Relationship - He’s closed off

[Young-girl]

Hi,

I am 20 years old and I am in a relationship with a guy. We have been seeing each other for almost 8 months now and it’s been a struggle. Lately I have felt immense anxiety from feeling so closed off from him. I really really like this guy and he’s very closed off. He’s not happy with himself and his life and won’t open up to anyone about it. He told me he really likes me and that he wants us to still be together but he cannot deal with the commitment labels of boyfriend and girlfriend, and he wants to focus on his happiness. I am fully supportive of this but I feel like I have tread very lightly around him and I might say something and he will just quit and leave me. I constantly think about this and it sends me into a panic, my breathing increases and I feel nauseous and want to scream and cry. I don’t know how to handle this and I don’t want to leave him. Help.

[Croix]

Dear Young-girl~

Welcome here to the forum. I can understand how you feel and also the big step it must have been to write a post here.

I'm afraid I don't have no quick fix for your troubles as it basically boils down to the fact your relationship seems one-sided. I don't know about you but for me if I form a close relationship with someone I want it to be long-term. For that to happen it has to be between equals. I don't mean both have to be the same, but both do have to want to look after the other person, trust them, make them happy, be there for them when they need - and all the reverse as well.

Walking on eggshells so as not to upset the other person is not something anyone can do over an extended period. Really your reactions are very understandable. If your friend is always closed off from you, doesn't want the commitment of being your boyfriend and wishes to concentrate on his happiness then something has to change if you are to remain together.

If he is depressed or has some other illness then it is up to him to seek help. It is his responsibility. If he is not ill then he is letting you down by encouraging you without consideration.

I would suggest you have a serious talk with your friend, say how much you are being affected, and see if you can work out some sort of plan to improve things, it is his responsibility as much as yours after all.

Croix

[Oscar_]

I'm 18 - relate to this.

However, I'm afraid to tell, in this case the girl, how much and why her being closed off effects me. We've been good friends for 6months and only recently developed & admitted feelings for each other, she doesn't want anything atm though cause she's still in yr12. We still flirt and express affection for one another, with intentions to likely date down the track, but physically have not gone any further than friendship. She's quite an emotionally closed off person and, although I have faith in her opening up more in the future when she's ready for a relationship (she's has even admitted to keeping some emotions suppressed due to her position on relationships atm), her being closed off often still triggers depression and anxiety. I almost, as much as I hate to say it, need constant reassurance of someone's care for me either through word's or actions or I begin to stress and doubt.

So, I don't feel like I can tell her how much I am emotionally effected, and why to it's complete details (dep, anxi, ocd) because I fear it would only push her away - it's too early. I'd also feel so guilty, like I was forcing her to date me for fear of making me depressed and that's by no means what i want to do. I want her to make her own choices based upon her own feelings.

So for now I sit in limbo, some days feeling sososooo down about it and other days they're there and thus I can just be content in their company.

I also feel like a complete idiot in talking to my psych about girls or anything, especially in detail, so hence I never have.

[Young-girl]

Thank you for your reply.

He is seeking professional help for his problems and has been off and on for years which is good. My head is telling me I should move and not try and go any further but my heart won’t let me. Some days are great and we have the best time but then there are the bad times and I just want some sort of way to either help me cope mentally or to express to him that I’m here for him and try and get him to open up to me.

I know I cannot force anything from him and at the end of the day but it’s just hard

[Young-girl]

I constantly feel like anything I do or maybe say will push him away and that terrifies me because I’m falling for this guy and I know he is too, he just doesn’t want to open himself up and that’s so hard. I know I should move on in my head but I just can’t leave.

[Croix]

Dear Young-girl~

You said I constantly feel like anything I do or maybe say will push him away which is very understandable under the circumstances, however it is no way to be. You need and deserve someone who you have confidence will be there for you permanent, someone you trust and can feel good with. I"m not saying a relationship noes not have ups and downs, but in this one the fear of being left seems permanent.

That feeling is bad for both of you. You feel powerless and vulnerable, he probably feels frustrated and guilty. I think that the bottom line is that if someone cares they will try, even if it is uncomfortable. Are you sure your boyfriend understands exactly what is happening?

Croix

[MalaikaG]

Hi! I think the question you need to ask yourself is that are you staying because you feel responsible or sorry for him?

Is this actually worth the anxiety, fear and everything if he leaves you in the end?