Introducing Myself

[paisleydoll]

Hi, everyone.

I guess I'm here because I hit a dark point again tonight. Contacted LifeLine for the first time because I realised how serious I was getting about making it all end.

After being sexually abused by my high school drama teacher, being physically and mentally abused by my Mother's ex for over a decade, and constant bullying throughout school, I used to think that I could at least find a way to be "okay" by my early twenties.

However, after being cheated on last year by the person I believed I would marry, before which was a string of numerous liars, things started going downhill again. My work life and university life have suffered immensely, as has my health. I have family members who are very unwell, and have just recently found out that my two closest friends are moving away, one internationally and one interstate. Ive had friends turning their back on me time and time again, and now I feel I'm stuck in another toxic romantic situation.

I wake up every morning panicking, spend my day running on nervous energy, then cry myself to sleep and repeat the whole process.

I'm 22, isn't this when things were meant to get better?

[SGde3a]

Hi Paisleydoll,

Perhaps your partner cheating on you was a reminder of the earlier betrayal? Like a sore on top of a sore?

Don't forget that if you were abused then they aren't actual mother or father figures. Mothers' mother, and Fathers' father. So don't look up to them in any way. They were basically strangers unloading their problems onto you, because they failed to see that they were abused by their mother/father figure and do something about it. So they saw it as normal behaviour to betray siblings.

Sometimes, if you for a moment think that they were good figures, then you can become depressed and anxious and can even pass on those traits yourself to those around you. If the family members that are unwell now are those family members, dont be at their every beck and call. If they change their tune and beg and appologise, then you have the choice to help them or not.

[Jo3]

Hi Paisleydoll

It's great that you have come on here to chat today.  I am so sorry you have gone through so much in your life and at 22 that is a lot to deal with.  I have a daughter the same age as you and it would destroy me if I knew she had issues or was abused.  Is your mum supportive?

Being abused, whether it's sexually, physically or emotionally is a terrible terrible thing to happen and I assume you were in your teens when this happened.

Can I make a suggestion? - Have you seeked any professional help eg. your GP or a psychologist?  Because I feel that this would be a first step in helping you with the abuse and also with your anxiety.

 I can totally understand what you're going through reg. the abuse as I was abused by 3 different guys from the age of 9-12 yrs old and that was over 30 years. But my memories only came to me 4 yrs ago so I am dealing with a lot of issues that were kept locked away until now.

I hope you can come back and chat with us again, hope you seek some help.

Take care

Jo

[White_Rose]

Dear Paisleydoll

I'm glad you wrote in here and I apologise that no one has answered you before now.

Life has dealt you a huge number of blows that need to be taken care of. So where are you in terms of getting help from mental health professional?  This is the first step towards living again.  Talk to your GP who can refer you to an appropriate person.

If you are feeling in danger again you can do as you did before and contact Lifeline or phone Beyond Blue 24/7.  The number is 1300 22 4636.  It is important that you do this.

Do you live alone or with family?  I'm asking these questions because it makes a difference to how you are managing.  Do you have the care of your unwell family members?  I appreciate that you are concerned for their welfare but unless you are required to care for them try to keep uninvolved emotionally.  This adds to your stress and distress and at the moment you need your strength for yourself.

Your history of abuse and bullying makes you vulnerable to being further abused by others, especially when you are looking for love.  Also the loss of dear friends is another blow to your world.

What are you studying at uni?  Have you nearly finished your degree?  If you are only part way along, could you consider taking a break for a semester?  When people are depressed it is very hard to study, to remember facts and concentrate on your work.  Perhaps a short break would help for the immediate future.

What I am suggesting is that you simplify your life for a little while until you get back on your feet.  Concentrate on getting well again with professional help.  Go and do the things you enjoy just for yourself. 

You say, or appear to say, that the men in your life have been less than satisfactory.  And that hurts every time it happens.  May I suggest that you have a man-free year?  Get yourself well so that you can make good choices.  Being single for a while can be very enjoyable, especially if you have other single friends. 

Please write back here and tell us how you are managing.  I will be looking for your reply

Warm regards

White Rose

[white knight]

Dear Paisleydoll,

Hi, I'm 58yo and hope I can help you at least a little. I have a mother with BPD, was very controlling and abusive.  At 17yo I joined the military and left at 20yo. When I returned home I approached my 21st birthday, an event them days as being adulthood.  Because my mother was still controlling and treating me as a child I recall saying to myself the night before my birthday "tomorrow it will all change.....she will treat me as an adult because I'll be 21".  How unrealistic.

And so I read your last comment at 22 "things were meant to get better". Many people on this site will attest that it certainly may not get better unless you actively take control of your life and care for yourself, emotionally, physically and socially.

This may sound harsh, its not meant to be, on the contrary.  I'm reaching out to you, one human to another. Many of us here, and I am one, could be classed as misfitting in society. We all have reasons for this.  In your case you got off to a bad start in life and it looks clear to me that you were very vulnerable. Vulnerability attracts predators then a snowball of confusion and trouble begins.  We often seek compensation for being mistreated. We try to find love to replace the love we never had or we lost in the dark years.  I'm no psychiatrist by the way. Just my views.

It can all be quite complex, far too complex to evaluate by ourselves. So we need professional help and this is likely in your case.  However I'm concerned that you are now in a toxic relationship. That will only compound your issues.  If that relationship was dissolved it would give you an really good opportunity to find yourself, take a deep breath, sort out your past issues as best you can and settle down with life.

Slowly you will regain strength that will allow you to care for others like your family members that are unwell.  It's what we do here.  We posters are not well either but with our life's experiences we also reach out regardless of not being 100%.  Giving and caring for others can be a therapy in itself. Feeling worthwhile.

Finally I urge you to not even think about ending your precious life. Many of us here have been down that track.  I'm so glad I didnt go further at the time.  If you restock, regather your strength by sorting out your relationship and seek better direction all will fall into place.  You are worth that effort.  You are unique, there is no other "you". One day, I guarantee, you'll carry your life in total control....and run with it into the sunlight......... hugs to you

[geoff]

dear Paisley, this is another very sad story of you this time being sexually abused as well as mentally, and unfortunately this has been a terrible occurrance of this brutality happening.

What I say to you and all the others is that I detest this type of control that these fellows think that they can have over females, they don't understand that their few minutes of joy for them, can and will destroy the psychological mind of an innocent human being for years.

I am not sure whether your family are unwell because they now know of what has happened to you, but even so if this is not the case it still puts an additional pressure on you, and now you friends are leaving you.

Please you have to get out of this tonic relationship because this will only remind you of your past, this is something that you don't need, and no matter what he says to you that may 'butter' you up means nothing, because it will only get worse.

What you want and need is someone who really shows you love and devotion, and someone who adores you and spoils you, and certainly no one who abuses you one ay or the other.

You are worth more than this c----p. L Geoff. x