Confused and Disorientated

[Nickname_AD7FECE8-2D7C-49]

Hey Guys,

I've been doing a lot of reading for a long time (about 2 years) surrounding depression and anxiety with their corresponding symptoms. To be honest I feel like personally I align with a lot of these symptoms especially in the last year as it has gotten a lot worse. I have cut myself off from nearly all of my friends (except the ones willing to put up with long bouts of silence and erratic behaviour) and I've been feeling so down that sometimes I sit in my desk chair all day (mostly writing and staring at the screen) whilst constantly worrying about my inactivity. I've moved out of home recently and that hasn't exacerbated the problem at all but now that my family is so far away and I don't have anyone around me that I know very well. I feel more isolated than I ever have in my life, not that I would ask anyone I know for help with this as I wouldn't really want them to worry about me. Even though I have moved here with a friend he lives on campus while I live in a sharehouse and he is not really interested or aware of my moods. I was an idiot to cut myself off from all my friends but I can't seem to help it.

But to some extent I'm not sure if I am depressed I'm 19 and some people have it some much worse than me. I'm young and still really a teenager and I can be prone to ridiculous mood swings that can last for weeks and I have no control over. I dont want to hurt myself, I just feel incredibly apathetic. So much so that I think if something bad happened to me I couldn't really bring myself to care. I'm not really confident enough to talk about any feelings that I have with anyone as it causes a lot of embarrassment for me, even happy feelings are something I dont feel I can express to anyone. Normally, I just put up some sort of erratic childish comedic facade. I can't seem to accept the fact that there could possibly be something wrong with me as when I'm low, I'm very low but when I'm on a high it's like it never happened and that I worry about nothing. This has been going on for years and I think I've written it off as just teenage hormones but now I'm really worrying about it to the point of being catatonic. But I don't know if it serious enough to actually get help for.

Thanks for reading the ramble. 🙂

[Zeal]

Hey, welcome to the forum!

The issues you have described are definitely worth seeking help for. There are always going to be people who have it worse off, but this doesn't take away from the fact that you need and deserve help.
Pushing people away emotionally is unfortunately a common by-product of depression, as you know. Living in this isolated situation isn't helpful either, but it sounds as though moving out of home didn't exacerbate the depression and mood swings. These dramatic highs and lows in mood could be indicative of a more complex mental illness, such as Bipolar. It is crucial that you make an appointment with a doctor (GP) soon. Printing out your post above to show the doctor is a neat way to approach the session. Bringing a notepad to write down advice given to you is also important.

Talking to a close family member about what you're going through is crucial. This Beyondblue page has tips on talking about mental illness with others: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it#findwords

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal