if seeing a someone would really get me to feel a sense of being again. i never know how bad i was, i thought it was normal to feel scared in this world. iv skipped almost all my classes in university simply because i cant force myself to leave my room.

i feel lost, and often feel like it should all end. but my family and my dog open my mind but sometimes the depression is to strong and i will seek pain. im scared and i dont know what to do