Its so hard

[freemefrommydemons]

I feel like my heart is broken. I never thought it would hurt this much to lose a friend, and by lose I mean she just stopped talking to me. She was my absolute best friend, she meant the world to me and she knew that. Now she is ignoring my messages and wont respond to me, im trying so hard to hold on but I never thought it would be this hard. I havent stopped crying for a week, I never cry but the tears wont stop. How do you hold on when the person who means so much to you wont talk to you? Why did this happen? Im so overly confused and hurt. The depression has snuck back in so bad that I feel like my body is heavy and I can't move, like I am paralysed lying on my bed unable to move or speak. It hurts. 
Im seeing my psych tomorrow, and I hope she can help me understand this. Im finding it harder to hold on, and I feel selfish and inconsiderate that my other very best and close friends are trying to get me through it but I cant listen to them, or its as if I cant hear what they are saying because all I want to do is escape. I either sleep too much, or dont sleep at all. Shower twice a day or dont shower for a week and there is no inbetween. I thought I was mostly on top of these mental illnesses, but I guess its not that simple. 
Does anyone have any kind words?

[Neil_1]

Dear Free Me

Hey, firstly I'm really sorry that your post hasn't had a response till now - things are getting so hectic and busy on this site, but that's still no excuse.

I do hope you're still around - how did your appointment go the other day??  Did it provide you with any insights or mechanisms on how to cope.

Do you feel that your relationship with your best friend is not retrievable??  Is she just making everything so difficult for you and won't respond back??

It is so pleasing to read that your other friends are reaching out to you - that's a big positive for you.  Even if you can just take on one of those friends and be with them for a little while - to talk and to let loose ( you know like vent ) - that might be a good outlet for you.

I do hope you're able to get back to us.

Kind regards

Neil

[Doolhof]

Dear FMFMD,

I have just seen your post, and like Neil, I am so sorry you have not received any other replies or recognition for your hurt and pain, and do hope you will get back to us with how you are feeling.

It can feel like the bottom has fallen out of our world when our closest friend and people we love no longer desire to be in our lives for what ever reason. I wish I had the words to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your friend. You may never understand what has happened to the friendship. If you had an answer to the reason your friend stop contacting you, that might make life a little easier to understand, but the hurt and the sadness would still be there to a certain degree.

I hope your appointment has helped you and you are able to let in your other friends to help you. When we loose a loved one for any reason, we know we can never replace them, as everyone is so individual. I hope you can see the good qualities in the people around you and you appreciate their love and care for you.

I wish I had a solution to your problem. Please know I care and hope you are able to find solace for your hurt and pain. Thinking of you, from Dools.

[geoff]

dear Free Me, like what Neil and Dools has said I hope that you still read your post, maybe BB will email you.

When a really close friend just vanishes from contact, it is very upsetting, not only for your sake but you don't know what has happened to her, as there maybe a medical problem which she is too frightened to tell anyone, or perhaps she too has depression, but this doesn't make it any easier for you.

Just wondering whether any of your close friends have seen her and even talking to her friends, then you will know whether or not she has any of the problems I have mentioned.

I am wondering if you have OCD, and I say this because of a couple of comments you have made.

At the moment your other close friends and what they are saying to you to try and help you deal with this sad situation won't make any difference, because you are only thinking about the girl that has gone without letting you know.

This is very difficult to deal with because you just wanted to know why, so I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[freemefrommydemons]

Thank you all for your replies, it makes me feel very welcomed. I have had the most difficult few weeks I am not going to lie. There was a point where I didn't think I was going to make it through it, it was the worst depression I have been hit with in a very long time. I did see my psych, I was going to skip it but I knew that I needed to speak to her. She really did help me through it, and made me realize that there was other causes also, my older brother moved out of home (he was my hero I guess?) and I saw the mother of one of my sexual abusers but I didnt process it which resulted in everything hitting me harder. I had finally had gotten to a day where I didn't cry (on tuesday) until I had to go to the doctors (as I crushed my foot with a weight - and needed some s/h checked out), the doctor told me I needed stitches so my mum was waiting in the room for a while and she got so mad, telling me she knew about the s/h and was so angry and disappointed and so I cried, again. I didn't stop crying, my emotions were escalated so much. My friend finally replied after my last attempt to contact her, I told her that there was no way I was going to let her go, our friendship was way to valuable and that I just wanted her to talk to me and tell  me what was going on, and if she was okay and so we have planned to meet up and chat, its scary but I love her. 

Mostly I seem to be doing okay, I am still crying a lot and confused but my friends are just so amazing. I don't feel as if I deserve such amazing people in my life. At the moment rather then trying to figure everything out I am just focusing on uni work and when I need deep breathing, and mindfullness. 

I am happy to say I havent s/h in a week (thats the longest in a while! Yay progress) and I do not have suicidal thoughts at the moment, which is great, because they are so hard to deal with

and Geoff, to your question I have had OCD tendancies on my record? but ive never been diagnosed with OCD

Thank you all again

[Neil_1]

Hi Free Me

Thank you so much for getting back to us and giving us the latest update.  I'm sorry to hear that your mum was angry with you about your s/h episode.  That's possibly not the way we would like someone close to react in this situation;  I hope that she has calmed down somewhat now.

Cherish your friends and do realise as well that you ARE worth it - you're worth the effort that they are putting towards you to help and be there for you. That really sounds wonderful.

One week with no s/h - I'm so pleased you've mentioned this because YES, you should feel damn proud of yourself with this.  That IS a major achievement.  Little goals is what we're after. 

And another on the suicide thinking as well - another major achievement.

So though your week was extremely hard and difficult for you, I can see a real sense of achievement and positiveness that shone through near the end of the week.

Be proud of yourself Free Me.  I am proud of you.

And please I hope you can continue to stay here and chat with us for as long as you feel ok to do so.

Neil

[Doolhof]

Hi FMFMD,

It has been a little while since you have posted anything, so I hope you have managed to continue along positively with all aspects of your life. Like Neil wrote, you are do extremely well and you should be so proud of yourself.

Set backs may happen, but you have proven you are strong enough to get through and win your battles. Excellent.

I hope you have managed to talk with your friend and have been able to resolve what ever happened there. Maybe your friend had issues as well.

Maybe your Mum reacted the way she did because she doesn't know any other way to respond. Some people show their love and concern in ways we don't always appreciate or understand. I hope your Mum has been able to show you love and caring in other ways as well.

Figuring life out is great when we have the strength and the ability to do so, I like how you are concentrating on your Uni, using Mindfulness and Breathing, they are great skills to have.

Your friends sound amazing, I am so happy for you that you have them around supporting you!

Wishing you well and hoping you will keep us updated on your progress, or contact us all here again if you need to anytime. All the ebst to you,

From Dools