It's now or never: social anxiety and jealousy

[h12]

Hey all, any thoughts and/or advice more than welcome.

I'll try to be concise: I'm a 22 year old guy. Unemployed, not studying. Never been social, always too held back by anxiety etc - so I've only ever had a small group of friends in school, and since the end of that they have gradually diminished to the point of there now being only a couple of friends who I rarely talk to. I've only ever been to a couple of parties and didn't speak to a girl outside my family until I was 20. I've been living with my parents, severely depressed for years and with terrible anxiety and OCD.

Before a couple of years ago, I only thought occasionally about the fact that I'd like more social contact, didn't feel overly jealous of people I knew of who had insane amounts of social opportunities and had somehow resigned myself to the fact I just wasn't someone who would know girls or ever be intimate/in a relationship. Now it's all different: that stuff is all I can think about and feeds into a constant, gut wrenching jealously and longing to be close to other young people.

I decided to do something about it. I've arranged to try and join a local club for young people which has a focus on outdoor activities, which is an interest for me. The first meeting is this Sunday night. Obviously I've got lots of concerns so I'll list a few and maybe someone could respond to some:

- I'm very concerned about my intense social anxiety making me freeze up and get into panic attacks. General tips on how to overcome this?

- Obviously introducing myself to girls and talking to them makes me very nervous - I can't shake persistent thoughts about them being potential people to be in relationships with, and can't stop thinking about them judging my physical appearance (yeah my self esteem is non-existent). General advice for this in the context of people my age?

- I'm concerned about being jealous of the people who are already there - this comes from imagining what great social lives they've already had, how much sexual contact they've had etc.

- I'm concerned about just not fitting in with their personality types - and perhaps my worst fear is the whole thing being a disaster and setting off a major relapse in my depression.

I feel like this situation presents a 'now or never' moment for me - either it works or I get sent back home to suffer a lot more. And it's been a crushing, brutal uphill climb to get to this point.

[geoff]

hello, I believe your OCD has a large part in causing these problems, because there is a lot of anxiety coming from what you have told us.
At school we always tend to say to out mates 'we'll catch up soon' or 'I'll give you a ring' but this rarely happens simply because everybody goes their own way, so contact between all of you doesn't happen, but what I would like to know is how bad is your OCD, and don't be afraid because I've had it for 57 years, so it would be great to hear back from. Geoff.

[h12]

Hey Geoff, thanks very much for replying. With my OCD, it's a bit unusual in that it's mostly thought based. Hard to go through every aspect of it, but to give you some idea it involves feeling compelled to constantly form very rigid, carefully worded mental lists of trivial things and then constantly recite them in my mind over and over. Lots of other obsessions to do with having to understand things in a really structured way, as well as stuff to do with physically cleaning things etc. I've had it for about 4 years and sometimes I spend hours each day stuck in behaviour related to it.

Anyway yeah I agree the OCD and social anxiety are probably very much tied together. What I'm hoping to learn are some practical things I can do when meeting new people to try and make it as smooth a process as possible. Thanks, Hugh

[white knight]

Hi H,

Practical ideas for coping and avoiding panic attack.

Prior to arriving at the venue take deep slow breaths

Divert your mind eg a computer game

Arrive 10 minutes early. No good 5 minutes late everyone will stare at you.

Think realistically. Other people although appear confident often are not so. You might think they have success in areas but often it is a perception.

Girl love one thing over and above appearance- humour and them being treated as a unique princess. You will have humour inside. Release it? It might be in the form of telling jokes or dry humour about actions of tripping over etc

Google... Topic: the best praise youll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: confidence, how do you get it?- beyondblue

And smile to yourself ad you walk in. Congratulations in making effort.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hi Hugh, thanks for getting back to us and I can totally understand what you are saying, I know what you mean, I just wonder if you can wait until I log on in the morning as I start very early in the morning, but don't worry I will address what you have said, because I can relate to all of this, in the mean time other people will join in and thanks Tony for doing so. Geoff.

[topsy_]

Hi Hugh, in the olden days we used to be advised to imagine everyone else in their birthday suit! It can be quietly amusing.

I don't have much wisdom on OCD but I think you are great even having a go. Even just getting there will be a huge success. Give yourself a great big slap on the back for bravery & guts.

I wish you well Hugh, cheers Lyn.

[geoff]

hi Hugh, to other people who don't have OCD, they believe that everyone who does have this illness to be quite extraordinary, because it's incomprehensible why we have to do these habits/rituals, but for us it's something that does control our mind just as depression does, however it is included under the description of anxiety and to me this means depression.
There is nothing wrong when you say 'that it's thought based' because that's what OCD is, it tells us what to do, in other words, it's not unusual.
You should not worry about feeling like what it does, because it creates a list of trivial things in our mind, but to us they aren't trivial, we have to do them, no matter what, and no matter how someone wants to try and stop us, it's impossible because we can't stop, it's an illness.
Over all the years I've had it my habits/rituals have changed, maybe because a change in residence or any other circumstances that aren't the same as once before.
Remember it's something in our head that tells us we have to do something, not once, twice but depends on what number you have in your mind, for me it's 4 but I could do it more than 4, but as long as I count to 4, even though I might do it 10 times, but as long as I count to 4.
Now I have learnt that I have to hide it, so no one will know, and remember being in with my psychologist and asked her if she saw what I was doing, but she didn't notice.
Don't punish yourself for doing all of these habits/rituals, because it's OCD telling you that it has to be done, otherwise your anxiety will go berserk.
Please get back to me, it's great to talk with you. Geoff.

[h12]

White knight, Geoff, yellownanna, thanks all for taking the time to respond - I really appreciate it.

I totally understand what you're saying Geoff, and it helps to hear it from another person who's really experienced it with OCD. I'm only quite young I suppose, and the thought of having it for years and years ahead of me is quite daunting. But I've tried to think about it as something to get under control as best I can, but not to hope to completely get rid of it (probably the same with other aspects of my mental illness too). Instead, get it to best point I reasonably can then accept what remains of it as part of who I am - accept it as part of my life going on. Thanks for your wisdom on the topic. You're a legend for taking so much time to help not only me but all the others on the forums. It's inspiring to me.

White knight and yellownanna, thanks very much for your tips. I've got a few hours until I go to this club meeting, and am feeling more calm than I might have expected. Trying to get myself in the mindset of having no expectations either way of how it'll turn out.

Hugh