Depression, Anxiety... I hate my life

[Vulpix]

Hey there, My name is Ryan. I am currently 20 years old and I'm not in a good state.

 A bit about myself, I love sports, exercise, working out, technology, Gaming. At least, I used to, I find myself not intested in anything these days, even stuff I was into my whole life..... I've never been a big social person, I've always kept to myself and I'm rather shy.

I've been bullied most of my schooling life, I do not understand why... Probably the way I reacted to bullies that made them do it more.... I was bullied constantly from Grade 1 up until Grade 7, mainly verbal but physical when it was larger groups. I changed schools twice and it still happened... I must be an easy target... In year 7, it finally stopped... I was bigger than the bully and one day I completely snapped and beat 2 of them to the point one of them had to go to the hospital and have stitches. I received 2 weeks in-door suspension, where I was in the School Office and did work there. The bullies, not even touched... My parents were frustrated with the school and how they got away with it... 

I thought it would change with Highschool. All was good up until Grade 10, it started again... Pretty much all verbal with the occasional pushing / shoving... Being a Private School, I wasn't expecting this to happen again but it did. I spent time with the Principle and School Councilor to try and sort it out... One kid got expelled but the others were still there, up until year 12. 

At the start of year 12, my friends ditched me... I do not know why, we were good friends and had the same interests... I spent my year 12 alone and depressed and it ended up effecting my final ATAR... 

The bullying wasn't the only thing that made me depressed... Games by girls that completely ruined my trust for females... Year 10, it was a school camp and I had a crush on a girl. Everybody knew it and they decided to play me. Leading me on for days up until I asked her out, only to be rejected and find everybody laughing behind some bushes... She was in on it too. Year 11, another girl I got along with really well... She was new to the school. We had a date planned but the day before she went to a party and got with some other guys, completely breaking my heart... I am rather sensitive.

I am running out of characters here but this is only a part of my story. I am alone, depressed, anxious and work at a Supermarket, which I hate might I add... I have no life ambitions and all I do is sit at my computer all the time...  

[Neil_1]

Hi there Ryan

Mate, I’d like to extend a really big welcome to you to Beyond Blue.  Thank you so much for coming here & providing your post.

There’s positives here & yes negatives too.  But I’ll deal with the negatives first – bullying.

One of my biggest pet hates in the world – & the unfortunate thing with bullying is, it’s not just linked with adolescents within schools – it also happens out there in the big round world.  Have you ever wondered why they say the whole wide world even now, when in fact it’s not wide at all.  Great question Neil, but let’s get back on track.

Now I shouldn’t condone violence in any way shape or form, but when I read that you ‘snapped’ & beat up your attackers, I had a ‘feel good’ moment.  Good on you dude.  I hope that the males ceased their antics over you after you had the Principal & Counsellor looking into things for you – still, it’s not a pleasant way to function each day.  You must be so incredibly glad that it’s over.

So Ryan, you’re here, you do have a job (& yes, it’s possibly not what you want or that I definitely hear that you hate it), but it is a job & if you’re now seeking other alternative employment it’s super important to be employed – because of the simple fact that people who are looking for job candidates do look more highly on someone who is working, as opposed to not.  It shows to them, that the person is keen, motivated & able to hold down a job.

At this stage I won’t mention special professional help, such as going to a GP – I’ll wait to hear back from you on that score.

More positives are the things you mention near the start – of your interests & hobbies.  Ok, at the moment life ambitions aren’t there for you – but that to me is a massive goal – I’m mean, I’m 49yo & I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up.

Maybe if you can break things down a bit & create ‘little’ goals for yourself.  You sound half like me & half like my 16yo son:  like me is your interest in sports, exercise & working out;  & you know what, they are awesome, very awesome things to undertake.  A healthy body really can help with a healthy mind.  Your other half sounds like my son: technology, gaming (one of my son’s faves that he’s always on is DOTA – don’t know if you’ve heard of that at all).  AND he spends so much of his time in front of his computer in his room.

Now I’m running out of characters – hope to hear back from you.

Neil

[anchat]

Hey Ryan,

Thanks for posting your story here. I am extremely sorry to hear about everything that you've been through over the years, I have been occasionally bullied in school but not nearly as severe as what you've been through, and can only imagine the pain and consequences that come with it. With the verbal abuse- one thing that helped me out though, which I'm sure you know on some level too, is that this is all a reflection of their issues, and their flaws - their failure in being a decent human being. You might think of this as a bubble, that reflects away anything that anyone might say to you, because it is irrelevant and unimportant. 

 Your interests and hobbies are very similar to mine, and I would recommend setting yourself tiny goals everyday, make a list of what you want to do even if it seems not worth making a list for. A book you want to read, a personal goal- run 5k... and in the end of the day fill in a gratitude diary. 3 things you were grateful for from the day. Doesnt have to be anything life changing... a game you played, a movie you watched. anything. just fill it in.

