Unable to sleep

[Bec_Luke]

Hi There my fellow friends,

I am up posting at 11.40pm as i'm unable to sleep/get to sleep. I feel like i just have so much yet so little going on around and around in my head. I've notice these days my Anxiety is up a little and i'm just feeling unsure about how i'm really feeling. I know alot of this that goes on day to day, and well at lest pretty much most of the day, is about my ex and just whats happened in my life in the last six months. I feel like  i'm at the stage of trying to forget all that has happened/is happening between us and my feelings, trying to be strong inside and starting to see that his not the other half anymore that i'm not part of knowing what he does or who his talking to and that i'm trying to pick up my pieces and learn how to do things on my own again, and to try and not worry about him so much, why? i have no clue why i do still. it's not that i'm wanting to move on or anything I know it's because i have to. to my ex he think that in the last couple of days that there has been something up with me, like i seem more distant like i'v found someone else, like iv move on. i did say to hi m that I haven't found anybody and moving on like that no i haven't. since he has said and asked all of this, its been playing on my mind as to why he thinks i'm distant i'm understanding what his really saying because well were not together anyway so how more distant can you get?. at times i feel like i could say and ask him the same thing theses days. 

 id be lying if i said that everyday I'm not trying to avoid and think about everything that has happened and everything after the brake up and just having him still in my head. I do get out when i can to do things but it's only for a little while that its all back in my head. I know he doesn't have feelings but I o feel like his not opened with me about how how he really feels. he says its hard on him as well and that i'm not the only person, but...seriously he seems alot more down to earth and better than me. i don't see him going through hurt with all this like me. I know he works alot an catches up with people ad yes all ways on his phone talking to others. Ii my self just don't know how to talk to him or say anything without it becoming a argument or it all gets put on me or him getting angry and verbally abusive or insulating/put downs  or walking out, just on what i say about how I feel.

I just i'm trying to work out how i'm feeling how i'm ment to be feeling and is it all normal? or am i over thinking too much? do I/ we need  to know have a serious talk about whats going on and whats really happening.....

I don't know...

Thanks heaps for those being super supportive and replying and just being there to talk to. I hope I haven't /didn't bore anyone from this ridiculously huge essay.

L.Becx

P.s Apologies again for such a Huge Essay...

[Neil_1]

Hi there Bec  

I do want to reply to you, but I don’t want to upset you with what I have to say – so I’ll be as careful as I can.  🙂  

This post is predominately about you and your ex.  There’s a very common theme here for me and that is the word “ex”.  May I ask how long ago did he become ‘ex’?  Who’s decision was it, or was it a kind of a mutual thing?  I could ask a number of others here, but I’ll await your answers on the above.  

Now in my experience people become ex’s for reasons mostly that they do not want to be with that person anymore – and the reasons can be many and varied, but the end result is – they split up because there’s a problem with the relationship.  

From what I’m gathering here, it sounds like the two of you continue to talk quite a lot – I could be wrong but it sounds like it’s almost on a daily basis.  Is there a reason for this?? 

As you’ve mentioned when you don’t see or hear from him for a while, you are able to get out and do things and that the past is placed in the back of your mind – which is what it should or where it should be.  

The part that really affected me was where you said that when things turned and an argument takes place, he gets angry and verbally abusive and insults and put downs – for me Bec, that is bullying and someone who is a real low life for doing that – especially to someone who used to be a partner (someone who he used to care about). 

Before you mentioned that, I was going to suggest that is your relationship totally over or is there a chance for reconciliation – but because of this, I would say “do everything and anything to make sure you don’t have contact with this person”.  You don’t need this.  This is something that you can do without as it’s not helping you one bit in trying to move yourself forward in a positive manner.  

Ps:  Bec, that wasn’t a huge essay – not near – it was good and you covered things nicely.  

Hope to hear back from you.  

Take care  

Neil

[geoff]

dear Bec, I have to agree with Neil my friend only because he thinks so much like I do, and has more knowledge than his experience with depression has shown here on helping people, and I have to give him so many thanks for responding to people, but this post is for you.

