is survival possible?

[cluelesd]

Is survival possible? I ask myself this over and over again lately. Its weird I never thought this would be me, this person. I had all these ideas as a kid of what I wanted when I was older and how things would go. I was brought up loved, supported, cared for, I have no right to be unhappy so many people in this world are so much worse off than me. Yet here I am at 24, a world away from the person I wanted to be and the person I feel I should be....24, single, unemployed, lonely, misserable , failing uni student..... 8 years ago I was officially diagnosed with anxiety, lots of drs, lots of medications, lots of side effects, lots of therapists and I was making progress untill I got assualted out of nowhere. A person walked up to me when I was out with a friend, they didnt say a thing, I didnt even see them comming, just grabbed me from behind and beat the hell out of me. Scared me so so much. Every person became a risk & to say it made my anxiety worse is an understatement. A month or so later I got diagnosed with a health condition which caused me to gain alot of weight & caused several other problems, making me hate myself, my body & basicly the universe...somewhere through it all depression landed itself at my door and I found myself absolutely astonished that psycological pain could actually physically make my heart ache.my  downward spiral was then added to by my aunty being diagnosed with terminal cancer and finally her passing a few months ago. I miss her every single day and cry myself to sleep often. The only thing I want is to have her back, yet I know I cant....my heart is broken added ontop of a life that was already broken. The pain of such a lose ontop of already having servere depression resulted in me starting to hurt myself (another something I never ever thought would be part of my story).....I have a psychiatrist,  I have a psychologist,  I take medication for my anxiety, my depression and to help me sleep......I feel so alone though, the pain never ends, it feels unbearable and that scares me because it just hurts so much.... Is survival possible? And if it is how? Because the pain and suffering that comes with depression and loss seem to be a never ending nightmare of my exsistence that I dont know how to get through

[Mares73]

Dear Clue- I'm so sorry to read of your painful situation. I've also been assaulted by a stranger. I really want to respond & support you. But can you hold on-my I pad isn't working so I have to use my phone & the battery is about to go. I will get back to you & I hope in the meantime others reply. Talk soon. X Mares

[geoff]

dear Cluelesd, I can relate to your story so much from being assaulted, and it lead me down the path of somewhere I never wanted to go, just as it's doing for you now.

Depression and anxiety is the result of all of this plus having PTSD which haunts you everytime you see a group of people approaching towards you.

I'm sorry that your aunty passed away and this does add to the burden which you are struggling with.

I was also brought up in a loving, supportive family, where money didn't seem to be a problem, as my Dad was a GP, and back in those days he did all sorts of tasks, delivering babies, some surgery etc., but were encouraged to study and get some qualifications.

I f you asked me a long time ago, is 'survival possible', my answer would have been NO, everything was going wrong for me as it is for you, but now if you asked me the same question my answer would be YES.

It may not seem this way for you, and I totally agree you are doing it really tough, medication, doctors and psych all bouncing off each other trying to find the answers you want, but never seem to be able to, so I'm just wondering out of all these doctors, counsellors and/or psych is there one in particular, that is, one doctor and one psych/counsellor that you can relate with.

I only say this because if one counsellor says something to you, and you may mention it to another counsellor/psych they may say 'no that's not right', so you may become confused by all of it.

This happened with me when I was seeing two psychiatrists, as one dismissed what the other had said, so I dropped both of them and ended up seeing a one psychologist.

It is awful for you and I understand exactly what you are going through, and I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[cluelesd]

Thanks for commenting mares, I was really touched you took the time to leave me a comment even with your battery dying. Im new to all this online support world so it was nice to have someone acknowledge my post.thank you. 

[geoff]

dear Cluelesd, I have replied but it's probably waiting to be checked by the Moderators. Geoff.

