is survival possible?

[cluelesd]

Is survival possible? I ask myself this over and over again lately. Its weird I never thought this would be me, this person. I had all these ideas as a kid of what I wanted when I was older and how things would go. I was brought up loved, supported, cared for, I have no right to be unhappy so many people in this world are so much worse off than me. Yet here I am at 24, a world away from the person I wanted to be and the person I feel I should be....24, single, unemployed, lonely, misserable , failing uni student..... 8 years ago I was officially diagnosed with anxiety, lots of drs, lots of medications, lots of side effects, lots of therapists and I was making progress untill I got assualted out of nowhere. A person walked up to me when I was out with a friend, they didnt say a thing, I didnt even see them comming, just grabbed me from behind and beat the hell out of me. Scared me so so much. Every person became a risk & to say it made my anxiety worse is an understatement. A month or so later I got diagnosed with a health condition which caused me to gain alot of weight & caused several other problems, making me hate myself, my body & basicly the universe...somewhere through it all depression landed itself at my door and I found myself absolutely astonished that psycological pain could actually physically make my heart ache.my  downward spiral was then added to by my aunty being diagnosed with terminal cancer and finally her passing a few months ago. I miss her every single day and cry myself to sleep often. The only thing I want is to have her back, yet I know I cant....my heart is broken added ontop of a life that was already broken. The pain of such a lose ontop of already having servere depression resulted in me starting to hurt myself (another something I never ever thought would be part of my story).....I have a psychiatrist,  I have a psychologist,  I take medication for my anxiety, my depression and to help me sleep......I feel so alone though, the pain never ends, it feels unbearable and that scares me because it just hurts so much.... Is survival possible? And if it is how? Because the pain and suffering that comes with depression and loss seem to be a never ending nightmare of my exsistence that I dont know how to get through

[geoff]

dear Mares, thanks Mares, an interesting question but what I have to say means that it worked for me, but it may not work for you or any other people, which isn't giving you any credit, but I hope you know what I am trying to say.

No I had no support when I decided to change from being an alcoholic to become a social drinker, so I had to do it by myself.

Both my 2 sons were living in Melb. as I was in country Vic. a couple of hours away, I got encouragement from people, but nothing to help me, so they said 'good on you Geoff', but that's it, as they didn't plan my day around not drinking, so it was a decision that I had made myself.

One part of my life was that I was living by myself with my puppie Tessie at that time, but because my life had done a complete circle, so this meant that all those years of depression I decided to put behind me, because there was never ever any way that I could solve any of them, and yes I could have struggled trying to find a solution to them all, but it was impossible, I would never find an answer or answers that I would have been satisfied with.

OK I may have found the answer to one problem or what I thought was the answer, but then it opens up the gates for every other problem, so did I solve it, no probably not, so it's a recurring thought, why this or why that, or it shouldn't have happened to me, why me and not that person who deliberately abuses the system.

So because I had started a new life, I then decided to pack all my problems up, and put them into the 'too hard' basket, just to gather dust.

One day I could bring them up again, and think about them all, but why would I want to do this, because it's been over 8 years since I have tried to solve them, and now I have a new psychologist who is keen to solve my PTSD, but even that I don't worry about.

There maybe other questions you might want to ask me, so go ahead, I just hope that I do read them, and then reply, but if I don't then send a post to me. L Geoff. x

[cluelesd]

Hey geoff, thats so true, my doona sometimes feels like my best friend. I think I struggle alot when it comes to family and friends because I feel like they expect to much from me, its like they want me to progress in life and I want credit for the fact I managed to get up, get dressed, showered and brushed my teeth. But I dont think there is anyway to convey to thoose around you how exceedingly difficult just thoose small things can be. So I go it alone,  I love my family & friends so much, & have put them through so much, they dont deserve to have to put up with my depression aswell. Plus I dont want to scare them or worry them....what you said about all the things you loved doing now being gone rang so true to me. Does it ever worry you that depression is taking away so much, that there might not be anything left at the end of it all? ...I fins it really hard to let go of what depression has taken from me, it just eats at me that ive missed out on so much that I can never get back again and I dont know how to cope with or even accept that? ..its just so damn unfair. (Child tantrum moment)..... I know if I could figure out how to let go of my feelings about the past it would be a huge help but I just dont know how to, how do you accept what breaks your heart? Its just as you said, its that final third I just dont know how to get my head around, how to accept, why, how & what ive lost, I just dont know how? So I hide it all away.....clueless

