Hi all,
I decided to post here because... well I don't really have anywhere else to go. I'm 23 and have was diagnosed with depression since I was 14. Throughout my life I have struggled with, well, staying alive. Over the years I have visited more psychologists and psychiatrists than I can count on two hands yet all they have only managed to hand me some medication and send me on my way. But, even that is better treatment than most people have given me.
The reason I feel so depressed is that I am lonely. Not sad that someone hasn't invited me out in a little while or upset because I can't get a date. Mind numbing, crippling loneliness. Often I will just want someone to confide in or talk on a more meaningful level but I will quickly remember I have no one. I don't have any close friends, only people I see around uni. My parents are ashamed and frankly, disappointed in my depression. They don't understand why I can't try harder, do better, be more social and get a job, etc.
I'm currently in my final year of undergrad doing an honours year. It's draining, yet I feel even more so for me with my depression. I don't really have anyone to talk about my uni work with. I do have people I know in the course and even hang out with people but none of them are particularly interested in me or my ideas. I'm always the listener in every conversation. Nobody knows who I am, and nobody cares. If I died tomorrow, nobody at uni would be too bent out of shape. This has been a common theme in my life as I find it hard to connect to people.
For the past four months I have been particularly depressed and I think about suicide daily. I don't know why I should bother continuing with my life if I cannot perform such a basic human operation as making friends. I reached out to my mum recently, to tell her how I honestly felt and she looked at me in disgust. She wanted to know what I was doing to make myself better. She was frustrated and tired of "having the same conversation" that we have been having ever since I was a child.
I understand why she is frustrated. Who wants a kid with all these problems? How is she supposed to fix it? What can she do if therapy and medications haven't worked?
When your own parents act like you're a burden, what's left? Not a hell of a lot. I was seeing a psychologist but I've used up my 10 medicare subsidised visits. I don't have the money to afford more therapy and this isn't something a short course of CBT can fix.
... so what can I do?
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