[Mares73]

Dear Clue-its Mares I'm back again typing on my ph as its only way I can reply so plus forgive spelling errors & shortening your user name as the pH wouldn't accept those letters so I had to abbreviate. You should be so proud for reaching out here & sharing your story. I didn't know what to expect when I joined. But basically your anonymous & can write as often as you want about anything your experiencing. I can assure you that the members of this forum are unbelievably supportive, caring & will offer advice & suggestions. You will realize quickly that it's an amazing place where people really do understand depression & relate to each others story so you are in the perfect place to get the support you need.it sounds like you have experienced so much with your depression & the assault which I totally understand would have led to fear, maybe avoiding going out & developing anxiety. Given you have entrusted us with your story, I will share with you that a few years ago I was grabbed from behind by a stranger & assaulted serially & physically. It has impacted on my life so much-there are triggers that bring back the memories-id assume you experience them also. For example for a yr after I would get very anxious when night time started to get dark because it happened in the evening. I started avoiding going out anywhere & have become very lonely & isolated as I cut myself off from the world & stayed hm where I at least felt safe. But lately I've realized that by avoiding life I am just existing & that means the attacker won. He has taken enough of my life so I'm slowly going out, it's really hard sometimes but I feel better when I do. I used to be such a social butterfly. Now I'm starting from zero again. I hear you when you say "is survival possible". I'd say it is in the sense we are living human beings but I think what you may mean is-life feels like your purely existing rather than having any kind of life apart from the darkness of depression. I know you've been to different Dr's but on this site is a list of GPs who specialize in depression-they have extensive experience & have been trained further by Beyond Blue. They would be the most highly trained Gps in depression. Can I suggest you look at the list & find one near you. Ring the surgery & say you need an urgent appt & have been referred by Beyond Blue. I think it would be a good time to see a Gp highly specialised. You could just see it as getting a second opinion & medication review. The GP will be very understanding & discuss support options with you. They can also give you a referral for up to 12 visits with a Psychologist under medicare. Now same as the GP list-there is a list of psychologists on this site so you could have a look through & find one you may like to try. I have total trust in the GPs & Psychologist so recommended on this site as they are recommended by Beyond Blue. I know you've seen various Drs, Specialists & Psychologist so but can I recommend that you just try I Nevis it with the new GP as there are always new medications etc & you would get the best treatment. I put it off & thought oh I've already got a GP but then I got desperate & thought I'd try one that's on the list & I couldn't believe how different they were. They took the time to listen & were ccompassionate & even rang me every 2nd day to cc heck in with how I was. So do you think our could try that just once & see how you go? I feel confident you will come out of apps with more hope. Your only 24 & have gone through so much of forgetting the grief you have over your aunt. I understand your pain & loss-depression feels like it socks up any hope of a future or any chance of happiness. I too have grieved for what I've lost in my life because ofddepression-it leaves you hollow & empty, hurt & suffering that your life feels beyond your control. Your at a really low point & I wish I could take your pain away but I can't so what I can do is give you all the support & care that I can. You are very special & have been through much heartbreak-i hope I can support you during this time. You are inmmy thoughts & it willbbe goodtto hear back from you when your ready. Take care-youaae precious, Lve Mares xx

[cluelesd]

Thanks geoff, your right your post must have been waiting to be reviewed because its only just showed up for me, thank you also for replying, I really appreciate you taking the time to.... im glad you said that you once thought survival wasnt possible.im not glad you ever had to feel like that but the fact you said you once thought that and now think it is, gives me hope that there is a point beyond this....like you said I never expected or wanted to go down this path & hitting what I feel like is my bottom, when the pain is so bad I find myself constantly worrying ive fallen beyond the point of help, that ill have sunk so deep no one can get me out....im sorry you too got assualted,  can I ask what you felt was tje best way of moving past your fear?...I am lucky that both my psychiatrist & psychologist are actually coworkers so they do check in regularly with one another to make sure they are both working along the same track it just feels exactly as you said though that nothing can go right, I find myself feeling unbearably lonely. Which as I said in my first post is so stupid because im lucky to have alot of people who love and care about me. It just dosent feel that way. Im not really sure why?or if its reality or just my head. I think thats one of the worst things about all this, I dont know whats me anymore, what is my true thoughts or whats been changed by the depression. Do you ever have that problem? Does it get better over time?

