Hi I am new to this and not really sure how to express myself but I feel like there are problems in my life that are only getting increasingly detrimental as I get older and I can no longer sweep it under the carpet.
To give a little background and context to this, I am a 22yo male recently graduated from uni, living with my parents with a casual job and unable to progress to the next phase of my life. While I know its just a matter of time for this to pass there has been an aspect of my life that has been a plague to me ever since puberty. As it stands right now I have never had a relationship and as someone with an INTJ personality type I know I shouldnt overly concern myself with it at this age nor does it bother me that much. The reason I am here is because as I get older I get increasingly lonely, as I have friends that are there for me, but as they move on in their own life I cant rely on them for all my social and physical needs. Situations have risen in the past where I could have gotten close to people but something inside me triggers that makes me ruin it or cut all ties from them entirely.
I am a very solitary person and feel like its my own responsibility to resolve my own problems and I have managed well to this point. However there is issue in my life that I have done nothing about apart from bury it and hope I can move past it with time. This issue stems from the fact that I was severely abused (mostly physically initially, more mentally as I became older) by my mother from birth up to even now, albeit significantly less. As this being the normal state of being since my existence I never thought myself affected or even in an abnormal situation. At the age of around 14 I became aware of my situation as I matured emotionally enough to view myself as an independent entity (as opposed to the lifeless husk I felt like living as a child), which led to depression and just generally being confused with life. After many years of soul searching and trying to repair myself to an acceptable level where I feel like a normal human being, I have found myself at an impasse, where in I dont have the ability to receive or reciprocate any form of love or anything beyond a superficial connection with anyone (including family) in my life.
Right now there is someone in my life that I can form a relationship with, however, as with in the past, I find myself extremely disgusted at any form of companionship or commitment with another person. How do I continue?
