Lonely but crowded.

[Mr__Brightside]

OK. Where to start. This is my first post. I'm almost eighteenth. I'm studying year twelve and the past month has gone from bad to worse. My mood goes up and down in general. (half the family is bipolar) never been diagnosed but I wouldn't be surprised. Anyway, my more depressed states are happening more frequently and lasting longer. I worry that I'm a sociopath, and I feel so lonely but everyone Is so loud. At my school, I get along well with the others. Most people there have some issues. I only really talk about my problems with this one girl. She's nice but I feel guilty for forcing my issues on her, since I can tell she has her own. I worry about her and lately I feel like I'm only making her more stressed. Not pleasant. I have a problem trusting people and she's one of the few I do. Things no longer interest me. At my worst, I feel like a horrible person who isn't deserving of happiness. My question is has anyone been in a similar position? And what are your suggestions on getting out of this funk? Just a heads up, I am morally against most antidepressants, since I consider them nothing more than sedatives. Thank you all for listening. I'll leave you with a small part of a text I wrote which set off alarm bells and made me decide to join this community.  "I am the embodiment of poison. Deadly, painful, silent and unwanted. And so I sit down and watch the world burn. It's pretty boring." 

[white knight]

Hi Moriarty welcome to Beyond Blue forums

ok, I can concur. I was in dark places most of my life. I'm 59yo. You are clearly in a similar palce although we are all different in this regard, every dark place is not the same IMO.

So what did I do while in my dark place?  Mainly write gloomy, deep feeling poetry. The poetry I'm told was very good, creative and with impact. Then I went on medication for bipolar 2 (less severe than bipolar 1), dysthymia (a more constant low mood depression, depression and anxiety.

My biggest problem was correct diagnosis. I didnt get a correct one in 2004 (diagnosed bipolar 1 and ADHD) and hence went on the wrong meds for 6 years. Not good.

But in 2009 I got a really good psychiatrist and luckily another one sat in on my first interview/assessment. And both agreed, I had the other illnesses.

So what happened then? I slowly stopped my poetry. In a way it was like losing an arm, so upset I could no longer string my words together and be in "that place" I'd been all my life. Over time I realised that this actually held many positives. Most of my friends always had one particular criticism- too serious, gloomy and frustrated. As one friend put it "you have to loosen up and be happy like other people". Happy, all this time I wasnt happy? Yes, I wasnt happy and I decided to be happy.

A good example of this new found happiness is the car club I'm involved with. I began to go on trips and runs with them and be happy for the duration of the event. I no longer "sat in a corner". I stopped moping. And one has to realsie that no matter how we feel when we are in that dark place...other people arent interested in your mood, why you feel that way etc....they are there for fun and if they are there for fun why would they stop that fun by talking to you?

Living in the modern world has many challenges. Even for those without any mental issues. So when they attend a fun event they want to have fun. It isnt that they dont care its that they arent there for that reason. So what can you do?

IMO get over and move on from your belief that medication is purely a tranquiliser. Once you find the right meds you will change over time and never look back. But medication alone isnt enough. Nothing "alone" is enough. You need to embrace your GP's ideas, seek professional therapy, asses your life and lifestyle etc. It a mix of remedies along with determination.

Be open minded. Read up threads on this forum. Attend positive thinking lectures. Help yourself grow.

Tony WK

[Mr__Brightside]

Thanks white knight for your reply. To be honest, I wasn't sure if anyone would bother to respond. I'm currently looking for a new Gp. I dislike to two my family see. In the meantime, I think I'll throw myself into my work and look around the forums. I find my current situation ironic. Up until the start of this year, I wanted to be a psychologist. Funny how things work. Any more advice would be appreciated. ~M

[White_Rose]

Dear Moriarty

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Are you a fans of the Goons? Or is that too old for you? I suspect I am showing my age. Of course you may be referencing Sherlock Holmes.

I agree with Tony WK about medication. So many people who write in here have said the same as you. Medication! No thanks. Yes there can be uncomfortable side effects. But it is really a matter of finding what is right for you. I have tried many and now quite happy with 'my' AD. So shed your prejudices and go for it.

If you are unhappy with your GP find another. At the bottom of this page under Get Support, there is a heading Find a Professional. Click on this and follow the directions. This is a list of GPs with experience in managing mental health issues, and is searchable by postcode. You may find a doctor you feel more comfortable with. Just be aware they have no magic spells. You will still need to do the hard work.

I doubt that you are a sociopath. If you are doubting yourself it's usually an indicator you are OK. Sounds counter-intuitive I know, but that's usually the case. Being lonely more likely means you are shy or prefer people who are not loud, as you have recognised. Many people find it hard to make friends. It is a matter of one at a time.

I agree with you about your friend. Try to keep the conversation light if she is also having difficulties. Or ask her about her life. She may appreciate someone to talk to. There are situations where it is good and useful to talk about your problems, but not constantly. And speaking of which, are there any school counselors or chaplains where you are? It may be worthwhile to have a chat with one of them. They are not allowed to tell anyone that you have spoken to them.

Please let us know have you are going.

Mary

[Mr__Brightside]

Thanks for your reply Mary. I am referring to Sherlock Holmes. (who are the goons?) I know this is odd, but when I said loud, I meant that I feel everyone's presence. I read body language ridiculously well and on the breaks at school, I can be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people and their actions. This mainly happens on Monday as I get used to it throughout the week.

My school will be getting a psychologist soon. To be honest, I don't think I'll see her much. Mainly for the same reason I don't talk to the teachers, I'll just feel like they're trying to get information on me and that they don't care. 

Again, thank you for the reply. ~M

[White_Rose]

Dear Moriarty

Sherlock Holmes it is. The Goons were an iconic group of comedians in Britain in the 50s onwards. Showing their age, they started life on radio with The Goon Show. Very funny, lots of dark humour and political incorrectness. Harry Seccombe, Peter Sellers, Spike Milligan, Eric Sykes.

I don't know how or why teachers collect information about their students, but counselors, including psychologists are not allowed to disclose or discuss any of their clients with anyone. I believe psychologists join the profession because they do care about people. It is a hard job, very emotional at times, and psychs learn to keep a certain amount of detachment for their own mental well-being.

Sometimes this may come across as being cold or uncaring which is unfortunate. Generally speaking I find them warm and encouraging. Much more so than psychiatrists who are often very distant.

I understand what you mean about people being loud. I did misunderstand you at first, but I also recognise the phenomenon you describe. There is so much happening in crowds and it gets overwhelming.

Most people who have depression feel they are not worthwhile and are really terrible people. It's the depression, AKA the Black Dog, which is speaking.We also become suspicious about others, wondering if they are trustworthy. This is an area you need to pick and choose. So many folk have no idea how depression causes us to act and get embarrassed when it is discussed.

Explore the tabs at the top of the page and read as much as possible about depression. The Black Dog Institute is another good place to visit online.

Let us know how you are going.

Mary

[Mr__Brightside]

Hey Mary. Today's been a good day. Thank you for your advice. I'll be in touch. ~M