I dont know

heyimryan · ‎07-05-2014

I dont know how to start this, im a 20 year old guy, I have 3 sisters and a mother, my dad was absuive to us as kids and we dont get along but i cant explain how badly i want s father figure, have a history with drugs as the only way

I could feel normal was to be as stoned or cooked as the person next to me. I might have anxiety or depression but i'll keep denying it because I dont want it to be true, I cant hold a conversation with anyone but my sisters because I seriously have no idea what to say to people, im always nervous, I might be gay or bi or what ever but I deny that to. I like the idea of this website because its kind of anonymous, I feel like I cant talk to my friends because i dont want them to know what im really like in case they wont like who I 'really' am, constantly paranoid about everything, I want to say I want someone to talk to but it wont go further than 5 texts before I think for an hour about how to reply and just backspace it anyway, writing this feels pointless when there are so many people worse off than me, nothing makes me laugh anymore and I cant remember the last time I really smiled, id go to a therapist but im from a poor family and my job pays me not much because im to scared to say anything about it. I just want someone whos felt like this to tell me that it wont last forever because I cant do this much longer, thanks.

Neil_1 · ‎08-05-2014

Hi there Ryan

Welcome to Beyond Blue and can I say “Well done man” on coming here and providing us with your post. You are absolutely right when you say it’s anonymous here – it is there, it is also an interweb site, but it is so much more than that. You see, the people who come here and post replies to others are real, genuine folk, just sitting at the other end of a keyboard, etc. They are people who live with mental health issues day in, day out – and because of that, there is (unfortunate as it is) a wealth of mental health knowledge and there is never any judgement passed on here; not once – but what is passed on here is knowledge, experience for having lived with depression, etc, advice and above all else, support.

Ryan, I’m so glad you’ve come here. I’m also really pleased with how you were able to express yourself in your post and above all, your last sentence which is you really asking for help – and man, with the right support networks and assistance in place, it won’t last forever. It can take some time to get over, but with consistent effort (and it will take effort on your behalf) results can and do happen.

You’ve mentioned that you don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone, but your sisters. Have you perhaps suggested to them, some of the things that you’ve posted here?? You also mentioned that you weren’t sure about doing the same thing with your friends as to how they might take it? Mate, let me just say that if they take it the wrong way and they walk away, then they AREN’T mates anyway. If you feel you’ve got a good set of mates, then they’ll be there and they’ll support you and be there for you - no matter what. I know it’s easy to write what I just wrote, but may I suggest that you perhaps just choose ONE of them – one that you feel that you’ve got a good bond with – and start by saying something along the lines of how important your friendship is and how important this is for you to tell them about this. Just a thought – you might not feel comfortable in doing that and that’s ok – but just thought I’d give you that as an option.

Now you haven’t spoken about professional assistance, which I think might well be something for you to investigate. If you don’t have a GP that you go too, on this site, Beyond Blue have created a list that you can do a search on – and hopefully you can find one or more in your local area. The thing with these GP’s is that they’re all fully qualified in mental health issues and from that, they can help you by possibly giving you referrals to help you with what you’re battling.

You say nothing makes you laugh anymore – well, you oughta see me after I’ve had a shower and my hair’s wet – it’s a scream man! Ok, that was a very weak shot at trying to bring a smile to your face – I think I’m outta good material this week. I’ll have to go and do some more research and what really being funny is. Hey, I’ve got it – I don’t know if you like him or not, but someone who I find very funny is: Carl Barron. Look him up on You Tube – he’s got a very dry sense of humour, but he does give me cause to chuckle quite a bit.

Hey, this has become too long I think, so I’ll finish up now and hope that you can get back to us as well.

Cheers

Neil

heyimryan · ‎08-05-2014

Thanks neil it means more than you'd understand to know someones willing to listen, I have though about talking to my sisters about it but theres enough problems at home and I wouldnt want to burden them with this stuff as weĺl, besides I wouldnt know where to start, and I dont really see my mates as much as I use to as they're either doing drugs which ive decided I dont want to do anymore or have made new friends, an impossible task for me these days.