Your ex should be your ex and the more you worry about what he maybe worrying about will not change the situation, so there's a saying that I will have to leave out some words but you will know what it means, 'do not be c*******ck teased by what ever he has to say to you, when it is convenient for him to do so', it will never change and you can't be strung along with the hope that he will return to you, he is just teasing you.

You are a beautiful young lady who is still struggling but please do as I have done and seal these thoughts and send them away to the bermuda triangle, where they are lost and won't ever be thought of again.

Yes I know that I have sent adrift many personal feelings that are ones that I wish I could solve, but I never could, and by still trying to sort them out, one by one, would never happen, and the more I tried the worse I became, that's why I came to the conclusion that as long as I live these memories or wishful thoughts could never be solve, it was never going to happen.

Your time on this site has been a god send for you to be able to talk to us, and that's why you have so many friends here, ones who you can trust. L Geoff. x

[Bec_Luke]

Hi Neil and Geoff,

Thanks heaps again for both of your responses. 

Neil in regards to your questions I will try my best to answer without making things complex and long but I'll give it ago.

1. We broke up late Feb.  And it was his decision and it wasn't muteral.

do don't know if you did read that as he was trying to r brake up with me he had many concerns and worries for me like, feeling like his abandoned me, he knows that I dont  have anybody else or any friends to hang out with, umm worried about what may happen to me n how things will go in the future for me and he said that he really cares for me and he still wants to support/care for me and that the friendship is a alot different to his other friends. He comes around to see what I'm up to because he knows I'm also lonely. When I came home after easter which was pretty much planning and organizing for a funeral because my nan had pasta away. I came home and he said he would pickm up from the station we get back to mine and he hands me this "present" i pull it out and its a 400 doller laptop something iv needed for quite awhile because mine has pretty much cacked it. One I had said this was something I wasn't expecting from him as a friend now it's more something like wat a bf would get me notsomeone whos a friend. I broke into tears because I had had such a big weekand the fact that i was returning back to this as in this whole situation and back to loneliness. Plus I was like wat the hell with this gift. He's said he got it because he knew I had have had a big week and then he's said  6 hrs later he also remembered that it was my birthday in like 2 days time so it was was a bit of both. from what I know the relationship is over and I don't think there will be any re joining.  He's says it's hard for him as well and then he gets all like I'm distant on him type stuff I'd don't get it. I can't understand tho why I get worried about him still or why I'm like this when I know That it's over and everything

Even tho at times he just doesn't get me at all and disrespectful at times. I justdont know why I'm still acting like this.

And yes it is daily bases that we talk.

Yeah I'm just not sure about this a any more I think I'm getting tired.

Anyway thank you both for posting hope to hear for you both soon.

Thanks 

Bec. X

[Neil_1]

Hi Bec

Lovely of you to write back and respond to mine and Geoff’s messages to you. Oh wow, it IS quite complex isn’t it?

Broke up late Feb.   

His choice to do that.   

Yet he still feels like he’s abandoning you.  

He says this about you, he says that about you, he thinks this about you and he thinks that about you – and yet, he broke up with you.

Then the laptop turns up out of the blue.

Bec, I can see why you’re quite confused at the moment.

Now I don’t know how often he’s being disrespectful to you – but once is too many times.  It sounds like it’s been more than once though.  For me, that would be it – that really irks me so much when I hear about these kinds of goings on! I think I might have suggested this the first time, but if I didn’t – hang on, I’ll just check – ok, yes I did, should I say it again?  Oh hell, why not!  

Bec, all this daily chat with him is not helping you move forward – he’s already made it clear that he doesn’t want to be in your life (as in be there for you 100% as boyfriend as he broke it off).  And the fact that he broke it off and not you, means to me that you still potentially have embers burning there and then he goes and buys you a laptop – as you said, what the hell was that all about.

But really Bec, at the end of the day, this is your life we’re talking about here – and talking about it also in regard that you’re also fighting your own specific mental health issues. 

I do want to help and/or advise you as best I can, as do others – but we can’t do more than that and rightly so.  Your life is crucial/so incredibly important, as is your health.

