Looking for some relationship advice...

[Cherry13]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask for this sort of advice but it would be really helpful to see what people think...

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly six months and things have not been "smooth sailing". I never feel appreciated and he takes me and my kindness for granted. We have had a few conversations about how I feel and he has expressed how he can get into moods where he doesn't want to do anything in general and would also rather not speak/text me or even hang out. He believes that he is immature and unmotivated in life but doesn't want to lose me because he knows how great I am. It's important to note that we live 40 minutes from each other and we only see each other once a week (depending on if he's feeling motivated to see me), this means that calling and texting is vital for our relationship to stay connected, however, my boyfriend frequently complains that he's more of an 'in-person' kind of person (as in with interacting with another) and so, I find that he uses that as an excuse to not message me or call. It is very difficult to get him to come over to my house, he will always make excuses from the point of inviting him to the point of him showing up on my doorstep.

I'm at a stage of defeat, we have promised ourselves that we will try again but all I see is myself putting in all the effort and him continuously making excuses and not treating me any different. This relationship affects my mental health a lot and it also causes me to fall behind in my job and now that I've begun a new course, I don't need more stress on my studies too. My boyfriend has a bad mentally about himself and I want to help him but he doesn't make it easy for me, I feel like the best thing to help us both is to break up but then I also think that we will be broken-hearted, which will still hurt our mentalities. Of course, we will heal from a broken heart and grow but can we also heal and grow within our relationship... He's expressed that he wants to fix and change things and so should I just see what happens (we do have plenty of time after all) or is this relationship not worth fixing?

[Aphador]

Hey Cherry!

Welcome to the forums! This is absolutely the right place for you; I hope you will find this place somewhere where you can comfortably share your feelings.

This seems like a rough situation for you, I'm sorry :(. You have done exceptionally well in being able to communicate your feelings with him! It looks like you have tried really hard to make this work. It's so beautiful to see his wellbeing at the forefront of your mind, even while you are down. You are a really great person!

Firstly- it seems like you are a university student. Most universities offer free counselling services. I would suggest seeing one of these counsellors. I have found them incredibly useful, and often recommend them to my friends, even if they are not experiencing any stress.

There are a lot of different approaches you can take to a situation like this, so hopefully, more people on the forum can offer their opinions. I feel we should always work on ourselves first, before others- as harsh as it may seem in some cases. I'm sure you have considered this, as you mentioned the idea of breaking up. Humouring this idea, it would allow you to catch up on your studies and job, and work on yourself (taking the time to heal). You could still see a counsellor you help you with these things.

You are entirely correct when you say that you can 'also heal and grow within your relationship.' This is definitely a possibility. Something to consider is whether you believe that your boyfriend is going to be able to change (in the short-term). We can try our hardest to inspire, but the decision to change must be an internal one. It seems as though the kind of change your boyfriend needs will be a long process, and he will need a strong support network there to help him. Do you see him capable of making such a change?

One more thing to consider is what your 'gut' says. You mentioned that you feel it is 'best to break up,' is this your gut feeling?

Again, I would like to emphasise that this is just my point of view- I do not know the whole story or either of you as a person. I am not a relationship expert; best I have done is read a few psychology and self-help books on love :). However, if one of my friends had come to me asking for my input, this is what I would say. 🙂

If you would like to discuss this more, then please do so! I will be here. Again, I hope that more people will reply and offer other points of views.
Nice to meet you 🙂
Aphador 🙂

[helenhall]

Hey Cherry13,

I agree with Aphador, you should be super proud of yourself for coming here and expressing yourself in such a deep way. I tried it for the first time only a few months ago and it has helped me so much. I hope the same thing for you 🙂

Firstly, I wanted to say that I have been in your position before girl! For me (and maybe you're the same) I find such happiness and fulfilment from caring for and helping the people I love. It makes me feel so warm and joyful inside. However, what I have learnt over the past years is how important it is to give to the RIGHT people and the people that really deserve your love and support. Many times I have gotten to the point where the people I love have taken, taken, taken until I had nothing left for myself.

And let me tell you, you are important. You're mental health, caring for yourself, nourishing your body, going after your individual dreams is (arguably) the most important things.

Never lose your kindness, compassion and empathetic nature. It is so PRECIOUS and the world needs more of it. But I would question, are you using those amazing talents toward the right people? Are you putting energy into relationships that really serve you? What benefits do you get out of your relationships?

Also, (as Aphador said) never stop expressing how you feel to the people in your life. So much empowerment and relief comes from that, and being able to express your feelings is a talent in itself.

For me, as an outsider, it seems like your boyfriend knows he needs to work on himself, like a lot. The question is, can he truly and authentically do that within your relationship? Do you want to stick around and support him as he attempts to do that work?

From all that I've learnt, the most fulfilling relationships in my life are those that are (and I'm totally not saying that yours isn't) 1) reciprocal 2) positive 3)supportive. You (and everyone) deserves stable relationships.

Some final thoughts haha:

How can you best help your boyfriend? What do you think is best for him (even if it is painful in the moment)? And (most importantly) what is best for YOU? Have you considered taking a break and reassessing after time has passed?

For me, if/when certain relationships don't work out, someone brilliant is always waiting just around the corner, and when I least expect it (those are the ones I really treasure)

Hope this helps.

Hugs

[geoff]

Hello Cherry, and thanks to Aphador and Helenhall for replying with great comments.

I too am really sorry, especially as you've only been going out for six months which for some people is still the 'honeymoon period' where couples would do anything to please their partner by attraction and infatuation and do what you partner wants.

The restrictions at this early stage don't do this and it isn't allowing you to progress with your job and as well as the study you are keen on achieving.

Develop your intentions of what you believe a relationship should be like and not be held back by someone else doing this to you.

I'm not a counsellor and only talk from experience.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Tayyab]

First, you did a good job by posting it at some open forum, especially on Beyond blue.

I am married and my wife was the same way as your partner is right now. I was very open to her, I describe my emotions, I loved her every way etc, but her response was not like that.

At first, I thought that she is taking me and my love for granted, but as time passed, I started to understand that she is not built like me. She is not too much open. So, I gave her time and affection.

Now, after 3 years, She is totally a different person and even she expressed herself more than I do. So, My advice, give it a little time

I found a great article about a broken relationship by googling "how to fix a relationship after trust is broken". Whoever write and compiled it is a genius. 🙂

I hope my comment helps and get you motivation and courage. 🙂 Stay blessed.