My Anxiety and Bipolar are Literally Ruining my Life

[Keepdreaming]

So lately I've noticed that my anxiety and bipolar have been getting worse and I've talked to mum about a few things regarding it, but I'm reluctant to tell here everything because I have trouble opening up to people, even my own family.

So anyway, the rate that my anxiety is at right now is making me on edge 24/7. Along with my anxiety, my bipolar is stopping me from doing almost everything. I used to love being around my friends and constantly texting them, but now I isolate myself. I've told my mum it's because I'm lazy, or I hate people, but it's actually because I've started becoming really nervous around people. I've started having anxiety attacks (without hyperventillation) and so on.

In the mornings I will lay there awake, but I'm trapped in a spiral of thoughts (all negative) and I don't actually realise it. Once again, I tell my mum that I just can't be bothered to get up or whatever, but it's actually because I'm having depressive thoughts or existential crisis that I'm unaware I'm even having until I snap out of them (which can take up to an hour). This happens at night too. My mum believes that I am just on my phone for too long, but the reason I can't sleep at night is because of all the negative thoughts. I lay there awake for hours, but out of it, if you know what I mean. I will stay awake until 5am in the morning due to these existential crisis and extra negative thoughts, and there isn't anything I can do about it, I've tried. 

Another one, and also one of the biggest problems, is I've started not going to school. This isn't because I hate school so much, even though that's what I tell mum, it's because of my social anxiety, mixed with the intense fear that my bipolar is going to make me do something crazy (due to a manic episode) and that the pressure of all my school work is going to push me over the edge (like it has done before).

These escalating problems are making it practically impossible for me to function properly. I've gone from constantly being around people and outside, to locking myself in my room 24/7. My social life has been eliminated. The remaining of my confidence and self esteem has magically disappeared, and I constantly feel worthless and hopeless.

I, for some strange reason, don't feel comfortable with telling my mum the real reasons behind my actions, and so that's why I have come here. I'm desperate for someone, anyone, to help me, but I don't have the confidence to ask.

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums KD, I am glad you are talking about this and I am sorry to hear how you are feeling. You could really use some good advice and support right now, all these issues you have mentioned can be treated and you will make a recovery. 

I think the key is to make some small steps each day, if we do the same thing every day we can't expect a different result right? So your small step today could be to work out where you will seek some assistance with your mental health, you could start by ringing Beyond Blue, it's free, or if you get to school could you see your counsellor? You haven't mentioned your age or gender but I am guessing you are having lots of changes with hormones in your body and you have pressure with your school workload. You can find fresh ways to manage the contributing factors in your life, you can practice them and it will become natural again to be happy and calm.

Rather than trying to oust negative thoughts I find it much more doable to replace them with positive thoughts. Some times I have to push really hard to focus on a positive, I have to increase my efforts to match the challenge. Many things have helped me in the past, like music, meditation has helped me big time, think of all your senses and see what suits you, perhaps you could burn some essential oils, some are relaxing, some are invigorating, art or craft, have a small victory every day that brings you happiness and satisfaction.

The best thing I can do now for my anxiety is a breathing exercise/meditation. To start I would get comfy, lying down, 4 seconds in, 4 seconds out, not too deep, I count in my mind and on the out breath I say to my self  r e l a x, I feel for tension in my muscles and let it go on the out breath. I stay focused on the counting, if a thought comes to mind, which it will, I raise my awareness and let the thought float away as a cloud in the blue sky. Ten breaths like that and I feel far more relaxed, keep going till you do. With practice this meditation has helped me to regain my focus quickly, this breath is mine and I can focus on it any time.

So when you become aware you are in this spiral of thoughts, what positive thoughts or actions can you replace them with...time for a positive spiral...you can do it mate. And perhaps another small victory for today, ring your best mate, see how they are going, don't think, just dial the number. Make a daily list of your planned positive actions, then cross them off. Stay in touchx