Might have depression, in need of advice

[Evlina]

Hello everyone, a close friend of mine has suggested that I might have depression from what I've confided in the past. I'm hoping by posting here I might get opinions from people who are more familiar with this issue.

I've had a pretty sheltered life, and coming from a family of Asian background, education and grades were considered highly important. This didn't change when I was in high school, where I was only allowed to go to school and head home straight after. Thankfully, there was less bullying compared to primary school and I did make a few close friends so it was bearable. Somewhere along the line though, I felt like I burnt out from all the studying forced upon me. My grades started slipping, and having parents that only saw me for my grades, I was only a number to them and I hid my reports from my parents so that they wouldn't hit me. In the past when I was young I showed them a report card from the tuition centre that I went to that said I only recieved 80% for their mathematics course and I got called useless, lazy and good for nothing on top of getting spanked pretty hard. That time they did not ask if I was having any troubles with my life, and they pinned it down to my own laziness and left it at that.

Towards the end of high school, I started skipping classes because I couldn't bear to go to them. I started spending most of my time at home playing computer games so I could forget about how crap my life has become. I would spend at least 10 hours a day playing them, and let my parents think I was studying. I only managed to get 83.5 for my WAM, and when my parents found out all hell broke loose. When I confronted my parents about how unhappy I was with their obsession with grades, they told me that my happiness didn't matter a single bit to them.

Now I'm at university failing a degree that I didn't want to do in the first place, and no references because of my social ineptness. I desperately want to get a job to be able to support myself and move out but I have almost no experience and no references. I feel stuck because I can't find a job and university feels very difficult for me to finish at this point. I've tried killing myself but everytime it was too painful and I couldn't follow through, so I'm stuck living in a toxic household. All I've ever wanted to do since year 8 was to die.

Can the counsellor at university diagnose depression? Is there a way out of this mess?

Thanks for reading this, I know it was a wall of text,
Evlina

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[CrashCoyote]

Hi Evlina, (what a beautiful name)

I am a 51yo dad with five kids, three daughters, Australian born/bred. I suffer depression and anxiety.

Your story is very sad and common. There are big cultural issues at play here and it wouldn't really matter if you are Asian, Mediterranean, Northern European or whatever. Like many children growing up in Australia, your parents are imposing cultural beliefs that are starkly different.

They think they know what is best for you and value education very highly. In some parts of the world many children get no education, or food, or love and so on. I am not defending them, I am just saying why I think you are in this situation.

It is so sad (to my cultural beliefs) that you have been miserable growing up in your teens and that you have contemplated suicide. I think it is safe to say there is a very real chance you are suffering depression.

My advice to you is to explain some options that involve you deciding what you want for yourself. You can consider them, or do nothing. It must be your decision.

You can go and see a local GP and discuss this situation with him/her. The GP will ask you to do a written test that will help him/her assess whether you may be suffering depression, anxiety or whatever. Medicare provides for ten visits to a psychologist at no cost to you if your GP thinks you qualify. You can then get some professional advice on your condition and options for treatment, which may simply include behavioural changes. For example, walking regularly. Your GP will keep your confidence.

You can contact a Women's Refuge in your area to see if they can provide short term housing for you until you can decide if you want to get a job that does not require higher education. Eventually you will need to be able to organise your own housing.

You can contact this site by telephone or email or read the information posted on here concerning depression to better understand your situation.

It is a tough job market out there and I imagine higher education opens more doors, but there are lots of young people with degrees working unskilled or semi-skilled jobs because they couldn't find what they wanted. I value education but not at the expense of mental health. Look after what you need ahead of what others want.

Many Government agencies employ people your age and educate them, for example the military. They will provide accommodation, wages and social outlet.

I'm out of space but please write back.

Kind regards, John.

[Zeal]

Hi Evlina,

I'm an almost 22 year old female. I've experienced anxiety and mild to moderate depression. I'm really sorry to hear about how unhappy you are. Playing computer games instead of studying is indicative of avoidance, stemming from depressive feelings and a fear of failure. Guilt and disappointment is the result, even though you have done nothing wrong and don't deserve to feel this way.

Seeing your GP is important. You should discuss all of your concerns and symptoms with them. As you are over 16, you can have confidential doctor's appointments, so you don't need to factor in your parents.

If your parents actually said in those words that they don't care about your happiness one bit, then that is really unfair to you. You don't deserve that.

It took me time to sort out uni. I failed subjects due to illness, but now I have found the right degree, more than 3 years after graduating from school. Make sure the degree you pursue (if you continue) is something you are interested in and passionate about. I know people who have taken years to “find themselves” emotionally and work out what they want to do. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

Seeing a university counsellor is a great idea. I’m not sure they can diagnose conditions, but they can refer you to someone who can. It’s a shame your parents are so critical of you. Try talking to them again, but take a careful approach. Choose a time when your parents aren’t pressured or stressed. Make sure you are in a relatively stable mood also.  Use your discretion, and say what feels right. Tell them you know you didn't perform at your best during Year 12, but that it wasn't because you didn't care. Say you were deeply miserable, and still are. You can say that the pressure became overwhelming, and that you were feeling unwell mentally. Make sure you don’t place blame on your parents (even if they are to blame). Blaming them will just make them defensive and angry. Try to be honest and calm. If this doesn’t work, at least you tried.

It’s a relief you haven’t followed through with serious self-harm. This means you are strong enough to resist. If your parents continue to make you feel miserable, moving out might be a sensible option. Staying home until you feel ready to move out and have enough funds is the ideal situation, but this may not be practical for you.

I hope you can work through your feelings of depression. Good luck with everything, and feel free to repost 🙂

SM

[CrashCoyote]

Hi again Evlina,

I just wanted to check in on you.

Kind regards, John.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi again Evlina,

I just wanted to check in on you.

Kind regards, John.