Lost with a purpose

[Ciara1]

Hi,

I am writing to you in hopes to finally let my thoughts spill. I guess its not difficult to say that i have experienced some very bad things in life, but what is really difficult is talking about the things that made it so difficult. My friend suggested that i should talk to a councillor, but even after completing my Psychology degree, i am still not confident to finally say what i try to hide so much. I guess what i am about to say now is now even known by my friends, maybe by family. I am giving up in life.

I know how absurd that sounds. I am only 22. What could of actually happened to lead me to feeling such way. I guess the answer is not simple, and i am still trying to find it myself. Firstly i guess its the discomfort i felt at home, the never ending fights, and the never ending tears. At one point in time i even started to hate myself for being so weak. I thought by now i should be used to it. But i guess what doesn't kill doesn't always makes you stronger in the end. For me i have become even more sensitive. I am starting to see the cracks in my life, and i am trying to hid them for everyone, even myself. I guess the social media has become my weapon of dealing with it. However i feel, i am not actually fighting it but hiding from it.

Theres so much to talk about, yet so little i can actually can write. I could tell you about the abuse, the distrust, the emptiness, however i don't want to focus on the past but on the future. I am trying to create a better future, however i think i am lost at a place where even if i wanted to i wouldn't be able to move on. I know there is a better place, better state - I see it all around me. However i feel like i have lost the motivation do anything about it.

I just want to know what i can do. Please help!

Thanks for reading.

[james1]

Hey Ciara,

These words from you spoke volumes to me:

" I know there is a better place, better state - I see it all around me. However i feel like i have lost the motivation do anything about it."

I feel like that means so much to me, as I've said very similar things to people before. I've had friends tell me to pick some goals in life and work towards them because that will make me better...but that's the trouble. I have goals - it's finding the motivation to complete them that becomes the struggle.

It sounds like you've had so much happen in the past which has really just sapped...something from you. I don't know what and it is okay if you don't want to talk about the past. Often, the pain can be very overwhelming so it is better to talk to a counsellor or psychologist about that.

But it is good that you are trying to create a better future for yourself, as you said. I know it may not mean much, but I think you're worth that better future. I really hope we can help you find the support you need to build it.

Have you ever spoken to anyone about this? It sounds like you haven't spoken to any professionals, but that those close to you may actually suspect something.

Usually, it takes one giant push to get the ball rolling, but once it gets rolling, moving forward is a lot easier.

Perhaps rather than speaking to a counsellor straight off the bat, a chat to your GP may be useful? You could even tell them that you don't feel comfortable talking about your past, and instead just focus on what you're feeling right in the moment.

From what you've said, it sounds like it will be a difficult ride to try and tackle all this on your own so I just wanted to remind you that people do care. They simply may not know that you're struggling.

I'm 25 now and I've been seeing a psychologist since May last year. I'm still going regularly and a lot of it is stuff from my past, but we've barely even delved into that so far. A lot of the work for me has just been dealing with the day-to-day struggles, but I think I'm starting to make progress.

So I do think that, with the right support and help, you might be able to really start making some in-roads on those future goals of yours.

James

[Ciara1]

Hi James,

Thank you for replying back to me. I am sorry for all that you have suffered, but happy that you're able to deal with it as you want to.

Regarding my past, you're right, it is very hard for me to talk about it. One of my defence mechanism is not thinking about it, and whenever i do it drags me into an hole. I know its not healthy. I have tried to talk about it, and told my best friend. However i can't help but feel scared, scared of what she might think about me. What she might think about my decisions in life, and why i still live the way i do after all that has happened. I appreciate that she is willing to listen, and love and respect all the people who love me.

Now in regards to talking to councillor, it is still very difficult. I also feel that it will be a 'difficult ride', because even as much as i try to convince myself, a part of me always believes i don't need it. I guess i invented this part of me to stay strong when things went wrong. It is ironic how double edge sword your ego can be. It tries to express how proud it is of itself, while also works to ruin oneself.

In the end, i do want to work on my motivation towards my life. I feel i have all the knowledge as to live it, yet lack the power to build it. For some stupid reason, I believed that someone was going to enter my life and be my hope. Its like sleeping in, and waiting for someone to throw the cold water on your face to wake you up. I guess in this hope i actually forget why i actually needed a hope. To have a better life. After what you have said, i do want try more. I want to become the hope for myself.

Ciara

[geoff]

hello Ciara, as much as you want to forget about the past because all those bad memories keep coming back to you, which I'm so sorry for, however if it is stopping you from moving forward then you need to cut the cord, but this can only happen when you are able to talk about it, even as though it's so painful, you need to settle these thoughts so that you can plan for your future.
That's very difficult for me to say but another way is to put these thoughts into an imaginary box where you lock them away and sent them out to sea where they will be forgotten about, that's exactly what I have done, as there were problems I could never solve, some were terrible and some not that bad but they still had an impact on me, so I thought that I needed to work through them, but the more I tried, the more I got upset, so the answers I was looking for weren't there and I couldn't understand why so then because of this made me feel awful.
It doesn't matter whether you are a psychologist or not, you still have feelings, you're human just like the rest of us, and what I can say is that once this has been over you will become a much greater psychologist, I know this because when I asked any psy/psychiatrist if they have had depression themselves as soon as they said no, I would get up and leave, they don't fully understand what depression is actually like, a book will teach them but experience is what they haven't had.
We hope to hear more from you. Geoff.

[Ciara1]

Hi Geoff.

Thank you for your words. I empathise with you, and can understand that there are some things we can't tackle even how hard we try. I remember spending endless days fighting these demons, and just couldn't fight it. Now i accept them, and leave them behind.