The situation with the girls, let me share with you something that I've learnt first hand this year. Once you start doing what you love.. this stuff usually falls into place. Its very easy to fall into the pattern of thinking that the world's against us, but love comes to us when we start loving ourselves. For example...do you like running? maybe join a running club. Not only will you be doing what you love, but you'll be doing it with like minded people.

I'm sure you've heard all of this stuff before, but I hope this helps in some way shape of form.

 Remember, you're not alone!

Hope to hear back soon

Anwesha 

[zailleh]

Hi Ryan,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. I'm new here myself, actually.

You probably won't find it hard to believe that your story sounds similar to mine in the details. The social rejection started when I was around 10 years old. Mostly the only things I remember from my teen years are the bad things. I remember, like you, being used by girls, rejected / ditched by friends for doing well in tests, for not being funny enough; you name it.

The funny thing is I got over the bullying but the depression remained. I've only just found out that I'm depressed (what they call melancholic depression) - I didn't even know; I just thought it's how I was. The important thing, though, is that there is hope for things to get better.

Personally, I've found that despite my lack of interest in exercise, if I force myself to do it I feel better. It took some time but I just started doing it; it didn't have to effective or pretty, I just said to myself "at least start". Eventually it became a habit. 

I hope that by being here you can begin to feel better -- that's my hope too.

~ZaiLLeH::

[Vulpix]

Oh wow, thankyou for the replies... They were so fast!

I've noticed that you all suggest I try and join some teams / hobbies with others... I've never been big on socializing. I've always been inside, by myself with the occasional friend visiting. I never wanted to do anything else other than sports or Video Games.... And it's still that way today. I've always been very anxious and relied on others to push me forward. More so that I'm not doing things for myself, but for others and have no real say on the matter. For instance, getting a job, finishing school, what school I went to... I "went for the ride", I didn't really have a say because I didn't know and wasn't willing to give things a try... Now this isn't with everything, as I was always signing up for sports etc. but I've never been one to be outgoing. I forgot to mention in my first post that. I have been self harming myself... I never thought I would bring myself to do it but it just happened... I've done it twice. I was hoping that people would notice, but they obviously didn't think it was anything.....

I'm very anxious and really do not want to approach anybody about this situation... I mean, online is different but in real life it would literally overwhelm me and that is why I am here to get some help / confidence so I can get my life back on track. Even now replying to this thread, I am incredibly anxious, doubting my post and if you guys would even take me seriously or if I am making myself look like an idiot...

Anyways, thankyou for the reply.. I'll be checking back here sometime soon!

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[White_Rose]

Dear Ryan

Welcome to BB, glad to have you on board.  Nothing sounds silly here and no one is an idiot. We take everything seriously because we have all been in the same place as you. The cause may be different but the outcome is the same. Pain, anxiety, depression, the desire to hide away.

The folk here will support you as much as possible, offer advice and suggestions which you can take on board or not as you feel comfortable. I see the Beyond Blue moderator has contacted you. Please consider carefully any advice you have been given and remember someone is at the end of the phone 24/7. That person will also take you seriously and help as much as possible,

It is a common response to the suggestion to talk to your GP to be nervous. Believe me, they have seen it all and a good GP is a fantastic help. If you do not have a GP then search the tabs above to find a GP experienced in mental health issues.  BB has a list which you can search by postcode.

I'm not sure other posters have suggested that you join a team of any sort. What others have suggested is that you set small goals for yourself each day and pat yourself on the back when they have been achieved. You are interested in fitness which is great. There is a huge link between physical and mental fitness. Exercise releases beneficial chemicals which help you to feel better. Most people agree they feel better after exercise.

Computer games etc are enjoyable but they do tend to cut you off from other people, which is also a good thing now and then.  We all need our down time on our own. But consider other activities they you have enjoyed and pick them up again. Go and sit in the park and watch the world go by. Sometimes someone will start to talk to you. I do it myself. The conversation is impersonal and non-threatening and you probably will never see that person again. I don't mean tell your life story, just chat about the world. It's a nice way to start interacting with people again and you can leave whenever you like.

Do you have any pets? A dog makes a great companion and taking it for walks can also lead to casual conversations. Or offer to take the neighbour's dog for a walk, especially if the owner cannot do it for some reason. You will also be doing a kind deed which makes you feel good about yourself. Start small and gradually find other activities as you become more relaxed.

Most of all I do urge you to see a doctor and start your journey from there.

Kind regards

Mary

[Krystal]

hi ryan that is so sad because I know what you are going through sometimes I just feel like hated when I was in highschool and primary school I was not really popular I got threatened by the girl who I thought was my friend but really was my enemy feeling so depressed and and so much anxiety builds up when you are feeling so alone so helpless and feel so down trust me I would know