Life doesnt seem worth living anymore

James1234 · ‎17-01-2015

hi everyone,

I'm 21 and have been struggling with depression and social anxiety for 3-4 years now, I have never felt comfortable with my self in that time, every time I'm talking to so someone, even friends or family, I feel like I have nothing to say, which really gets to me because I just want to have a conversation, or have a laugh and express myself, but most of the time I'm just saying nothing and being awkward, and when I do talk I just ask pointless questions just for the sake of saying something, and I'm constantly in my head and never present with what's going on around me.

This effects me in all areas of life, in previous jobs, I get really anxious before starting work or during work, trying to figure out what I can talk about to other workers, and distracts me from actually doing my job,. Relationships with girls, same story don't know what to say, don't know how to be myself. always constantly trying to think of something to say, and never actually talking.

I have been trying the last 3 years to improve on it, Putting myself out there more, talking when I don't feel like it, but my depression has really gotten to me now and haven't left the house in over 3-4 weeks, just don't see the point in trying anymore, who wants to be around someone who doesn't talk and is just depressed all the time,

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Neil_1 · ‎18-01-2015

Hi James

Thanx so much for sharing this post and also, welcome to Beyond Blue.

Dude, I'm hearing what you're saying - there are so many of us out there who find it so difficult to be in conversations; hell, let alone try and start one up.

But with regard to that - don't feel that you have to start one up - I think that's a big key, otherwise, it'll stress and pressure you too much. If you know a little about your work colleagues, that can be very useful if you are really wishing to strike something up. Whether they've got kids; whether they've got a dog or a pet; whether they drive a Jeep (whoops, dunno why I said that, must be watching too many ads on TV). Or sports; if they show interest in any of the sports being played. And the thing is, you don't necessarily need to have an interest; (if you do then that's a massive bonus, cause then you can have follow up on the conversation and add further things).

But generally, if people are asked a question, about how their weekend was? Did they get out and do anything of interest or see anything of interest, they'll usually respond back with what they did.

And believe me, you can still be highly depressed when doing all this; it's just a matter of bearing up when you're out in front of people; putting on a mask, if you so wish so that no-one sees how you're really feeling inside.

But for a lot of time at work, I see a lot of people who don't necessarily talk too much - and you know what, it's fine; it's ok that people are like that.

I hope you receive other responses as well; and I do hope that I've been able to say something that has been a little useful to you. I also hope that you can write back to let us know how you're going.

Neil

geoff · ‎18-01-2015

dear James, thanks for posting your comment, and what a great reply from Neil as what he has said is a typical way on how to a conversation.

I have had a few years in the pub industry and when someone comes in the publican has to start the the conversation, so you ask them what they did over the week end, so they drop a few hints such as 'I went to the football', then bingo you can ask where or what team they support, and 'then did you play for that team', and off it goes, what position did you play etc.

For a female they too love the football, so you can ask them the same question, and if by chance they say 'I hate football', don't worry because you ask a question about what sport or activity they like, the whole idea is to ask them first and what they like, and not to start off about you yourself, because that will turn them right off.

So the situation is WHAT THEY LIKE first and then they will ask about yourself, and if by any chance you say 'nothing' then the conversation will end, so try not to say this, just open up a bit. Geoff.

James1234 · ‎18-01-2015

Cheers Geoff and Neil for your comments,

I understand what you are saying, but even around my own family or friends I've known for years feels like I can't just talk naturally to them, like my mind is blank all the time, and the only thoughts are about how depressed I am, and when I don't talk it makes me more anxious/ depressed, its a vicious cycle I've created in my own head.

Also I use to be pretty social person this is really getting to me, Like when im with my friends there talking about all sorts of things, and cracking jokes, ect and just flowing conversations, and I just want to be apart of that, but my mind is blank and struggling to even get a word in,

It's like I've lost the ability to just be myself, and express my self, and being depressed I've lost a lot of interest in my life, hobbies ect so when people ask about me, I don't give them much, life is just really dull, and hanging out with friends and just being with family is a big part of life and I cant even do that, I wish I could just go back to my old self again

Neil_1 · ‎19-01-2015

Hi there James1234

Thanx so much for your latest response; and for giving a bit more insight to how you’re feeling.

Ok, so with family (and even perhaps, good friends) the scenario can be a little different. In that, they pretty much know you well and vice versa and as a result, in most instances it should be ok to just be yourself. If you’re quiet; then you’re quiet – but you’re there and you’re listening, etc. I guess the question though is: do your family/friends know of your battle with depression? Because if they do, then being quiet and subdued would be perfectly acceptable and they should acknowledge that. If they don’t know, then perhaps, would you feel ok to possibly open up to one member or one friend who you feel the most comfortable with?

Have you been able to get to see a GP about how you’re travelling? If so, have they been able to provide any assistance or advice to you?

Neil