In regards to me being a psychologist, i am far from it. However i do have a desire to help people, and want a career related to it. I am very excited to join this community, as it gives me a chance to speak about my past, and slowly tackle my demons. Also even more i can listen to others stories.

Thanks for your support.
Ciara

[james1]

Hey Ciara,

It's nice to hear back from you. Thanks for posting a reply.

You've spoken so very clearly about things which is wonderful. It sounds like you can see the path in front of your feet but you're afraid to continue taking steps. Totally understandable when the path leads into the distance and you can't see that far.

Possibly I'm further up ahead on this road - who knows really? - but I can say that the path does keep going and doesn't just stop.

I think it is good sometimes to throw that bucket of cold water on your own face, rather than waiting for someone else to do it. After all, you'll just be grumpy if someone else does it hey? But yeah, my psychologist tells me I'm also in half a mind both ways sometimes, and that's what can cause the inaction. She says there's two sides of me: one that wants to get better and goes to see her twice a week, and then the other side which says, no I don't need anyone I can walk this alone. Thankfully, she reckons, the first side usually wins out.

Perhaps the same can be said for you which is why you came here in the first place? That somewhere inside, someone is in pain and wants the support they rightly deserve.

James

[Ciara1]

Hi James,

Thank your for responding back. It is comforting to know that you can understand my problems, and i admire your strength to stay and walk on this path.

I guess you are right, it is scary to walk on a path where you can't see what is front of you. It leads you to question if you are on the right path, and if this path will be successful. For me i face many challenges. While being on this path, I can't help but be distracted by the demons around me. These demons, may it be not doing well in uni, not getting a job, or not meeting up to the expectations of the world and my family, always have the power to bring into a halt. They lead me to a space, where i can't think and feel powerless. I guess in these instances i try to distract myself, but the reality of course always catches up.

It is difficult to believe, but sometimes people who you love the most are the ones to give you the most pain. I know that giving pain is not their intention. However i know that everyone has different thinking, and different expectations, and so can't understand how their words may mean something else to someone else.

The problem here is igniting my motivation to do something about it. I know i have the power to change, however i meet challenges everyday that brings me to a halt. Whenever i encounter this problem, my initial response is saving myself at that moment. My aim then is protecting myself at that point in time, and not thinking about the future. The way i project myself is avoiding the problem. I guess thats where the dilemma lies. However as you might know, its one thing knowing what the problem is and actually doing something about it.

But i do want to start on the path. I think i am getting tired. Tired of hiding, and tired of always encountering the problems. Its even more difficult, when i do try, but still fail to achieve what i want. I guess whats really killing my motivation is experiencing failures. Even worse than not trying, is trying and failing. However i find myself being stuck in a never ending cycle of failure and avoidance.

What do you think?

[james1]

Hey Ciara,

It is very true that those who love us the most also tend to be the ones that cause the greatest pain. But the flip side to that, is simply that they do love us. Perhaps they just don't know how to show it.

Sometimes all we can do is protect ourselves. That is very understandable because it's our fear overriding any ability to reason or think things through. To be honest, I don't even think it's a bad thing. We could be doing so because to try and do something else might be too difficult in the moment when you're panicking on your own.

And that's just the thing: in the moment, you feel very alone. But you aren't really.

Have you got any of the support lines saved to your phone? Or perhaps a friend who you can just call at any time?

With mobiles, we are never really alone even though we may feel it. I'd suggest saving the BeyondBlue line below to your phone and have it easily callable, or a friend who you can trust.

Of course, I get that it's hard to call people when you're afraid. And that is often where a professional can help - they can't be with you there in the moment, but they can help put little brakes on your automatic responses. The automatic response to shut down can be replaced by a more productive habit to reconnect with another human voice.

Easy for me to say, but I do believe that's true. I was pretty bad for a while last year and feeling a lot of the same feelings you've described of just being tired of being tired. Of trying to "get better" and then "failing". But it was really all just a way for me to learn how to let go of my fear of seeking help, and to start seeing my psych more regularly, as I needed.

I think you're really giving it a go and that's wonderful to read. I have the benefit of hindsight so, while I know it's really hard, I also think it's very possible. What worked for me may not work for you, but it sounds like you're pretty ready to try a lot of things just to start seeing some improvement.

James

[Ciara1]

Hi James,

Thank you for your words, somehow they are making me more comfortable with the idea of speaking about my problems. I appreciate you sharing your experience with me, and congratulate you for seeking help and being able to take control.

I do have my close friend numbers, and do often seek their help when i am feeing overpowered by my problems. I might not even talk to them about the problem directly, but it is always good to divert my mind. But i am starting to let go, and share my problems. Its hard, and i believe i have a long road to go, but i am getting better.

From the start, i knew a time will come where i had to wake myself, and really fight for what i believe. Its tricky because the problems have been cause by people close to me. And even though it hurts, i have to be near them, and that makes it even more suffocating and challenging. I know i can run, and be away from them. However if i do that i will also run away from the people i love. Its hard, but i guess its the best thing to do of myself.

Like you said, i am very eager to improve my life. I know whats there to come, and what i have to do. I will and i think i am ready for it. I do understand one day i might need to see the help for professional, but even talking with you and others is a great start for me.

Thank You

Ciara

[james1]

Hey Ciara,

I am glad you are feeling more comfortable. It's a long process, but you've really made some wonderful progress even just by posting here in the first place. Like you said, it's hard to let go and share your thoughts and feelings, but I can see you are really giving it a good go and that's all anyone can expect. Given time, these things become easier.

This is always a safe spot for you.

James