My fight against anxiety keeping positive

[Lucyelyse]

Here I sit after 23 years, situated at the base of the kitchen sink, a faint sensation of the cold hard wood floor pressed firmly under my body; my head heavily resting upon the cabinetry staring blankly at the white ceiling, a steady stream of silky tears rolling down my cheeks as soapy water pools on the floor beside me. I never thought that washing the dishes would lead me to this point, my human casing held together like a shattered windscreen, completely disjointed.

Sharing just a glimpse of a short life. Ive lost a friend to suicide, 2 family members suicidal, my best friend attempting her life 3 years go to which I almost lost my job to be there for her. 3mnths of visiting the mental health hospital. 4 different houses in the last year, none I could call home. 1 living in chains, losing everyone over ending a toxic relationship resulting in anxiety; stopped going out fearing the past and those who threatened my existence and diet pills. Next was meant to be a new beginning leaving hardship behind, a fresh start, a new job, new location. Instead, sexual and verbal harassment, added loss of faith in human kind. Another complete isolation,
found my love for art again, financially things were tough, shamefully asking my new boss for money to afford my rent. little
time working 6 days a wk, studying full-time via distance; I was on the mend.Over 12mnths I lost 6 people 3 of them in 2 mnths 2 diagnosed with cancer another in and out of hospital. He sees me struggling offering reassurance
simple words help my fight but make me crumble knowing the
substantial pressure on him and us. I have a minimal support network in a clicky suburb. Trying make friends challenging myself. Yet I find myself six months having made no progress. I am still that support beam, that person who is easy to talk to, the one for advice but never anything more or anything further.

Here I sit 4 hours later, situated at the base of the kitchen sink, If I gave up I would not have meet my partner who has fought
every step with me, helping me bring me to life. I love my life, the negative and positive experiences for without them I would not be the person I am today, I would not have the strength and the motivation to keep my fight up against my anxiety, dragging myself out of bed knowing someone might need a person to simply ask them 'are you okay?'. I close my eyes take a deep breath and whisper to
myself ‘it is time to get up and continue through what will be a magnificent day’.

[Starwolf]

Good morning Lucyelyse,

As someone who has mostly been living outside the commonly accepted norm, I too have been /still am at the receiving end of a lot of judgment. When you are outside the square, you represent the unknown, a whole set of different possibilities which people are usually terrified of considering. Judging often belittles others in order to make oneself feel in control. If someone is deemed to be "wrong", then it follows that whoever passes judgment must of course be "right". Judgment saves questioning...which few people are prepared to do. People judge because they're insecure. And they do so from their own perspective which can be far removed from our own.

I agree with Mark. Thankfully, I have come to the conclusion years ago that what people think of me is none of my business. Ultimately, being able to live with who/what we are is what matters...not other people's interpretation of it. We humans are mostly social creatures so being ostracized can feel very lonesome. It then becomes a matter of trading quantity for quality...sticking with those who speak and understand the same language.

Another way to look at it is that the majority isn't necessarily right. If it was, wouldn't this troubled world be a better place ? A dysfunctional world cannot be changed. Our sphere of influence is limited to ourselves and those directly around us.

Well done for being yourself, not what others expect you to be. Considering the unsafe direction where the general public is aiming, there's nothing wrong with being a stray.