My fight against anxiety keeping positive

[Lucyelyse]

Here I sit after 23 years, situated at the base of the kitchen sink, a faint sensation of the cold hard wood floor pressed firmly under my body; my head heavily resting upon the cabinetry staring blankly at the white ceiling, a steady stream of silky tears rolling down my cheeks as soapy water pools on the floor beside me. I never thought that washing the dishes would lead me to this point, my human casing held together like a shattered windscreen, completely disjointed.

Sharing just a glimpse of a short life. Ive lost a friend to suicide, 2 family members suicidal, my best friend attempting her life 3 years go to which I almost lost my job to be there for her. 3mnths of visiting the mental health hospital. 4 different houses in the last year, none I could call home. 1 living in chains, losing everyone over ending a toxic relationship resulting in anxiety; stopped going out fearing the past and those who threatened my existence and diet pills. Next was meant to be a new beginning leaving hardship behind, a fresh start, a new job, new location. Instead, sexual and verbal harassment, added loss of faith in human kind. Another complete isolation,
found my love for art again, financially things were tough, shamefully asking my new boss for money to afford my rent. little
time working 6 days a wk, studying full-time via distance; I was on the mend.Over 12mnths I lost 6 people 3 of them in 2 mnths 2 diagnosed with cancer another in and out of hospital. He sees me struggling offering reassurance
simple words help my fight but make me crumble knowing the
substantial pressure on him and us. I have a minimal support network in a clicky suburb. Trying make friends challenging myself. Yet I find myself six months having made no progress. I am still that support beam, that person who is easy to talk to, the one for advice but never anything more or anything further.

Here I sit 4 hours later, situated at the base of the kitchen sink, If I gave up I would not have meet my partner who has fought
every step with me, helping me bring me to life. I love my life, the negative and positive experiences for without them I would not be the person I am today, I would not have the strength and the motivation to keep my fight up against my anxiety, dragging myself out of bed knowing someone might need a person to simply ask them 'are you okay?'. I close my eyes take a deep breath and whisper to
myself ‘it is time to get up and continue through what will be a magnificent day’.

[MarkJT]

Lucyelyse, first off welcome to the forums and can read by your post that you bring a wealth of experience in mental health conditions and have been touched by suicide as well. The thing that has stuck out the most to be is that even after sitting there on the floor feeling all of that, you sign off with saying it will be a magnificent day. That is brilliant.

I am a huge believer that being positive or finding a positive when we are surrounded by negatives is essential to recovery and continual good mental health. I can see how much you care about other people and that is so admiral.

Are you being treated for your anxiety? On meds? Seeing a psych?

Mark.

[Starwolf]

Hi Lucyelyse, good to meet you.

What a brave, resilient soul you are...you have been through a lot while still being there for others and it has taken its toll. My heart goes out to you.

I agree with Mark that searching for whatever positives and beauty Life has to offer is no easy challenge. Often, the struggling mind sees little but itself. But here you are, courageously picking yourself off the floor, wiping the tears to face another day. I hear your pain and applaud your inner strength.

It is good to know you have a supportive partner. But I echo Mark's concern...are your own needs taken care of, do you have professional assistance or counseling, someone "neutral" you can talk to ? A sense of compassion for others can easily compel us to leave our own emotional well-being on the back burner. If forgotten there too long, burn out can easily set in.

I too live in an isolated, clicky area where narrow-mindedness prevails. I have found volunteering is a good way to meet compassionate people who are usually more understanding and tolerant of differences. Whatever it takes, I hope you can make time to nurture yourself. You sure deserve it !

Kudos to you for coming on board. It is a safe place to connect and let steam off. Rest assured you will be heard and that your contribution is much appreciated.

Kindest thoughts.

[Lucyelyse]

Hi Mark and Starwolf,
I would like to thank you for the kind words that both of you have displayed; and my sincerest
apologies for my delay in my reply as I was not notified of these responses.
Although my life gets tough I like to focus on the beauty of the little things.
They have become my sense of life support, as I have grown to accept from a
young age that my purpose here (earth) was to make a positive impact on the
lives around me to show people that we do not need to be cruel as the world
turns more and more selfish as the years go by. I guess I see the world from different eyes
(which I am always told) and the way I see solutions ‘won’t work’ because ‘that’s
just not how the world works’. To answer your concerns I have seemed help
through when I was the guardian of a friends spoken about previously. But
everyone I spoke to told me that they couldn't help as I was already doing the
things that they would suggest and that they admired me for it. I do not take
medication, my body can barely handle 2 panadol without knocking me out for
6hours. I plod along, through the rollercoaster of life, telling myself
that everyday is a new day and that I can make it better in someway until I
make the world try to see that there is another way to live other than
selfishly, to extend a hand and go above and beyond for anyone even a stranger.
Yes I get knocked down and told I’m stupid for always trying to help. But it is
my belief that every day is beautiful if we take a step back and look from the
outside in.

[MarkJT]

Lucy, yes the world can be a nasty place with some ordinary people in it but it is up to you how you place yourself in this world. I am very much like you and find the silver lining to every situation that i am involved in and to also try and change others lives for the better.

