Is there something wrong with me?

[_Starlight_]

where do i begin? it has taken some time.. more like years to have find courage to finally do something about how i've been feeling. And it's finally happening, as i cannot take this anymore. This is so hard for me to talk about and finding the words to express how i really feel. I've been feeling this way since i was 13 years old. Struggling to fit in with everybody and being accepted by everybody. I cant help but backspace everything i've been writing because i feel so embarrassed  and ashamed.. ill try again hopefully. I was bullied badly the first 2 years of High School which resulted me into self harming and thinking that i was worthless and a nobody. which then resulted into wanting to end my life which i told my few friends that i was going to do it. they were so worried about me, i ended up seeing a School Counsellor, thanks to her the bullying stopped. After it all stopped i still felt like i was worthless and a nobody, i tried to ignore it, and pretended and fought and told myself everything was okay. it helped but those feelings were still there.

I've had a hard time over the years as iv'e mentioned before trying to fit in, wanting to be that girl who is well liked and has a group of friends who go shopping and have fun etc.  you know those  words "be happy" well that hasn't been me. I've been used by so many so called friends trusting them thinking they were my friends and ended up being those friends that just soak up all your good energy to make themselves feel better.. trying to be that girl that would do anything for anyone and just get's everything thrown back into my face. I've been trying so hard to pick myself up for the last 4 years and start fresh and think positive, and everything will be okay but for the last year i've just been thinking negative and it is getting worse and worse..just like when i was getting

bullied, those dark feelings again taking me over.. x10 worse to the point where, why am i even here? does anyone actually care about me? why am i feeling so worthless? why am i so ugly. why doesn't anyone want to be my friend?  am i honestly that bad of a person? I question myself do i even have a purpose in life? do i have a future or is this going to keep happening for the rest of my life.. I tried to speak to my mum about seeing a Psychologist it took me a week to work the courage up to do so, but she wanted to know why, and i couldn't tell her why.. i dont know what to do anymore, i dont want to be here anymore..

[MrsCam]

thats great that you have an appointment and a caring friend to help you get there... If you are worried that you may not be able to verbalize everything when you get there you could always try writing it all down between now & then...

goodluck

[AGrace]

Hi Starlight,

I think Mrs Cam has a good point. When you feel nervous and embarrassed it can be difficult to find the right words to say. I took my diary to my first Psychiatrists appointment and when she asked my favourite questions "How are you? Whats brought you here today?" I simply responded by saying "Can I just read you my last few journal entries?" ...And thats exactly what I did. Ive now had plenty of sessions and there are times when I still use this technique.

Glad you're seeking some help, im interested to hear how you go.

AGrace

[Neil_1]

Dear Starlight;

I'm so pleased that you've found your way back here, because you obviously are in need of support - you know, we all wish (in a totally good way) that you hadn't posted or come back - cause that would mean that you were better - or hopefully better.

I know what I was meaning to say there - I just hope it came out in a nice fashion.  So I do hope you make sense out that opening para.

Starlight, that is so great to hear that you've been able to seek out an appointment for a psyche.  Were you recommended to this psyche by your GP or your family friend?

Great responses by Mrs C and AGrace with regard to the 'writing of issues down' or the 'diary journal' option.  That would give the psyche something definite to use and may save you stress or worry for making sure you can cover all issues at the appointment time - just for the record, I use this writing trick as well.

That is so brilliant to hear that you've got a family friend who's able to take you - and also by the sound of it, will be a good support for you as well.  Yes, we can support you here, but it's not like the kind of "in person" support that we need.  Someone we can either email, text, phone up, or have come visit - a listening ear or a supportive shoulder to lean on.

Hey and for the record, try not to beat yourself up about the bus thing and school.  The only time I tried to miss the bus, I was successful.  We lived on a farm, so I had to walk about half an hour back home.  So pleased and proud of myself I was - to arrive home and say, "Well the bus didn't come today, so I'm home today".  What happened to me next?

Well within 20 minutes or so, I was in my classroom at school !  Mum, drove me to school!   😞  😞  😞   Yes, a very sad story.

Neil