I wasn't me! | Struggling with my identity

the black rabbit

Sorry if this post is late at midnight but I just felt to need to write this thing that i've been feeling but It just ended up being a short story vent.

So here it is!

I Wasn't Me
by Asterix
(This is a true story)

(also there might be spelling and grammer mistakes)
_________________________________________________________________________________

my name is Asterix.

I'm a Guy, 22 and Sometimes I don't recognize myself in the mirror

I've been having this issue were if I look at my reflection I have this feeling that what I'm looking at isn't me, don't get me wrong I know that it's my reflection but just doesn't feel right, I'm not saying I don't like what I see or that it makes me sad, I literally feel like it not me, there's someone else there! as if theirs a stranger looking back at me and when I turn my head, no matter what angle I put it I still don't recognize myself.

I used to think this is just something that all men experience but that they just don't talk about it, so I just brush it aside mentally. I remember I tried to make myself look stereotypically "Masculine" by growing out a goatee beard and wearing an undone button up shirt with a t-shirt underneath.
I hated it. It made me feel so miserable looking at my self, it made me want to scratch my facial hair off so I shaved it off and went back to wearing hoodies.

This changed when I shaved head bald and I felt a spark, because I looked how I wanted to I felt as If was looking at me and I didn't hate it, I liked what I saw.

Being bald and looking at myself at that state made me learn that I have different mental images of my self when I go day to day, sometimes I would imagine myself looking a certain way and other times I looking like something else but when I would look at my self in my reflection wither it be a shiny surface or the mirror I world feel surprised, like I forgot that I looked like that?

Just the other day I was in the bathroom looking at the mirror, I look at my face, and I felt it again
I stood still
I looked into the strangers eyes
He was standing and looking at me too
I felt as if the mirror was a window to someone else's house
I felt a bit vertigo
I asked him "is that you Asterix?"
And the stranger asked me the same question and I felt as if he was speaking to me directly

I wasn't me!

I started to panic!
I asked him with my other names
"Is that you Alex!"
"Is that you Jaime!"

I wasn't me!

I went to my room and looked into the cupboard mirror and looked at my self. I took my hand and put it front my head so that i wouldn't see my face. I didn't hate my body but when I slowly put my hand away to see the strangers face, I was frightened!
I put my hand back were it was, I opened my fingers and I saw the strangers eyes, I was scared!
I jump away from my reflection and held onto the cupboard door, breathing heavily with fear!

____________________________________________________________________________________

I think I realized that this isn't something a can just brush aside anymore, this is a problem. I don't think it's normal to think this way. I don't know why I feel this way but I do and I don't want too. I'm not looking for attention, I'm not writing a Steven king horror! This happened to me!

So yeah I don't recognize myself in the mirror. Let me know if you have a similar problem of if you have eny advise on what I should do to deal with this?

Thank you,
~ TheBlackRabbit

white knight

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for being so honest and brave.

I have had adolescent low self worth but haven't had what you describe. However many years ago I had a therapist identify my unrealistic thoughts of intrusive thoughts. Say I took a sickie from work, I'd imagine (with fear) my boss driving past to see if I was gardening. Or I'd be driving along and imagining a light aircraft slamming into my car. With all these thoughts I had to train my mind to discount intrusive thoughts at the same time encourage myself to accept productive and real thoughts.

That process can be assisted with distraction, less idle time, self help and adding interests.

Self help- The best praise you'll ever get - Beyond Blue Forums - 134999 https://share.google/mH7s4LGRJl6B9BnoP

Expanding interests- Depression-distraction and variety - Beyond Blue Forums - 275790 https://share.google/zEJ5eEt62Ymjl3LW9

Unrealistic thoughts- Anxiety and intrusive thoughts - Beyond Blue Forums - 551253 https://share.google/MzS0EzynYI20t79xF

I hope they help.

"One of the greatest achievements in our lifetime is to like ourselves... its also adds to the fun..."

Reply anytime

TonyWK

Eagle Ray

Hi and welcome TheBlackRabbit,

I wasn't sure with your post if you are expressing concern about the possibility of plurality, such as is found in conditions such as DID and OSDD? It's impossible to know from here what might be happening for you. We can certainly experience intrusive thoughts, as Tony identifies. Some people do, however, have dissociative identities. It's important to not jump to any conclusions though.

I now know I have DID - dissociative identity disorder, and it came into consciousness while already in the process of working with my psychologist on complex trauma issues. I am a system of currently 18 parts. I did the Dissociative Experiences Scale II test and scored high on it. I also conducted the Maladaptive Daydreaming test and scored very low on it. This was one factor in beginning to grasp I may have dissociative identities. Both of these tests are professionally developed and freely available online.

