Losing friendships

[LiamG]

Recently, i have just moved in with a good friend of mine Peter (not his real name) and his girlfriend Jess (not her real name either). Me and Peter have been great friends for the past few years, we would talk on the phone all the time, we would hang out all the time, we would help each other out with advise etc. I also have another great friend called Fred (not his real name) and me and Fred almost do the same things. However Fred hasn't met Peter and Jess. 

 In the past few weeks since i've been living with Peter and Jess, they have been wanting me to help them out with money like help pay for Peter's fuel since he drives me around or for groceries or even some rent for them since Peter goes broke everytime he gets paid because he has to pay for Jess's rent. I have even had to pay for Jess. They say they hate asking me for money, they do owe me some money but they say it won't be for a while. They even said for me not to ask them for money and i haven't!!

 It was annoying me inside so i was texting Fred how much it was annoying me that i had to pay for them, like alot. I tried to tell Peter and Jess that i can't pay for this or i can't pay for that, but they don't want to seem to listen. I also was telling Fred that Peter and Jess were saying me and Fred were gay (as a joke) since we always text each other. So Fred got really angry and sent a harrassing facebook message to Peter. He said that they need to stop asking me for money, that they need to start paying for their own things, that they need to stop calling us gay, if they keep asking me for money, he will call the police.

 When Peter read it, he fired up really bad. He wanted me to leave the property i am living in them with. He eventually calmed down. He said that him and Jess have now lost respect for me and don't trust me anymore until i change big time. One of Jess's friends has just moved in with us to make rent cheaper and just because i talked behind Jess and Peter's backs, she's talking to me like a smart ass, so overall she doesn't like me.

 I was given two ultimatiums by Peter, he said either be friends with him and Jess, gain their respect and trust back and stop being friends with Fred or stop being friends with Peter and Jess, never contact them again and leave the house i'm at.  I chose the first one, i had to tell Fred that i can't be friends with him anymore and i hated hated that i had to do that.

I'm feeling so down, i don't feel like doing anything....

[Reaperbird]

I don't think you did anything wrong by venting to your friend. Everyone needs support sometimes, and a close friend is usually who most people would turn to.

Though it doesn't sound like Peter and Jess are being responsible by asking you for money all the time, and expecting you to pay up every time they cry "broke." Even if they are having money problems, they should be productively looking in to ways to solve that problem and not be reliant on you all the time. And you can't be expected to save them financially forever, that wouldn't be fair on you, nor would they ever learn to spend their money better if they always have you to bail them out of trouble.

I think Fred probably did the wrong thing by dragging you in to his confrontation with Peter. I understand if he wanted to confront him over the gay slurs since they did involve him too, but bringing you in to it has now made you have to face a conflict you likely didn't want to start. I imagine you vented to Fred in the first place so you wouldn't have to fight with your other friends, but instead, things have been blown out of proportion, and everyone's angry when you only wanted the best for them.

As for having to choose between friends, that's manipulative. You should not have to stop talking to Fred just because your other friends don't like him. And threatening to kick you out if you don't stop talking to him is really awful.

But regardless of who was wrong or right, that must be an incredibly hard and overwhelming situation for you to be in.

The only advice I can think of right now is firstly, don't blame yourself, these things do happen unfortunately and it really sucks when it does.
Second, maybe think of a 'plan b' for accommodation, so if you are kicked out, you'll have somewhere to go and also they can't use it as a tactic to manipulate you anymore.
And lastly, maybe learning to be a bit assertive can help. Easier said then done of course, but you do have a right to tell your friends to stop borrowing money, and to not tell you who you can and cannot be friends with.

Still whatever happens, I wish you all the luck. As I said, it's a difficult situation to be in, and I'm sorry things turned out so poorly. I think you're a nice person who does care about there friends and I hope everything turns out okay.

[Dylan_J]

Hi LiamG,

I am sorry that you were forced to choose between your friends. I know Peter and Jess have been your friends for a while, but still, it doesn't seem right that they have asked you to choose between them and Fred. Especially since you have been helping them out financially. And, as I understand, you have only talked to Fred because of the wall they put up, preventing you from discussing issues with them. Sure, Fred overstepped the line, but does he deserve his predicament for defending you?

It is hard to find friends, and no one is perfect. I hope you can get past this, you sound like a very caring person, and that bodes well for the future. Take care of yourself.