How do I handle this?

[dewdev49]

When I hurt my armmy Dad told me to stay in bed for three days. He gave me all my meals in bed and did regular checks to see if I was ok. If I tried to so much as pick up my plate for dinner he would tell me I was straining my arm and I needed to rest. He was so concerned for my injury that he went out of his way until it got better to help me.  

 When I got depression he told me that I need to grow a thicker skin. He watched me curl up in bed and not want to move and told me that I was making everyone else miserable and I needed to be happy. When I showed the smallest notion of being upset he would pull me aside and tell me to smile. It was the most painful thing I've ever had to endure.

    Depression isn't like a hurt arm though, three days of bed rest and nurture won't cure it, it tools ages of hard work and support to fix. The key to being able to get through it is depending on yourself to get better and leaning on those around you, knowing that they understand and they care. I have not doubted my Dad's concern for me and my mental illness, but I know that of all people he, the undiagnosed, mentally ill, unstable, upset Dad of mine should be the shoulder to lean on that I need to get me to the other side of this dark journey. But where is he when I need him? He is sitting right opposite me starring angrily at me telling me I need to grow up and smile.

    I wonder if he would even care if I told him that one of the reasons I was so sad was because of him....

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[white knight]

Hi dewdew49,  thanks for posting and risking being detected posting by your dad.

Struth!! I feel for you. I dont know how old you are but judging by your excellent ability in expression and writing I'd say mid to late teens.

I have to be blunt here as there is no other way to say it. your dad is so wrong on all counts. We, those with mental illness struggle with others that give common advice like "snap out of it" etc. People, friends, work colleagues that miraculously can give psychiatric advice that qualified workers take more than 12 years to be qualified for.

You dad is or at least seems to be- paranoid and could be carrying an illness of some kind. You would be battling to get him treated because he is in denial and he is your dad. Tough call.  

Depending on your age I would consider moving out. Independence is the fast track to breaking those apron strings he holds so tight.

The final alternative is to ask him to accompany you to a GP. Talk openly at the doctors about correct treatment and he cannot go against doctors orders. But this idea might backfire as your dad is a law unto himself when it comes to his medical matron like actions.

I hope you overcome this and we are here to help and listen.   

[Jacko777]

I am glad you are talking about this dewdev49. On this site you will get support and advice from people that care and understand what you are going through.

You have had a hard time and you know what it takes to address depression. Unlike your Dad, from what you say he does not know what it takes. (Thank goodness you broke the cycle) So we could peel back the layers and find the causes of your father's issues, I guess his own life events, his upbringing, the era, have brought him to where he is. 

My concern however is for you. I think you can get plenty of help from other people to 'get you to the other side'. You have set this in motion and you will get plenty of help here. "Grow up and smile' is not the intelligent discussion about mental health you need right now. If your Dad is not prepared to walk in your shoes you may have to take this journey because of him, not with him. Lots of people here have experienced what you are going through, it is sad, and it would also be sad if you do not go on your journey because you are waiting for your Dad. I will be right here if you want to share your journey.

It helped me some times, when my Dad was alive, to remember that yes, he is my Dad but he is also a man, faced with his own challenges that I cannot understand, brought up in an era that I can't imagine, I have pretty much no idea what thoughts he is having. You are not responsible for your Dad's actions and his actions are a reflection of him, not you.

Do you live with your Dad? Hang in there mate, this can get better.

[geoff]

dear Dewdev, thank you for being brave with trying to seek help.

Unfortunately this is common, but what this does is damaging and it's a way for him to try and obliterate what is making you depressed, because basically he wants to control you, which is not on the agenda.

When I first began my trip of depression my Dad who was a GP didn't believe that I had depression and it was only a brother who is 2 years older and had a good relationship convinced him that I was in a serious condition, that he started to believe me.

I understand that you want to tell him that he is the major cause, but what worries me is that he may become physical, hopefully that's not in his nature.

He won't pay any attention to what you have to say, which means that you need either a very strong family member to jump on board, a counsellor from school if you are still there, or perhaps a doctor as WK has suggested which would ideally be the best option.

Do you have anywhere else to stay, because I am concerned about any back lash from him, but again this depends on how you think he will take it.

Please we would like for you to keep replying to us. Geoff.

[dewdev49]

Thank you for replying to me, White Knight, 

I am in my mid teens and I do have many support systems outside of school such as counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists but sometimes i just want him, the man who raised me and i see every day, to understand how i am feeling. 

thank you for your kind words of support. 

[dewdev49]

Thank you, Jacko777,

Yes I do live with my Dad and will continue to until I am 18 then I will be leaving as soon as possible, not because i dont love my family but i feel suffocated in an enviroment where people dont see me properly. 

My journey is a long one that started when I was 7 and is still getting worse now with the stress of school, teenagers in general and my home life. 

[dewdev49]

Thank you, Geoff, 

My Dad is never and will never harm me in a physical way but he is short tempered and could become very cross if i confronted him. Sometimes I want to, I plan out things i want to say but I can never find the courage to say it. 

[Jacko777]

Hi dewdev49,

If you keep love in your heart you will find extra courage to say what you need to say. You cannot have fear and love in your heart at the same time, however it can take much practice to respond to life with love in your heart. So it is a journey rather than a destination. 

So just before you start talking to him, spend some time thinking of all the good things about him, the things you really love, find a place of gratitude in your heart, be thankful for him and your entire life as it is right now, then, start slowly with him, start with the smaller things, see how receptive he is and go from there. Talk to him because you love him and you want to make things better, not because you are angry about the way he treats you.

If you are angry at your Dad when you try and talk to him I imagine he would be less receptive. Try loving him instead and see if he becomes more receptive. Keep trying, hopefully you can find a way to improve your relationship with your Dad.

Keep us posted.