I feel like I'm stuck in this constant loop of people growing to hate me for no other reason than, I'm me. It's absolute hell on my anxiety. The majority of the people around me can only be considered acquaintances because most never bother to get to know me on any deeper level but it seems no matter how I act, no matter how I present myself, everyone always ends up having an issue with me. The worst part is that I usually can't figure out why.
The best example I can think of is a falling out I had with a girl who's been my friend for over 5 years. She knew and understood me or so I thought, until one day she just changed overnight. Now she regularly insults me for my mannerisms, looks down her nose at me for not being medicated for my depression/anxiety and has tried to paint me as some kind of bully who lives to attack her when the reality is that I'm just trying to defend myself. The fact that this has happened so many times with so many people has left me utterly paranoid about friendship. It's no longer a matter of if they'll turn on me, but when. Sometimes I even find myself lacking trust in my boyfriend who claims to have been in love with me since he met me. I want to believe him. I want to believe all the people I know who say they'll never turn on me but I just can't seem to shake this nagging feeling that I really can't trust any of them.
I always gauge the probability of situations based on the past. In the past I had no friends; everybody around me had some reason to dislike/hate me and I never even knew why. Now I feel like even if my tiny handful of friends are being honest about loving and caring for me, I'm incapable of believing them. I'm stuck in stasis surrounded by hatred and it's slowing eating away at me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if anyone can help me. I just wanted to share what I was feeling in the hopes that it might bring me closer to an answer.