I’ll finish now Bec and hope that I haven’t confused the situation more than it needed too.

Take care

Neil

[Bec_Luke]

Hi Neil.

Thanks for replying, and no your not confusing the situation.

I have spoken to my psyc about this today, and she recons that I'm mixed up about how I should feel about him, and why i'm mixed up is because his mixed up maybe? so we discussed it, ad she did suggest to talk to him and say what i'v just stayed but then ask him upfront  about how he really feels about me, whether he is mixed up about how he feels or if he doesn't know or if he is just waiting out for another girl. so today he eventually asked how i have been feeling and well it was hard to talk and i know he probably didn't want to hear some of what i may of had to say but i explained to me about my wired behavior and the conversation with psyc ad just how iv honestly felt and have seen it in reality. and he did say that at some point there are somethings that have to be spoken about and worked out, and e suggested to Friday  wold be a good time to sit down and say everything that needs to be said and wants to be said.I did also say to not worry about how or what you might say will effect me, because how much more can he hurt me? and I said just to not worry about it and say everything you need to say s I need to know and its probably better that I do. he said he wasn't worry about expressing how he feels but he did say thee will probably somethings that a may not want to here and he needs a day or so to have  think about them/it. 

I will admit i'm anxious about it but I do want to hear the truth and the honest truth of whats happening. and I think even tho It may upset me or I may not want to hear somethings, I think it's best that I do and that everything is out in the open.

Thanks heaps Neil for responding and i do understand with where you are coming from. Thanks heaps 🙂

[Stitch]

Hi Bec,

 How're you doing?  It's Sunday arvo now and I've been wondering how "The Talk" went with you and the ex went on Friday?  

Hope you're OK?

It sounds like a bit of a mixed up friendship at the moment.  He ended things last February but he still speaks to you or visits most days?  No wonder you're finding it tough to move on.  How can you?   He's still very much a part of your life. 

And that would be totally OK if his behaviour did not upset you so much.

You said that he he spends alot of time with his other friends.  He knows that you're lonely.  Does he invite you out to meet his other friends?

My female perspective tells me that having a woman (yourself) who still carries a torch for him is doing wonders for his ego.  (Sorry Neil, Geoff and all other male BB members.  Please feel free to add your 2 cents worth if you don't agree)

From what you've written, it doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this arrangement.  A real friend wouldn't verbally abuse, put down or walk out on a friend in need.  

I just want to ask you a question before I go Bec.

Would you put up with that kind of behaviour from a female friend?

Hope you're doing OK Bec.

Stitch. 

[Neil_1]

Hi Bec

I too am a bit interested to hear how your catch up went and I do hope that you’re going ok.

Now I wish I had read your latest post before this – because with what you’ve said, I wouldn’t have even gone to have a chat with him.  He’s mentioned to you “before” this meeting that he may have things to say that you may not want to hear and that HE needs a day or two to think about them. 

Holy – if he’s got things like that in his mind that he’s thinking of a way to deliver it to you then I’d be telling him:

“Look to hell with this – have a nice life – you broke up with me and NOW you want to say things after the fact that I might not want to hear!  Did you ever think that I wanted to hear that you wanted to break up with me – but you did and you know what, I’m doing just fine now”

Bec, sorry if that sounds a bit too full on, but this guy just seems to hold all the aces.  Also, I know you’re not doing fine right now – but hell, he doesn’t need to know that. All I can see is the longer this draws on, the slower it's going to be for your recovery.

I hope I haven’t overstepped the boundaries here and do hope that you can get back to us.

