Intesnse self loathing and depression.

[Jackson_M]

My anxiety and self-hatred has been getting progressively worse over the last few years, to where I unable to meet new people or walk outside without feeling incredibly scared for no reason. I have broken away from all my friends, TAFE and have begun started online schooling; having to redo the last school year to check boxes for the government. I hate my life and I know I was always meant to be more than this. The only person I could consider a friend is my therapist which I already know is pathetic, after refusing to properly cry in front of her and then leaving that appointment to get a haircut and rushing home to throw-up after as a reaction to how bad I look, I already know there’s something seriously wrong with me but it’s even worst then I could imagine. I have had little to no motivation to work or live, I spend most of my time blasting music at 100% with headphones to stop my thoughts, I never thought I would join a service like Beyond Blue but I don’t know what to do anymore. I not even sure what this letter serves but to act as nothing more than a cry for help.

[blondguy]

Hello Jackson M

Welcome and thank you for being a part of the forums. It takes a lot of courage to post and good on you for reaching out and posting with us 🙂

I used to have the same awful feelings when I was at school and it can be an awful place to be in Jackson. You have a strong focus on your well being. There is nothing pathetic about you in any way!

It took me 12 years to cry in front of my therapist when I was in your situation....and yes...I felt awkward and embarrassed too. It does take time to have a good cry with our therapist. You have done so well by engaging a therapist in the first place! Good1 🙂

I understand you where anxiety is concerned as I was a jerk and didnt have it treated as soon as I should have. You are no jerk as you have taken some great steps to care for your health

The headphones are a good distraction for the time being...no worries there. Can I ask you how frequent you see your doc/therapist?

The forums are a safe and judgemental place for you to post JM. It would be great if you post back when its convenient for you 🙂

you are not alone and thank you for being a part of the forum family too!

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[therising]

Hi Jackson M

As Paul mentioned, you've done incredibly well in finding someone who knows how to help you through mental health issues. This is so important.

There are so many destructive mental programs up there in our head which dictate the terms in regard to how we live our life and we typically begin receiving such programing from a very young age. These destructive programs might sound a little familiar:

• Toughen up, otherwise you're weak. Especially do not cry in front of others.
• Don't talk about your problems, especially to strangers (such as therapists, folk on forums like this etc)
• If we can't function effectively in this world then we are defective to some degree
• Friends are people in social circles

Jackson, I'm going to take these 4 points and change them to reveal constructive truth:

• Emotions are a form of internal energy in motion. Yelling, crying and so on are forms of stress/energy release. If we keep this energy inside, the energy manifests in other ways throughout our body. This helps explain why when people are seriously stressed they can become physically ill. Crying can be seen as an achievement not a weakness
• We are communal creatures designed to share both our joy and our sorrow. I believe we are meant to come together in support, in moving forward. Folk at BB recognise this truth wholeheartedly
• If we cannot function effectively then 3 individual facets should be explored. When we refer to our self as 'I' we should remember that we are not one single simple entity. Physical dis-ease, mental dis-ease and energetic dis-ease will present specific sets of symptoms. Any one of these 3 aspects of us (or even all of them at once) can express dis-ease in unique ways. The mental dis-ease part can relate to thought networks as well as chemical imbalances. There's a network up there in that thing in our skull for everything we have learned in life, from tying our shoelaces to feeling self-hatred. Some networks need attention. The chemistry thing...the levels of dopamine and serotonin in our brain will go toward determining how motivated and happy we are. Thoughts and chemistry are interactive
• Each relationship we have in life is reflected in how we relate. You relate to your therapist as someone who cares, someone who listens, someone who helps you come to know yourself and the world better. I believe these are the traits of someone we would regard as a friend. Your view is definitely not pathetic, it makes perfect sense

Take care JM

[Indigoangel178]

Hey Jackson,

I had that problem too and it took me a while to get over it so, it will take you a while to as well. Take a look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are amazing. Try to look at the positives. It takes sixty days to form a habit so try 2 times a day and you should see the difference. Also, try and open yourself up to the world and find people with similar interests as you or similar music taste. I am not a professional and just a teenager but I found that 7 cups helped. I could talk with a person that understood what it feels like and they were just really helpful and free.