If you are having ongoing confusion about your identity, it may be a good idea to consult a mental health professional. You can get a referral with a mental health care plan from your GP to see a psychologist. If you have a complex trauma history, which is present in those with DID and OSDD, you can speak with the Blue Knot Foundation on 1300 657 380. They have some knowledge/awareness of dissociative identity stemming from childhood trauma and may be able to refer you to a mental health practitioner. It's important to note that if you are dealing with something like DID or OSDD (and it's important not to jump to that conclusion), it is very difficult to find mental health professionals who are experienced in it, so someone who is trauma-informed and competent at understanding complex trauma and dissociation is at least a necessary baseline, even if they don't have experience with DID or OSDD.

I am mentioning these things but whatever is happening for you may be something completely different. DID has become very popular in social media online now, and it is important to note that the way it is often presented is not the way most people with DID actually are in everyday life. Many people are choosing to perform their identities, dressing up in different clothes/costumes, changing appearance, accents etc. 94% of people with DID do not present like this in daily life and the identity switches are imperceptible. They literally seem like the same person no matter which identity is fronting. I would say that if you are worried, check in with a mental health professional. There are good resources online now such as the podcasts Healing My Parts and A Couple of Multiples. The earlier episodes of these podcasts deal with things like diagnosis and discovering you are a dissociative system. The CTAD YouTube channel is also a useful resource for people with multiple identities with many short videos on different topics. Exploring these resources may help you to clarify a sense of what is happening for you if it's relevant.

You don't want to freak yourself out that you have multiple identities if you may not. When I look in the mirror or at photos I have trouble kind of recognising myself. I have always felt this way and it makes sense now that I know I have a dissociative disorder. But there are various reasons that could be happening for you and it's important to, firstly, not panic, and, secondly, just explore to try to understand it. You can research resources on multiple identities and speak with mental health professionals. Feel free to share more of your experiences here if it helps. I am happy to answer questions about my own experiences if it helps, keeping in mind I am just one person with a dissociative identity condition and it varies between people, and we don't know whether what I experience is the same issue that you are experiencing. Take care.

Eagle Ray

P.S. If you want to do the Maladaptive Daydreaming test, look for the MDS-16 test as there are other things online that are purporting to be a test for Maladaptive Daydreaming but are not the professionally developed test scale and something quite different.

Eagle Ray

P.P.S. Just also noting that tests like the DES-II and MDS-16 are guides only, not a form of diagnosis. They are just indicators for further exploration. People with multiple identities can also have their results vary on the DES-II depending on who is fronting in their system, so experienced clinicians recommend the test is done a few times, not just once.

the black rabbit

Hi White Knight,

Thank you for the reply

Reading your post, I thought your experience with intrusive thoughts was relatable. I remember my brother would yell at me for making a mistake or doing something stupid, so because of that I would think a lot about what people thought about me. I would have an unrealistic fear that people would yell or scream at me for something. (the brain doing survival tactics I suppose)

Thankfully I realised why I have these thoughts so I'm at least aware of it, It was a factor in my social anxiety.

There are lots of examples of me having intrusive thoughts or ideas that I can't stop thinking about.

I might look more into this.
Thanks again,
~TheBlackRabbit

therising

Hi Asterix

What you describe sounds fascinating and terrifying at the same time. I absolutely thrive on a sense of wonder and couldn't help but wonder about a variety of possibilities. I think the variety factor depends on who you ask (as to what they think it is) and the nature or the condition of the person experiencing it.

'The Caputo effect' (named after Giovanni Caputo) is largely based on how the brain perceives the face in changing ways after staring at it for a certain amount of time in the mirror, creating a type of hallucination or illusion
Based on different facets of self or different identities (either one) is more so about how we perceive ourself differently, based on which facet of ourself or identity we're experiencing at the time of looking in the mirror. One aspect is something Eagle Ray touches on, different identities. When looking at ourself through the mind or identity of a child, we could be shocked to see a grown adult looking back at us or when looking through the mind or identity of a more assertive or aggressive aspect of ourself, we could feel disgusted to see a victim looking back at us
Soul gazing or mirror gazing is a little outside the square here but it's partly based on the idea that with the eyes being the window to the soul, you can begin to see different more deeper aspects of yourself and your nature. Perhaps you have a (shaved head) zen monk nature to you 🙂
Conditions that involve the brain seriously interacting with different parts of itself. For example, when the part/s relating to imagination start interacting with the visual or auditory parts of the brain, leading what we see or hear in the imagination to appear or sound as being real

Just a handful of different takes. As Eagle Ray mentions, try not to jump to conclusions when it comes to what you're experiencing. While an open mind is a brilliant thing, it pays to be careful with what we're led to imagine or believe through an open mind. To offer a sense of grounding, sometimes it pays to say 'I'm imagining this. I need to ground myself out of what I'm imagining'.