You can only control the controllable's so don't worry about matters that are outside of your control.

Keep that positivity going!!

Mark

[Starwolf]

Thank you for sharing your positive outlook.

I agree that we cannot change the past, the curves Life throws at us or the strange ways of the human world. But we can change our perspective...which in turn changes everything. We all have a limited sphere of influence we can act within.

Medication is not for everybody. I too went med free. Even the thought of swallowing a Panadol makes me gag !

When/if things threaten to become overwhelming, please keep in mind that there's no need to suffer in silence. We are here to listen and connect.

[Lucyelyse]

Thank you Mark and Starwolf, you both have made a large impact with your kind words and support towards myself; a stranger. I appreciate you both taking the time to read and respond it has helped strengthen the notion that I do not have to suffer in silence and that there are others out there ready to lend an ear (in this case sight). There are definitely matters that will always be out of control and unfortunately we are creatures of patterns and when things are out of control it tends to generate overwhelming feelings as we try to control what we cannot which occasionally leads to feelings of failure and worthlessness when in reality we are judging ourselves as fish trying to climb trees rather than taking a step back in the moment to view it from the outside looking in. I guess that is the hard part as, as much as we try we do not always succeed in attempting to perceive it from such an outlook when we are in the moment, but later when reviewing we realise. I guess that's how we learn from our past, so if we ever encounter a similar event we will be that little bit better at coping with it.

[MarkJT]

Lucyelyse, your words, "we are creatures of patterns", yes no argument there but there is no reason why you have to be like that. (Saying this nicely) - what is stopping you not doing what everyone does? Where is the rule book that says you have to act a certain way? Think a certain way?

What I am getting at is that you and you alone control your own destiny. There is nothing to say that the next time you wig out that you don't just stop and bust into some good old school dance moves, or punch out 20 pushups there and then....yes it would be somewhat strange but the people who would laugh and have a go at you would only do it because they wish that they could do it.

You write your own story and do what you want to do - legally of course!

I wear ugg boots, old tracky dacks and a hoodie to the supermarket at times. I am comfortable and that is all that matters to me, if someone at the supermarkets scoffs at me, that is not my issue, that is theirs.

The feelings of worthlessness when you cannot control overwhelming feelings, you can replace that with the thought that your skills are not quite up to scratch at the moment.

For example, I know i can control an anxiety attack up to a certain point, say a category 3 attack, however, I had an attack on a plane over Christmas time and I knew this was a cat 4 or 5 attack and I know that i cannot control that as do not have the skills. I decided to medicate and when i woke up some four hours later, the attack was gone and i had zero feelings of failure. It is about recognising what you can and cannot do and if you cannot do it yet, no probs - something to work towards.

If you adopt this approach and your massive positivity, I can see those feelings of failure being no more.

Mark.

[Lucyelyse]

Hi Mark, I did not clarify very well what I meant by creatures of patterns. In relation to that I meant it as a very loose generalisation that when something is beyond our control and it is obvious we cannot control it, it therefore can cause feelings of discomfort if we dislike it. I know what I am trying to say in my head but I am struggling to put it to words, sorry if it is not making any sense. I am a very strong believer in writing our own stories and creating our own journeys. I also agree with an absence of a rulebook, viewing that social structures and the influence of ageism (of course a few other motivating factors) encourage/impact particular beliefs and feelings regarding our behavior/attitudes all part of the social constructed and notion of ‘socially acceptable behavior to be accepted’. I am very far from a person that follows, for example, I do not wear makeup very often even though I ‘should’, for my age group I do not party instead I am saving to buy a house with the prospect of hopefully settling down in the next few years. I guess in my round about obscure puzzled mind my point is, why do we have to judge one another? Why is it that for being ourselves that people feel it is ok to scoff at, scold or display other negative emotions/behaviours to another? It does not have to be this way I cannot understand this aspect of life and I cannot accept the ‘just because that’s the way the world is’ answer, this is where I am told I am a fool, naïve and immature. I replace overwhelming feelings only to be judged by others, it is more of a ‘door in the face’ with more verbal slander (e.g. your weird). I am not weird I just stray away from the socially constructed view in particular within my age group, differing slightly from the norm. For instance the reactions I have received when others have found out I do not have facebook is like I have committed the ultimate offense. Maybe it is not failure that I am having troubles with but the exhaustion from the continual upstream battle to try and show others that there just might be another way for somethings. Thank you for sharing your experience and I will take your suggestions aboard for future references, I have only occasionally experienced an uncontrollable anxiety attack so I can only begin to imagine what you went through on the plane, I am glad to here that it ended positively.

[MarkJT]

Lucyelyse, i certainly know what it is like to know what you are saying in your head but can't explain it!! All good.

Awesome to hear that you walk to the beat of your own drum. Love it when people do that.

Well done for having the aim of buying a house instead of being out partying - very admirable that.

It is most definitely not a failure and I do know what you mean by the continual tiredness from battling the attacks, it enormously draining on your brain juice (mental energy).

Keep taking on those attacks and keep practising your grounding and coping skills. They will get better each time.

Mark.