much needed boy advice

[igo]

Hi. I'm a 17 year old girl from Melbourne. I have only ever been in two serious relationships with guys before. My first was for around 4 months. This relationship was kinda bleh, only really hanging out at school or at school parties, and he was also known to be pretty popular with the women. So it was no surprise to me when i found out he'd been seeing someone else. It took me 6 months and another gorgeous boy to walk into my life for me to finally move on. And obviously, this boy was my next. So as you can imagine I had some pretty reasonable trust issues, and my now gorgeous ex (we were together 7 months), had had an ex girlfriend that he'd been with previously for a very long time (about one and a half years). I obviously had my concerns with her (due to the whole trust issues) but was never the type to stop him from being friends with her. But as of recently, i have found out that he had been sleeping with her behind my back. I am now at the point where i have no idea to do, i've broken up with him but am still so in love and just completely heart broken. I'm a mess to the point where i'm now failing SACs at school (i'm in year 12 so this year is super important). i've never felt like this before, does anyone have any tips on how I can cope. He's all i ever think about and I just want to go back to what we had )): thats all i'd ever wish for. Thanks guys x

[stormcloudz]

Aww, that's really hard igo. I just wanted to say welcome to the forum. I'm confused by relationships too, so I will leave advice to wiser people, but I just wanted to say hello, and let you know that time does help in my experience.

[Quercus]

Hi Igo and welcome to the forums,

Stormcloudz may have said someone wiser will reply but that's not me ok. I just wanted to reply to try boost you up a little.

First loves are crap. In my experience I think you fall right in without the crappy life experiences to know when to guard your heart.

This is one of those times ok. This boy, even of he looks stunning he's not gorgeous he's a douche. Would you ever do that to a partner? I doubt it. So why shouldn't you demand the same respect?

It is crap to lose the excitement of being in love. Missing the companionship of someone you really enjoyed being with. But is this relationship really worth wanting?

He wasn't who you thought he was. Yes it bloody hurts. But do you really want to mess up your studies over a boy who gave you potentially a good reason to go have an STI checkup instead of love and respect? (No judgement by the way I think everyone has been lied to at some point).

Now what can you do to support yourself? Have you got some trusted girlfriends to talk to?people you can ask to keep you busy?

Even if you don't want to go into detail you could talk to your family or a school counsellor about your studies and ask for some help keeping up until you feel a little better.

Like Stormcloudz said time will help. It feels cliche and yes we have all been there thinking this hurt is all consuming. But it will fade in time ok. The hurt at his betrayal will still be there but in time it won't consume you.

In the meantime keep busy and ask for help and support. Block him from social media (you don't need the crappy reminders when you're vulnerable). Keep writing here if it helps you.

But please do ask for support offline especially with your studies. You deserved better from him and I hate to think of him messing with your studies too.

Nat

[White_Rose]

Hello Igo

Welcome to beyondblue. There many people here who can relate to your story and I hope someone will post to you. Quercus has many valuable points for you. First loves are always the hardest. I am a grandma now and still remember my first love. I hope that doesn't put you off. I can still relate to your feelings. My first long term love lasted about two years before we separated and it took me a long time to recover. I still dated other boys because I did not want him to know how much I hurt. The stupid part is I found out years later that he still cared for me, but too late.

You are probably asking how this helps you. It's important to know you can live your life well no matter how upset you feel about the loss of what is clearly an unfeeling, inconsiderate and untrustworthy excuse for a BF. You deserve better than that.

It doesn't matter who broke the relationship. All that matters is that you are well rid of him. I wonder if the hurt and shock you feel is more related to feeling used and abused, because this is what he has done. You want him to say he is sorry and will never do this again. It will not happen. He has shown his true colours and you are well rid of him.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh and uncaring. It most definitely is not meant in that way. Try and look at your feelings objectively. Yes that's hard but have a go. What is it that most upsets you? He cheated, he did not care about you, you feel silly about it, you are alone, you need someone, you became used to him. I'm sure there are other feelings. Remind yourself how attractive you are and intelligent. How your standards are better than his. Most importantly you do not need him. You are well able to live without him and strong enough to carry on with your life, including exams.

Go out with your friends and at least pretend to be happy. It's amazing how pretending to be happy actually ends up with being happy. Do all the fun things you want, preferably without ignoring your studies, and discover your strength to stand up and be the best person you can be.

My dear, do not be too dismayed.You will find the love of your life and will wonder how you could ever have been attracted to this boy.

I said I was a grandma and this has turned out to be the most grandma-ish post I have written. Look after yourself.

Mary

[Cokeaholic]

Hey Igo, thought I'd share my two cents on this. Although I may not relate from a relationship standpoint as I'm still in my first relationship, I've been through similarly toxic and dated friendships.

I do agree with stormcloudz that time will be your best friend in this case; the time you would've spent with your ex is now free for you to do whatever you desire with it. Will it matter in three days? Three weeks? Three months? I find distracting yourself with that allocated time helps a lot in getting those thoughts out of your head, or even using that time to catch up on your studies. Give yourself it, you'll need it.

The main point is, it's happened, what shall remain the past will remain there and the only direction you can move is forward. Accepting the harshness that is reality is an incredibly hard thing to muster, but makes you realise that you can do so much more afterwards. Think about the entire relationship rationally; you broke up over a reason, right? Is it still worth it to pursue it, especially now that you're aware of what happened?

It may not replace the same feeling when you were initially still in that relationship, but definitely talk it out with a friend; the fear of things you'd normally fear in a relationship won't be there if you talked to a friend.

I'd say more but I'd be repeating everyone else's points. Please do give yourself the time to feel your emotions (personally I wouldn't recommend dating after a month from your breakup) and once you're ready, try again. Hope my advice wasn't too brutal haha.

[MalaikaG]

Hi!

What is love for you? Some people think it's the looks others think its personality. If you ask me its so much more. Its the safe feeling, knowing this person is all yours, The calmness and happiness.

If the person isn't all yours then you were never all theirs. Therefore he is not the one for you.

Right now you need somethingto do in order to ignore him. So focus on studying, put your attention there. It will not only keep you distracted it will also do you good.

Please do not ruin your future for someone who has left. Instead, work hard and show him what he has left!