A loner who has been silent for years

[Starstorm]

Hello everyone. I am new here. I am a 19 y/o girl who is currently studying in Brisbane. I have been fighting depression, social anxiety and eating disorder alone for years and nothing is working. I come from a single parent family. My father committed suicide at home when I was 6. Since then, I was unable to form normal friendships with the opposite sex because I don't know how to. Every time I am put in a social setting with boys, I panic and others misunderstand me as expressing fondness to them. My mother is controlling and invades my privacy from time to time(through internet). She has stolen my money before and asked me to borrow money from finance companies. I come to Australia not only to study as an international student, but also to escape from home. Everything has been so overwhelming. Knowing that I am too pessimistic, I retreat from others. My mother always tells me not to trust others because they have ulterior motives. I know it is false. But I can't help but distancing away from people. I am always in a dilemma. I am so alone, but I choose to stay alone. I have been to Brisbane for half a year and almost everyday I am by myself. People have asked me out before, but social gatherings put a strain on my finance(my mother does not regularly send money here), also I do not want to deal with the stress while meeting people. I can't stand how others judge me. My overthinking is drowning me literally. So recently, I eat alone, dress alone, go out alone, travel alone, study alone. Yes. I am that of a loner. I start to feel numb to life. I can't feel a thing, as if nothing really matters anymore. It is worse than death, similar to walking dead. I am afraid people would talk behind my back and rumors. I avoid everything at all costs. Still, I am extremely miserable. I can't even muster up the motivation to do the things I like (e.g. art and writing). I just give up hoping. But I am not attempting to die. Just stuck in between.

I would want to ask for advice and possible connection. I feel like I am drifting in the middle of the sea and is sinking. Could anyone help me please?

[white knight]

Hi Starstorm, welcome

Re: " I feel like I am drifting in the middle of the sea and is sinking:

Please read (use google)

Topic: depression, a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

Topic: want to be a hermit?- beyondblue

Topic: so what's their mental illness?- beyondblue

Topic: the gang mentality- beyondblue

Topic: controlling your life, how important is it?- beyondblue

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

I hope you enjoy the reading. There are thousands of threads here

Tony WK

[Zeal]

Hi Starstorm,

Welcome to the forum!

Thanks for introducing yourself! I'm a 24 year old female (still feel 23 though, as my birthday was this month), and I am also studying.

I am deeply sorry to hear about the sudden loss of your father when you were so young. Your Mum does sound controlling and invasive, and it is terrible that she stole your money. Despite living with mental illness, I hope you feel fairly safe in Australia. It sounds as though you haven't been to see a mental health professional about the depression, social anxiety or eating disorder. Dealing with these conditions without this help, and also without emotional support from friends and family, is really tough.

It sounds as though finances are tight. If you are at university, you should be able to access free counselling on-campus. If you are studying at a different institution, there may still be options available to you. Ring the counselling service/centre where you study to make an appointment. Everything you say will be confidential, and the teachers/instructors won't find out. I have used this service before at my uni and found it very helpful.

Here are some resources I recommend you read at some stage:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=37 (depression)

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=48 (overcoming an eating disorder)
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=49 (more about eating disorders)

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=40 (coping with social anxiety)

Saving the above resources to your computer for reference is a good idea. I suggest reading through only one of these resources at a time, so you don't overwhelm yourself. You could just read parts if you have limited time. Being a student, I imagine you already have plenty to do! I start uni next week. I am studying Postgraduate Counselling and Psychotherapy this year. What are you studying?

If you'd like to talk to someone at any time of day or night, the 24/7 Beyondblue helpline is on 1300 22 4636. The Kids Helpline (for under 25's) is on 1800 55 1800.

It would be great to hear back from you! 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[MsPurple]

Hi Starstorm

Sorry to hear about your father and family situation. Sorry to hear about your financial situation. I know the struggles of trying to complete uni, pay rent and lending money to family. I had to lend money to family as well and it was a lot of pressure to put on me. It can elevate your anxiety especially if money is one of your triggers. I found that making a budget really helped me. I would also allow some wiggle room for in case I needed to do something that wasn't planned (e.g. dental work etc). Although it is hard to stick to a budget it did help me as it reminded me of what days bills and rent was due.

It sounds like you have aspects of social anxiety. You are anxious about being around people and worry what they think of you. Have you talked to someone about this? Have you considered using university counselling services. These are generally low cost. I went to headspace while I was at uni. It is a low cost youth mental health service with locations in Brisbane. See if you are eligible to use this service as it can help you with a wide range of issues (they have counsellors, social workers and doctors). Have you also registered with disability services through your university. I only found out about it in my final year of study. It is a service for those with a disability, whether it is physical or mental health issues that could affect your ability to complete your studies. It is a great safety net. For me because I had an academic plan I was able to go to appointments during placements and if I needed an extension I was more likely to get it approved. I would look into your universities disability services. They don't have to tell your lectures if you don't want them to.

Have you tried any at home techniques to reduce your anxiety. If I feel a panic attack or get elevated anxiety I try deep breathing. You can get a breathing app by Beyond Blue on your smartphone. I also try some meditation before bed. I has helped me with my social anxiety (although I do get therapy and other treatment) and it helps stop my racing mind. I use the app Calm.

I hope some you can use some of these suggestions especially the disability services. Keep us updated.