Is it manipulation, or just my anxiety?

[Reaperbird]

So I have a friend online who I like talking to, and to be honest, they're pretty much my only friend, but at times I have this feeling they are trying to control, or manipulate, me. They seem to get a bit possessive too.

Our conversation starts off okay, but after a while they seem to get passive-aggressive and make me feel uncomfortable. I don't really know if I'm taking things the wrong way, or if there's something going on. But after our talks, I'm often left feeling intimidated and anxious.

To be honest, I've been suspicious that they have been trying to 'mould' me in to someone they want me to be. I feel like I'm punished by silent treatment, or passive-aggression, every time I say something they don't like. And in the meantime, they try to convince me to try certain things that they like, even after I say I'm not interested.
And most conversations leads to that point. It starts off calm, and enjoyable, but then gets really stressful. It's at the point now that I'm scared to talk to them, I won't even log in to my social network account anymore. Every time we talk, I feel like my head is being messed with.

The thing is though, is that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, so being paranoid of other people is a problem with me. So I'm not sure if I should trust my own instincts that something is wrong, or ignore it because it could be my anxiety playing tricks on me.
The worst part is they aren't exactly saying anything bad, so I can't be assertive with them. It's their actions that are upsetting me, and I don't really know how to explain it. All I know is I don't like it.

It sucks too because as I said before, they are basically my only friend. I do know other people online, but we're more acquaintances then friends, so we don't really talk much. So I don't know, I'm scared I'm just going to end up pushing away the last person I have left.

[white knight]

Hi Reaperbird

Do indeed trust your instincts, that's why you have them.

There is two extremes. (I often think of extremes to get some clarity). The first example is when my daughter wrote off her car. She to,d em what kind of car she wanted when her insurance paid out on the wreck. So I went on line and sent her several examples of the new car in question by email. She rang me up in an upset manner. She said "you are trying to manipulate me". "No I said ...I was trying to love you".

The second one is the other extreme. You are online with faceless friends and one persists in asking intimate questions. When you object , the person goes on the offensive and quotes some of the things you have said in the recent past. Clearly twisting your words to justify himself/herself. That is the other extreme, clear manipulation. But often this sort of behaviour comes slowly, like a recruit in their world, you are a pupil that they are moulding. Be careful.

People have been a problem for me also. Over many years I have taken many precautions in, eventually getting to where I am today. So where am I today? Well, my Facebook friends went from 180 to 45 (now up to 60 or so) so I trimmed many of them. It was a good feeling, I only wanted kind nice people that if they did object to my comments they would do so in a friendly way. Then I moved to the country and was fortunate enough to afford a block of land about 1 acre big, large enough to be at a nice distance form neighbours.

Finally I learned to be more direct. If someone made me feel uncomfortable I'd tell them that but in a question format. Like "do you want to make me feel uncomfortable"? Maybe honing your skills in this way will help. When under pressure from someone ask them a question to force them to justify their manner.

It might surprise you but I have contempt for a good percentage of the population. If we were to add up the percentage of- child abusers, career criminals, fraudsters, adulterers, cruelty to animals, backstabbers and so on and on the list goes it would be a big chunk out of the people we meet daily. So being cautious of people isn't such a bad thing.

There are positives in most negatives if we learn to think that way

Tony WK

[Reaperbird]

Yeah, maybe I should. I feel bad because we have been friends for about 2 years now, but the more I get to know them, the more I want to run away from them.

To be clear, there's been nothing sexual being said, they seem to be trying to change my opinions, hobbies, and preferences to what they want. If they didn't behave so passive-aggressive and moody every time they didn't get their own way, I would have thought they just wanted to share their interests with me. But the silent treatment, questionable comments, and the fact they keep bringing it up even after I've said no, makes me think they're trying to make me be someone I'm not. For what reasons, I don't know. But it hurts. I feel like they can't accept me for who I am so are trying to turn me in to someone they want.

I can relate to Facebook. I used to join groups all the time on there, but after getting in to a lot of online fights because of people saying discriminating, inappropriate or abusive things, I deleted my account. It really made me lose confidence in humanity seeing how many cruel and violent people were on there. I'd ask them politely to stop doing something that offended me, and then they'd reply with slurs and threats. Horrible.

Yeah, I do need to practice pulling people up, or calling them out, when they say something I'm not okay with. I have trouble being assertive, especially offline because I'm short and quiet-voiced and people just ignore me even when I do stand up for myself. I'm a pushover, and I hate it.

Heh, same. I've seen too much of the worst of people, there's too many in the world. I just want to start meeting the good ones out there. But it's hard to know which is which sometimes.

But thankyou, it's nice to hear someone be supportive instead of saying it's "all in my head," though truthfully, the ones who tell me it's in my head are usually the ones who are doing wrong by me. So maybe they aren't the ones I should be listening to.

[white knight]

Hi Reaperbird

 You are on the right track.

Yes, you are a pushover, the positive is that you now realise it- half the battle. The world is full of people that don't for one second review themselves and see their behaviour as not quite in the ball park.

Facebook can be great. You can share your pics quickly and easily and make good friends great friends. Its all about controlling your account and limiting the friends to a manageable level. without it you'll find you'll be out of the loop a lot unfortunately.

Practice answering with a question. I wrote a fews article here some time ago. Google the following

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get - beyondblue

Topic: controlling your life-how important is it? - beyondblue

Topic: what is your defense against your vulnerability- beyondblue

Topic: defending yourself-don't be an easy target- beyondblue

All of the above are relevant to you and your situation. You'll get a lot out of them I think. Good luck reading them.

Tony WK