I just don't know

[SeverelyLost]

I have double depression, or dysthymia and major depression in one episode. I have had it, with no relief, for almost 9 years. I am almost 20, was diagnosed at 11. I have tried every single SSRI, both alone and augmented with antipsychotic or mood stabilising medication, all of those failed. I have tried a NaSSA antidepressant, failed. I have tried 3 different MAOIs, failed. And I have tried antipsychotic medication by itself, failed. I have never been psychotic, nor do I have a type of bipolar, those meds were supposedly to boost the efficiency of the antidepressant/s. Along with those I have completed DBT twice, done CBT, CAT and interpersonal therapy, as well as "chit chat" therapy, or so I call it. I was told, at 16, by a psychiatrist, mate there is nothing any mental health professional can do for you anymore. I would suggest just walking out on the mental health system altogether and forgetting about the illness you have, I'm sorry but that's the most I can do.

I should mention that I have been hospitalised about 20 times in these 9 years, and all the hospital ever did was stare at me while I stayed (sometimes for months). I should also say that from a tiny baby til 18, I was in foster care. I suffered chronic abuse and neglect daily for almost 18 years, as well as switching homes and schools. 

Recently, once I had found a GP for myself after leaving care, and with the help of a clinical psychologist, I was also diagnosed with PTSD and BPD (borderline personality disorder). Since I had already completed therapies of all kinds, nothing could or can be done. Besides regular standard risk assessments by my GP for the BPD. She also discovered I had very low testosterone, so she prescribes that to me and says its best I stay on it permanently as my low testosterone caused late puberty, or failure to go through puberty until time on that. Its been almost 18 months on that, she said it may help my depression. Of course, it hasn't. 

I am chronically fatigued, can't concentrate, have no desire, no interest, I sleep and eat way too much, my life is just a massive, empty drag along that I feel like I'm forced to live. I feel as if I am watching a movie that I am not part of and never will be. I have no friends, no family, no support besides my GP. Its very lonely. I feel as if the depression IS ME. 

I guess I'm just having a rant and looking for advice, though I gather there won't be much. Thanks in advance. 

[geoff]

dear SeverelyLost, I have read your post and I am dumb-founded as to what you have been through, but every post needs to be acknowledged.

I wish I could have the magic answer for you and to be the shining star with the answer you so require, but here are a couple of suggestions, have you considered ECT and if you google the site it has many pages which maybe helpful to you or maybe try being hypnotised, it may sound to be stupid, but who knows.

Perhaps try looking for a psychologist or click under 'Get Support' at the top of the page where there will a list of doctors who are aligned with BB and deal specifically with depression and this means any type.

I know that my reply may not have been of any help, but there has to be a solution to your woes, but it's a battle and please let us know. Geoff.

[SeverelyLost]

Thanks for the comment.

Dumb founded by what exactly? 

I don't really have any interest in seeing a psychologist again, none of my experiences were useful and they were awful people. I don't want to put myself through that again. What is they would be able to do, anyways? 

I can't even get my mind to contemplate ECT, I would rather be living in hell and dragging along. I know it helps some people. But I don't believe anything will help me, as I was never "normal" to begin with, like I have never experienced normalcy in my life, as far as I remember. Nothing could be done officially til I was older. In hindsight I honestly wonder why they, why I, even bothered. Still its difficult to live with the fact that I never will be anything more than this. 

Unemployed on DSP, being threatened to be taken off it because I simply don't have the strength to do any of the compulsory activities under 30s are meant to do to stay on it. I've been looking for work for almost 5 years, obviously that isn't going to happen either.

I also have been put on an adult guardianship order after leaving care, that is being reviewed at court in August, and is more than likely going to be extended. So I have a guardian that doesn't even know me making decisions about my healthcare and accommodation, luckily she knows nothing about mental health care so as long as I inform her, I make my own health decisions (short of signing paper work if I go to the mental health section at my ED at the local hospital). And a person that holds my money from me and gives it to me when they see fit, Centrelink pays my rent before it gets given to them. I also have a so called mental health program that gets workers to come to my house to pretty much check I'm alive and take me grocery shopping, they don't even know anything about what I have and are extremely rude, and come when they please, and get annoyed if I happen to be sleeping. 

I live in a housing house, that I didn't even get to choose or look at before moving in. I just got dumped here and said deal with it, there is nowhere else that suits your low income. The workers just say I should be taking medication. I have told them nothing works, they think its a game I'm playing. Try harder then, they say. Try harder at what? I have nothing to try. 

Anyways, you probably get where I'm headed....

 So thanks for commenting. 

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[White_Rose]

Dear SL

You have a really horrific story and I am so sorry that you have gone through life in this way.

I am puzzled that you say Since I had already completed therapies of all kinds, nothing could or can be done. I really don't get this. If you are treated with antibiotics for an infection and the infection does not heal immediately, then you are given further antibiotics, not just left to become ill. So why is this so with mental illness?

How many psychs have told you this? It sounds ridiculous to me. It also sounds as though you need a good psychiatrist rather than rely on the hospital system where you see a different psych at each consultation.

Please go to your GP and ask for a referral to a good psychiatrist. Your GP can put you on a mental plan so that you get 10 free consultations initially. And as psychiatric care is refundable under Medicare should not be greatly out of pocket, especially once you reach the safety net.

It strikes me you have abused by the system and thrown on the scrapheap. Please forgive me for being blunt and especially if I have hurt you in any way. I get really cranky about this sort of thing.

So go to your doctor and take it from there. Write in again as often as you can.

Regards

Mary

[SeverelyLost]

I have seen at least 8 psychiatrists in the community. Obviously they are of no use now I have tried all of the meds. 

[SeverelyLost]

I should note that all of my previous therapy and medication prescribing etc, was done in the community. I was hospitalised because I wasn't getting better, but worse.