[cluelesd]

Thanks mares,  I actually have. Ive found the closest gp to me from the list and have the number. Im seeing my current psychiatrist tomorrow though so am going to explain it all to him and if his answer dosent suffice ill call the number I got to make an appointment.I kinda blame life for my current situation not that my condition isnt understood by my current psychologist and psychiatrist. ... like it took a really really long time to find drs I trusted. I went through 4 psychologists and 1 psychiatrist before finding those im seeing now annd I genuinely do trust them.......its so hard to no whats right or wrong to do. I never know what choices to make. Do you struggle with that aswell? Clue 

[cluelesd]

I wonder why my response to you mares has come up but not my response to you geoff =( 

[geoff]

dear Cluelesd,, I'm not sure whether this reply has been shown, however can I say what I have left behind me, and I won't remember everything at the moment, because it's my knock off time, which I am dearly sorry for, but others will continue your post.

Anyway I could have said to my wife (ex) that I don't want a divorce because I still love you, and although it's been tough for you and the boys for along time, I just want you back in my life, so you can move away temporarily and I will take action to stop my drinking, or at least only drink for a couple of hours a night, but she never believed me, because I have tried before and always failed, so this is another reason why I limited my drinking to only social.

I now had this behind my back, I didn't have to put up with her nagging me all the time, 'don't have another drink, you're had plenty', so that's why I became a cupboard drinker, but when I was by myself, there was no nagging, no pressure, so I could do what I wanted to do.

Now can you tell me what is the greatest nagging problem for you, and Mares can also add to this, plus anyone else who has a problem that they can't seem to overcome. L Geoff. x

[cluelesd]

Morning, I guess for me its not so much a specific topic that I feel I get nagged on but its more the constant picking at things. My bed isnt made, im not dressed nice enough, I dont take enough pride in my apperance, I spend to much time in bed, im not being productive enough, I dont pack the dishwasher correctly......and the list goes on and on, just makes me feel like I cant do anything right so I feel like why should I even bother.............. I also find that I constantly nag at myself for not being at the stage in my life I feel like I should be at by my age. Thats a really big thing for me, , I have the continuous nagging feeling that I should be at a different place by now. Clueless

[Mares73]

Hi Clueless & Geoff-im finding motivation so hard. I set myself tasks or there may be things I have to do & I don't understand why I can't just get them over & done with. I berate myself which doesn't help & feel I've achieved nothing each day except got through it.Geoff-im just don't fathom how being depressed you also changed your whole life.  X Mares

[cluelesd]

Hi geoff, hi mares,

Sorry I dissapeared for a few days my rabbit got sick & I had to have him put down which kind of broke my heart. Being so depressed I often felt isolated and alone. He was my escape from all of that. For 5 years he was a friend who I spoke to, cuddled and cared about more than myself. Even on days where I couldnt be bothered feeding myself or cleaning my room, I would always still clean his area and have him fed and happy. Loosing him is loosing a part of my heart......mares I completely identify with what your saying. I struggle so much with motivation and getting things done. I know I have to do things, I know they matter but I just cant make myself do them.

[geoff]

dear Cluelesd and Mares, firstly I am so sorry for losing your little rabbit, as pets are our greatest companion, as I had to experience again but this time with Tessie my other little puppie I had to put down as well, but she was 18 went with me anywhere, slept with me, guarded me when the ambulance guys were trying to help on a few occasions, because she didn't want them to touch me, which was most unlike her.

I made sure that she was fed first and I didn't care if I ate or not.

The lack of motivation is really a big issue when it comes to having depression, because we don't care if any work is carried out or not, and why should we, because it's only going to be back to the same the next day, so why bother.

I had to change my life, which does seem to be hard to believe, but I had no more the responsibilty I once had, I was divorced, my sons were living in Melb. 2 hours away, I didn't have to make payments for a mortgage, OK I had to rent but no more having to fix up any problems around the house, I didn't have to pay any car off, I had came to a lesser amount agreement with my creditors, so my life had changed, and it had done so and that's why I had done a full circle in my direction.   L Geoff. x