While it can be tempting to stay in the imagination, based on it being downright fascinating, exciting and amazing at times, it can carry us away into serious strife or an altered state of consciousness, amongst other things. Sometimes it pays to simply imagine what works for us, as opposed to imagining what terrifies us. For example, if you can imagine seeing a psychologist and looking in the mirror less often could work for you, sounds like a plan worth imagining.

the black rabbit

Hi Eagle Ray,

Thank you for the reply

I thought about the possibility of having DID, having a sense of Depersonalisation, but like you said I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I can understand why you had that perspective, maybe because I spoke to myself with different names? which is my fault for not giving some context.

I've been experimenting with what I call myself

Asterix is my Legal First name but "Alex" is the first four letters of my middle name, it's a name that I've been playing with because it's a name I can have without legally changing it and also just because I like the name Alex! it's very gender neutral.

The name "Jamie" is from a fictional character I've created who previously went by "James" but chose to change their name while coming to terms with her trans identity.

I don't know why I asked myself with that name, maybe because I like the idea of being called Jamie? I thought about it but I never tried it out.

but yeah, I'll have a look at the MDS-16 or DES-II test just to see what they say.

Thanks a lot,

~Blackrabbit

P.S How are you doing today? I don't think I've ever met someone with DID before, I've seen people with it on documentaries but never in person.

I'd like to know what it's like to deal with it.

Don't worry about being mentally interesting, I'm Niro-divergent so I know how it feels to be a little bit different 🙂

Eagle Ray

Hi TheBlackRabbit,

I wondered if you were thinking about DID. You can also have Depersonalisation without the DID, and that can give you a sense of not being yourself or being outside yourself. It sounds like you are exploring your identity. It's good to have a sense of a name that feels like it fits you. Yes, some names have that gender neutrality. Charlie comes to mind - I've known both male and female Charlies. The MD-16 and DES-II might give you some insight into yourself. It can just be generally interesting, learning how you tick.

I'm ok today thanks. I managed to make a big life decision and feel pretty much at peace with it, so that is a good thing.

An interesting thing about DID is it's much more common than people realise. It's actually a bit more common than schizophrenia, bipolar and OCD. It also has the same prevalence as natural red heads, so it's possible you may have met someone with it and not known it. Until recently it was thought to be very rare. As psychology and psychiatry ignored dissociation for a long time, it just went under the radar. It also tends to be often invisible as it is a covert disorder linked to early trauma. It literally hides itself by delegating roles to different parts which is part of the adaptive trauma survival response. Amnesia is part of the condition, so a person can go a long time before they realise they have the different identities and experience lost time and confusing episodes until they find out. That was me for most of my life!

I've only known for a year that I have it. People can go years or decades before their dissociative system emerges into consciousness. It's very strange at first. I first sensed the presence of one of the parts and then heard him speak back to a thought I had. Then there was another main part. For a while there was 3 of us, and then they just kept spilling through. Each time a new part emerges it is quite unsettling, like suddenly having a new member of a family, but then we adjust. Some of the parts carry significant trauma and go through flashbacks which is not pleasant, but we are learning to work as a team to help manage this and resolve the trauma. Different parts have different skills. Some act as protectors, some are very survival focussed, and some are nurturers who look after the little ones in the system. There is a small baby through to seniors. Developing internal communication is the key to managing the condition. Some people integrate into what is called functional multiplicity where they still have parts and it's working well, and others experience fusion so they become a single identity (but sometimes parts re-emerge down the track).

Sometimes there is a blackout where one part takes over and other parts are unaware. Other times I can observe as if outside of the body the person who is in the body, but I'm not in control of what they do, but as we build communication skills sometimes I can communicate across to them now. Sometimes two or more parts co-front at the same time. Other times I am blended with another part so that our emotions are all mixed up together and that can be very difficult. It's helped at times to have my psychologist or someone at the Blue Knot Foundation help me separate from the part and then it's possible to help that part, as well as a relief to not be stuck in their emotions.

I would be interested to learn more about you too. I'm also on the neurodivergent side of things with autistic and ADHD traits. I haven't been formally diagnosed with those, partly because of the cost and partly because I'm not sure it's necessary in my case. My psychologist is not specifically trained in those areas so hasn't done the formal diagnosis, though she can see that I have those traits.

It's good that things are more open about neurodivergence now, isn't it. It's like the full diversity of humanity is seen more than it used to be. Anyway, I hope you are feeling a bit less worried about things. I'm happy to chat if you would like to chat more 🙂

white knight

Such excellent replies here.

TonyWK