[cluelesd]

Hey mares,thank you for your kind words,  im so sorry that you to have had to experience being assualted. Its such a horrible thing to go through. Its so bizarre how one event can change your whole perception of the world. In my head I did everything right that night. Everything I was always taught to do to keep me safe. I parked in a well lit street, it wasnt too late, I wasnt walking alone, I was dressed appropriately, I was sober, in control and it happened anyway. So all I can think is if it happened when I was in a 'safe' situation...then nothing, except for my home, my bed, my parents and friends in my comfort zone is safe. Society is a no go, risks a no go, strangers a definate no go. And soon enough just like you said you end up broken, grasping at straws to survive,  breath, shower and trick the people around u into thinking your normal, when really your just exsisting & even struggling at that. ....I think what I wonder alot is can pain kill you...because sometimes I wonder if it can because it just gets so lonely....I really admire you for having the strength to start to take back your life after what you've been through & I hope one day I can be that brave.im just so scared, petrified of what can happen.....and so scared of the future, what my life will become, who and what ill be if I dont manage to get myself through this......I do think your right about things like medications in them needing to be rehashed, its just such a problem as I have such serve side effects to so many...ive had serve reactions to about 15 different ones so far so it makes all doctors, experts and gps extremely hesitant to go near me or change a thing. Even ones im ok on, a slight change in dose and my body just dosent cope. It makes me feel really trapped.....Do you think there are some people that just cant be helped? Even if they want it? ...no one I know really ever talks about depression so I dont know....the possibility of it scares me though...... im really sorry if im being a downer, just so many questions running through my head. Your kind words really have meant alot though....ive felt so alone lately, especially since my aunty passed, its like everythings changed, everyone has people & im all alone. U helped lessen that feeling a little though. I liked hearing from u. 

[geoff]

dear Cluelesd, many times our friends become acquaintances because we can't relate our story to them, or we think that they don't take us for being genuine and this maybe because of our fake persona, or perhaps we don't want to get them wrapped up with our problems.

When we first get depression, you ask the question ' there are some people that just cant be helped', and the answer to this initially is no, they can't be helped, and the time where they then believe they need to see a doctor depends on the individual.

Initially we go through the process of trying to cover it up, so that's not wanting any help, we would prefer to go home and snuggle under the doona, without anybody knowing, but eventually we surface and realise that we aren't helping ourselves and seek help.

Then we go through medication and their side-effects, changing psych's, from one to another desperately trying to find someone who we feel comfortable with and this is a third of our battle, another third is the medication, and finally the last third is trying to come to terms on why, why do we have depression.

There maybe reasons which we know of like abuse, disloyal parents, brothers or sisters, and along the way this illness has landed on our door step, and ruined our lives.

PSTD is a disorder that my new psychologist believes that he can help me with, but I think the time since it has happened, is slowly eroding this feeling away, but that's just for me, you maybe different.

What's changed by the depression I suffered from is that my world has done a complete circle, all the work, hobbies, cooking. gardening and everything about me is no longer.

I used to love cooking, gardening and especially my work as a builder/handyman, but now I no longer enjoy any of these, or maybe this illness has caused me to burn out from them all.

Hope that can get back to us, as you may other questions which may help or guide you. Geoff.

[Mares73]

Dear Clued I'm just checking how your feeling & have you decided to check out the GAS on this site who are highly trained in deprrssion. I'm on a SRI now & know the feeling of desperation when you wonder if anything will improve.

Geoff was kind enough to share his story & I too have questions as to how he "boxed up" things & threw them to the wind only St start again. If you read this Geoff-did you have support & how did you get the strength to do what you did? I'd really appreciate learning more about your recovery. For now Cluel plus take care & remember we are here. Love Mares xxx