My Life is a Mess..

[Claremary]

My life is a mess right now.. I was born a generally anxious person, and then when I moved to a small town who didn't approve of pale skin, I began getting bullied physically, emotionally, verbally, and sometimes sexually every day. I've moved past it because everyone tells me too so I don't think about it much anymore. But from the years of isolation, of no friends, I think it really scarred me. I've suffered from anxiety my whole life but it just got so much worse and was then paired with depression when I reached 13. I moved to a new town when I was 15 and found the love of my life the day I moved there. But I still didn't have the whole making friends and socialising thing down so it took me years to make good friends..

Anyway without telling my entire life story,

I' ve basically been suffering from depression and anxiety since I was very young, and now that I'm 18, 19 on Wednesday, I just recently dropped out of uni, I can't stand on my own two feet. I came to live back with my father and that helped. But I can't find work, mainly because I get too anxious to leave the house, and I can't do normal day to day things like wake up, feed myself properly, exercise etc. My life is a mess, I'm always over emotional, I have no money, I keep disappointing the people I love, and i just don' t know what to do anymore. I don't like hanging  with friends, except my partner, and I am so lost now.. I try so hard to pick myself up but I just don't know where to go from here.. 

This isn't all of it, just bits a pieces.. But if I were to explain everything I'd be here for days.. 

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[white knight]

Hi Claremary, A warm welcome here

I have always had a sneeking suspicion that some people wth mental illness are bad money managers.  Their anxiety, depression and other ills result in some extreme decisions like being impulsive and anxious.  This was me entirely between the ages of 17 and 35. I'm 58yo now.

Anyone th\\I've known that saves money well is calm and composed with plans, diaries and long term strategies. Anxious people often dont think beyond the next day and if they do, not for years to come.  They save for a week, feel proud to see money in the bank and then....10 minutes of anxiety and they run to the car yard to upgrade to a car they cant afford. Or get that second credit card.

Needless to say I'm the most emotional man I've known.   It has only been the last 3 years that I've settled (apart from the odd relapse) and that has been because of modern medication and the RIGHT medication.Life has never been better but more importantly I never experienced life like this and never realised life is like this.

So, my advice is to start proceedings to check yourself out by seeing your GP and tell him or her EVERYTHING.  You are not functioning 100%. You need to know why.

Take care

[geoff]

dear Clairemary, I love the name because my daughter in law has the first name and I love her, sorry but I welcome you to the site and for posting a comment.

I am pleased that WK has replied already, as his comments are spot on as usual.

What you have said is only a starting point, so the bits you have excluded maybe crucial, but let's try and help you with this first.

It's being very strong of you to have move passed all those incidents, but I hope that they haven't been pushed aside.

Could you please google 'desensitization' as this is a way to help you overcome your anxiety, and please we would to hear back from.

I want to wish you a Happy Birthday. Geoff. x

[Claremary]

Thankyou White Knight, what you said is spot on, however yes I have left out some things. I  have no money because I can't find a job, and I can't find a job because I get too anxious to go talk face to face and hand in resumes. I apply online as much as I can but because it's a small town it's all about. Going in and speaking to them.. The money handling is correct, I get so anxious and also miserable as I have suffered from chronic depression on and off for the same amount of time, that money is just spent on in the moment things, like mcdonalds to for comfort food ect. It sucks ! 

Thanks  Geoff for the birthday wish as I am reading this on my birthday! 🙂 

another thing I missed out was that I have been medicated for over 4 years now, and have just recently been placed on one of the highest dosages yet it still doesn't help much, so I was going to go see my doctor and ask for a different type. However I also hate it that I have to take tablets just to be normal.. I would never give them up but it just sucks, I wish I was just normal.. 

Thankyou so much for your replies, as they do help to know there are people out there to help 

[Neil_1]

Dear Claremary

Again, I’d also like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Your early life had me with tears in my eyes while reading it.  I could not imagine the horrors that you had to endure and you are quite right in saying that it really has scarred you.  It simply couldn’t do anything BUT have such a profound effect on you.

You mentioned that when you moved to a new place, you found the love of your life (at age 15);   and today you’re turning 19yo and you’ve mentioned that you only really like hanging out with your partner.  Would I be correct in assuming that this partner is the same person that you met when you were 15yo?  I guess I’m just asking to see and if so, that would be so awesome.

And while on this kind of subject – I would like to WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.  Wednesday being today and the day of your b’day.  I hope that today is a very special one for you.

Your last para really describes that you are in a low place and things are incredibly tough for you right now.  It is great that you’ve come here to reach out for support;  and we can provide that to you;  and hopeful advice when applicable.  But in your life, I believe you need to seek out your own personal support mechanisms – and I believe your next positive step will be to seek out an appointment with a GP.  And to discuss with them pretty much all that you’ve posted here – and a bit more as well – the more you unload, the better it will be.   In these cases, it’s better to fully unload and to try not to keep things a secret – because this is going to be a healing process.  And things need to be discussed.

I’ll send this on now, but I do hope that you can get back to us with another post – and if you’ve got any questions please let us know and we’ll see how we can best answer them for you.

Kind regards

Neil