sometimes I wish I had a physical illness instead of depression.

[jessy9847]

Ive been suffering with depression for over 5 years, im only 17. I know this might sound stupid to some people, but sometimes I wish I had a physical illness instead of depression. Scientists are coming up with new treatments everyday, but nobody can make this depression go away; no amount of counseling or medication can make me feel any better. Nobody judges someone with a physical illness, but there are so many people judging those who really have depression. The stigma, and stereotypes of depression are probably the hardest things to deal with. I dont know why I feel like this and when people tell me to just cheer up, or when people think your acting depressed for attention it makes me feel even worse. Sometimes I think if I had a physical illness I would be able to cope better than im coping now. I just dont know what to do! Im so depressed and I dont think I will ever get through this. 

[Beltane]

What makes you think that "no amount of counselling or medication will make this go away"? You're 17. Have you tried every type of therapy? Have you tried every type of medication? Sorry if that sounded a little "blunt" but.. ok hang on, heres a bit about me.

I got depressed prob about the age of 14-16. I didnt even get proper treatment until i was 24. Sure i saw a couple of counsellors but nothing made it that much better. most of the time i didnt even bother, i just thought i was stuck with it and that was the way it was. The thing about depression is THATS WHAT IT WANTS YOU TO THINK. Think of you depression as a seperate entity to yourself- it tells you all these horrible things. It told me i would never get better, that life wasnt worth living, that i was worthless. I lived like that from 14ish until 24 when i had a total and complete nervous breakdown and started planning my suicide.

Thats when a family member took me to get help and its when i finally accepted help. Then it took me ANOTHER 3 years to really fully totally get on top of it. In that time i tried 7 different antidepressants, EVERY SINGLE ONE made me vomit, have migraines, stop sleeping, stop eating , and completely send me loopy mentally- i'd either get completely suicidally depressed or i'd get really agitated and restless and want to do stupid reckless stuff. It was BRUTAL.

Oh and i went through about 4-5 different psychologists too, and god knows how many doctors. I got to a point, roughly about a year ago now where i truly and utterly believed there was no hope for me. I'd really honestly tried, i'd tried all those different medications, i'd done everything the psychologists told me to do, practised all the techniques... Nothing was helping... I really honestly thought my life was over, because i was "stuck".

A psychologist told me i had "the worst case of anxiety she'd ever seen". My depression was brutal. I lived like that for what, 10ish years before another psychologist figured out the problem. I didnt have depression. I had bipolar, type 2 to be exact. Some of the anxiety stuff was actually hypomania and mixed states. I got on to a bipolar drug and within a week my depression was finally lifting, i couldnt believe it.

Its been a year, my depression and anxiety has GONE completely, i'm happy, calm, well, stable, employed, have a great boyfriend, great hobbies, cool friends. Happy happy happy. Just needed the RIGHT medication!!!

If i can get better, you can too, please keep trying!!!!

[white knight]

Hi Jessy,

Beltane is spot on. And we here are the ones that have been there many times and got through it out the other end to survive all depression can throw at us. Then we look at people like you and have this desire to reach out so we can be like a rudder, to steer you at least in the right direction.

Accept that 80% of people will never "get it" with mental illness. This is fact and your work is to accept this and not keep trying to get those people to "get it" . let it go. But it is darn frustrating.

This poem of mine might make some sense.

LEGS OF SPOKE

 How can I let them know?

when to dark exceeds the glow

when the sun hides behind the clouds

silence they hear- but I scream so loud.  

Some stand beside a 6 foot hole

shake their heads and see its toll

they ask how he could have dropped

out of the circle- a forget me knot  

Yet they seem to see clear and there is hope

when they sight a person with legs of spoke

A cripple girl pushing her chair

A man be manic- there's no one there  

"Storm in a tea cup" hurts so bad

like the cyber crow who remains so glad

keeps flying and in full flight

Carves his craft in the middle of the night

For some in power see it their way

even at the side of a 6 foot grave

shake their head and call out "why"

"Why on earth- he didnt have to die"

So kind some be- they reach out so true

smile then say "we want to meet you"

"bring along your vintage car and your smile

but leave at home whats behind your dial"...

So we laugh and dine and all is ok

leave at home come what may

if I be saddled with legs of spoke

they'd lift me around- bloody good bloke  

But as my mind hurts so bad

cannot hide my feelings- mad?

Cant maintain "bloody good bloke"

Sometimes I wished...I had legs of spoke.....

Tony WK