lost in life

loserbehaviour

hello to those who see this. im 19, almost 20 in march, and a transgender male (pre testosterone, still struggling with the system). i feel as if i have been on a downward spiral since a young age. ive been in the system since 13; anti-depressants, ADHD medications, therapy etc. etc. my depression has begun to contort itself into a boiling anger. not at my mother, not at the world, but me. at the end of the day i am the one doing nothing with myself and i know it. i know i am floating through my life with nothing but a bone-deep melancholy and an empty soul. i wish people could look at me and know the extent my anger, my sadness, my hatred of myself. i am not in my body. i am not the person i know i should be. i am not the happy-go-lucky golden boy i should be. i am a malicious, hateful shell of a woman. i wish i had the power, the determination of joan of arc. i wish i too could be burned at the stake for a cause, for something bigger than i am. but alas, i am a pebble in a pond far too big for me. i wish i knew how to take care of myself, to show compassion to myself. but i look at myself in the mirror and have nothing but shame. my skin is the colour of the flesh of an apple. my eyes are those of a man who has lost everything. my teeth are stained yellow, born from years of neglect. my body is that of a being starved of a fruitful life. i wish my life was not my own.

forgive me. my point is that i wish there was more to life for me than sitting in a room and rotting away. the internet no longer brings me comfort. i want a life, a physical life. no more of this digital life i have manufactured for years.

i dont expect many to know what to say to someone like me, but even just an attempt to talk to me would bring me just a little happiness in knowing im not so alone as i feel.

quirkywords

Lost, I find your honesty ,refreshing and sad. I have friends who are trans and I feel they are brave like you are .don’t not know your journey but I can listen.

You are not alone We are listening. There many reading your words who maybe nodding at some of your words.I welcome you here to this supportive place. I am here if you want a chat .

ViolettaZ

Hi there,

Thanks for opening up and sharing with us.

I see you've faced many challenges, including physical, mental, and emotional changes. As a transgender male, especially without having started testosterone yet, it must feel like you're constantly battling both the system and your inner self.

I understand what you mean about depression turning into anger. Long-term suppression often builds up into a heavy emotional burden, and you probably need a way to vent it out. One example could be journaling or writing down your thoughts, it might feel hard, but journaling can help release the anger and sadness inside. Write down whatever comes to mind, no matter how bad it feels. It’s a safe space to express yourself, and sometimes looking back at these feelings can help with reflection later.

The inner struggles you’re facing, especially with gender identity and mental health, are incredibly complex. Trans-friendly communities and peer support might help when things get tough. You may find services like Qlife helpful, it's a peer-led service that offers free, confidential, and anonymous support for trans people through phone and web chat.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Life’s tough challenges don’t get fixed overnight, every step forward is worth celebrating. You are not a failure. The fact that you're facing everything head-on shows how brave you are.

Take care of yourself:)

Warm regards🤗

ViolettaZ

loserbehaviour

thank you, means a lot.

loserbehaviour

thanks. i will have to check out qlife again and i am trying my best to take life day by day.