Ive thought about talking to a GP as well but I can barely have a normal conversation with people I know let alone opening up to a complete stranger.

Very weak indeed but the lameness was enough to conjure a smirk:) I have watched heaps of Carl Baron and I find him hilarious but its weird, instead of laughing I just think how good of a joke it was, almost like ive forgotten how to laugh.

Thanks again man

Neil_1 · ‎09-05-2014

Hi there Ryan

Thanx for the response back – was great to receive that but I believe we haven’t really advanced your assistance here yet, have we? So what to do?

Firstly, as often as you wish to write, there’ll always be kind folk here (or even me!) to read and listen to what you post – so please feel safe in the knowledge that if you write, you will be listened too – and more often than not, be responded too as well. 🙂

Ok, I can get that, in that it would be a massive step to actually approach say your sisters to discuss what you’ve got issues with. I would say for the time being, give your mates a swerve on this side of things, but with regard to your sisters, you know it might be something worth thinking about. I guess it does depend a lot on just how good a relationship you do have with them – only you can really know that.

Here’s a suggestion – in regard to the GP situation. Why not over the next little while get yourself a word document or some such thing where you can type – and just begin to type down dot points of what troubles you, what issues you have – experiences that are bad for you – just anything that you feel is a bother for you. Type them down, everything and anything – it doesn’t matter.

And hey, you don’t have to do it all in one session – just save it and then go back to it later – possibly to add to it, or to re-read through it and perhaps tidy it up a little. And then think, that if you were to sit down in front of a GP – you may be able to use this as a guide for your appointment or perhaps, if you felt ok to do so, hand it over and together you could go through it.

Let me say to that in this regard (a) even though the GP is a complete stranger, in these instances that’s ok as they are like all of us on this site – non judgemental with anything that is ever presented, and unlike all of us on this site, they are qualified to deal with such situation and as a result, are really your best option for hopefully progressing forward.

Just in regard to laughing, etc - though I’m riddled with depressive feelings and symptoms, there are times during a week where I’ll see or find a situation (be it in real life or just on the tv) that really is funny and I will laugh. But yeah, it’s not nearly as often as it used to be, but it does happen – the thing is, you just never know when.

So just cruise along and if something does happen that causes you funny times, then enjoy it and embrace it. Times like that are few and far between for us sufferers – so those times should really be enjoyed. Times like that should also be really either written down or somehow stored in your memory bank – because too often, they will be quickly over-written by the demons that we have. So if we can do something that can prompt us about them for future reference, please do so – as we need things like this from time to time.

Cheers

Neil

Ps: I do hope you can hang with us here for a while and it’d be awesome to hear back from you again.

geoff · ‎09-05-2014

dear Ryan, well your must be someone who is special to receive a reply from Neil, which he often does to people, but I know from all the posts that I have posted that he is struggling very deeply with his own demons, but he takes time out to try and help other people, and he is truly well known on this site, but I know of his concerns and his inability to be able to overcome them, point taken, he knows this just as I do.

OK let's forget about the 5 posts at the moment, and please don't get me wrong here, because I used alcohol as my back stop, but by being stoned is exactly the same, and being in denial, like I was, is just not confronting the issue of depression, and when I say depression it covers a wide variety of all sorts of illness's, so we self medicate and avoid the issue.

This can also happen if you are gay bi or whatever, we use this self medication to again avoid the issue, and what that this means is that we nare not prepared to discuss this issue because we always believe that they will reject us, and the possibility of them mocking you.

So what you do is just close up and whether or not your sisters have any idea I'm sure of, but there are many other hidden problems here, which you maybe frightened to let us know, hey, that's OK, so you have to gain confidence with us guys/people and that it doesn't matter what you say, we don't criticise anyone.

If you go to your doctor they will put you on a medicare plan where you get 10/12 free visits to visit a psych,. and there is nothing to worry about with this, because you are not used to talking about your problems, but these guys they know this, and they know how to take it easy.

Please reply and I'm not counting. lol. Geoff.