Neil

[Bec_Luke]

hey guys,

Thanks for checking in as i was wondering my self.

well the talk, the talk was very interesting. i re capped in hat i had said and felt. and well his response was as every one will say this whole situation is complicated. I shall do my best in explaining all this so here goes.

he said that as much as my well being does concern him at times, he shouldn't worry because were no longer together and its not his responsibility. but he does think about what i do as well and why i may hang out with, he also said his still trying to get over things and his not ready for a committed relationship but he said it doesn't mean that he wouldn't want to try again with me but he doesnt't/ can't really say untill his ready for a relationship. i did go over how iv realised how his been there for me and that he has been the only one and he did care/i guess still does. he did say that he does think at times wether the brake up was the right thing to do or at times he thinks what have i done wrong but, he said he doesn't want me waiting out for him, i did say about my behaviour and some of things i do do and the things i have explained on here to you guys, and well i said but this is normal its like i cant control it and its not like i'm actually deliberately waiting out for him all this stuff is just happening and yeahh, however he said if it did come to the time when he was ready and he wanted to see what i was up to and all and i was with someone else or even if i found some now now, he said that would upet and hurt him alot it would tare him thou however he did say but he cant say or control that as were not together and its my life. even tho i said the same for him. but he said that at the moment his not ready for a committed relationship until things come around again and his still getting over things, and he hasn't moved on "yet" either so...humm

so in him saying all this i have heard nothing of it before probably at times the opposite of and its kind of changed the situation, but still makes it a little mixed still because.

and yes there are the wired times when there is a fight and his all like i don't care i don't wanna be friends and then next minute its like i still care for you and all lets hang out i do care i mean. the time that i had a relaps and nearly talk my self in to emergency. and this was after texting him at the time but i told him how i was gonna go in and that i waited to talk to a friend and see if they would take me in, an then he tuned around and got all defensive about it and was all like oh yeah because i don't care for you at ll in sarcasm, then i said well last time when i was like this and actually asking you for help etc. then he was like you should of called me not texted me because when i hear that your actually upset id take it a bit more seriously, i don't take things over text so serious all the time, so i was like do you really think id be joking when im telling you im at low point i need help this is whats happening i may S***lf h*****lm do you really think id  joke about that. and then he said its better that i call not just text it, and at that time i said well you were back at home while i was half an hour away and he was about to go to a mates place that day so that one of the reasons why i didn't say anything plus last time he didn't talk me seriously and then his response was if you had of called me i would of been there.....sooo yeah it wired and this is partly why my psych had said he sounds like his confused how he feels. soo this response has been again different compered to the other things he ma say at times or the things he does.

anyway i hope i have covered every thing,and that it makes sense in a wired way, even to this situation doesn't.

and apologies to once again make a HUGE ESSAY.

I hope to her back from you guys can't wait to read what you may have to say like always 🙂

L.Bec.x. 

and P.s In reply to you question stitch that's a very good question to ask and I haven't really thought about it like that either, however the friendship tho between me and him is like a completely different friendship compered to his friendship with the other friends who well his not really close to any more. its like our friendship is closer than a normal one but yes its complicated and I dunno sometimes its too complex i just cant think about it, this is all wired but i hope things square out soon. 

[Neil_1]

Dear Bec

Thanx so much for coming back to us with your last post.

Oh my dear ... this is way way too complicated (as you already know).  But seriously, it's simply not fair on you.  All this will he, won't he, if things change, if things don't change, maybe I will, maybe I won't, and to top things off he said if you were to get involved with someone else and he found out, it'd be real hurtful to him.

I'm sorry Bec but this guy is just playing with your life - your emotions - your mental wellbeing and it's simply not fair to you. 

Break ups are without doubt damn tough to go through and yes there is the emotion of grief when a relationship is severed - and there are a lot of other emotions to go through, but people DO go through them and the DO come out the other side.

I can't tell you what you should do in this situation, but because I've been on this journey with you, and I care about you - I am going to put my suggestion forward to you.  You can decide to do with it what you will and I accept and acknowledge that and no matter what, I'm still going to reply to you and be there to support you all the way.  No matter what.

Bec, my suggestion is the same as what I produced to you in my last post.

"Look mate, you broke up with me - so we're over.  I'm fine with that NOW and I need to move on and I'm going too.  But I cannot do that if you continue to keep chipping away with messages and asking about me.  Just leave me be and I know you'll get on with your life as well".

Something along those lines Bec - personally I'd make it a lot more clearer and stronger than that - but Bec, just my opinion.

Neil