Chronic Depression

M-aggie

I feel like a failure, I recently got out of a major depressive episode with the help of therapy and a new antidepressant prescription. I was feeling really good but now I feel myself slipping back into that feeling and its so frustrating because I was just telling my therapist how much better I am doing and she was really happy for me and I told her I don't need as much sessions. But now I feel like a liar and a burden because I don't want to worry my family again. I just want to be better. I don't want a bigger dose of antidepressants either, im so sick of medication. I want to get better on my own and not be dependent on medication to feel half normal. Everything is a failure in my life, my mental health, my relationships, my job is a joke. I started self harming again. I just want to be better.

ViolettaZ

Hi M-aggie,

Thank you for opening up and sharing this with us.

It sounds like depression may be pulling you into a very self-critical place, where you’re judging your mental health, your relationships, and your job quite harshly. Sometimes the reality isn’t as negative as it feels, during a depressive episode, it can be much harder to see anything beyond the downsides. You might consider writing down even one small thing each day that brings you a bit of happiness or comfort. When you’re in a depressive episode, reading those notes may help things feel slightly less overwhelming.

It’s understandably discouraging, but depression is sometimes not something that can be completely ‘cured.’ It often comes in waves, with ups and downs over time. What we can work toward is learning how to cope with it and live alongside it. Do you have any personal strategies that have helped you before? You might also reflect on times when you were able to successfully get through a milder depressive episode.

Medication can feel frustrating and tiring, but given that you’ve started self-harming again, it would be really important to speak with your GP. Please don’t feel ashamed; GPs are professionals and understand how difficult depression can be. You’re not letting anyone down by reaching out for help.

When you notice negative emotions building up, trying a short walk or changing your environment may help shift your mood. You could also consider reaching out to support services such as Lifeline or Beyond Blue. Writing their phone numbers down in advance may make it easier to access support when you need it.

You don’t have to go through this alone.

Warm regards🤗
ViolettaZ

therising

Hi M-aggie

You're definitely not a failure, not at all. Took me many years to realise just because I'm failing to make sense of something or failing to be happy about something or failing to find my way in life at times, such things don't make me a failure. There are a handful of words I've wiped from the English language (in my mind) and 'failure' is one of them. Another would be 'shame' amongst a number of other typically depressing words. Neither of those 2 words is uplifting or productive in any way whatsoever. These words don't serve us, whereas there are plenty of other words that do.

For a sensitive person (someone with the ability to sense) the 'in-between' can be such a brutal place. For example, we could say

I'm stuck in-between the last time I felt a sense of orientation or direction and the next time I will feel it. I'm now stuck sensing what 'completely lost' feels like
I'm stuck in-between the last job I enjoyed and the next job I'll enjoy. I'm feeling myself stuck in a job that leads me to sense what 'no joy' feels like
I'm stuck in-between the last time I felt natural highs and the next time I'll come to feel them. I'm stuck sensing what 'a depressing low' feels like

May sound a little weird but you could say we're not designed to be happy all the time, we're designed to sense or feel instead. You can obviously feel what raises you and what brings you down, such as a sense of progress having a raising, rising or uplifting feeling or a sense of a lack of progress feeling like a downer.

I think it's fair for sensitive people to question on the odd occasion 'What the hell am I sensing, specifically?'. Sometimes it can involve a whole combo of what feel like stressful and/or depressing things or even people in our life. Btw, it can also be incredibly challenging to switch off from feeling so much on occasion. Not being able to switch of can become mentally and physically exhausting. Not a fan of depressing levels of low energy, personally. Being a natural sensitive or feeler requires so much self understanding and self development, a life long commitment that involves graduating to higher and higher levels of ability.

M-aggie, it's not my fault I can feel depressing elements of a job that I seriously need to leave. It's not my fault I can feel depressing elements of my marriage. It's not my fault I can feel depressing aspects of some of my belief systems, questionable perception at times or challenging inner dialogue. With the ability to feel the depressing nature of all these things, how can that point to my fault. How I manage what feels depressing is a whole other story. One belief system that holds a significant lot of faults is 'There's something wrong with sensitive people'. As a matter of fact, I've learned that if I want to get a better sense of why I'm struggling with something or someone's nature, I'm best consulting a sensitive person and see what they'd be able to pick up on or sense about the situation or nature of that person. I imagine you'd have this ability to some degree.

M-aggie

I think its just frustrating when im still feeling low after doing the things you're supposed to do. Like I'll get outside and go for a walk or like I go to the gym every second say. I went to the beach today and swam and sun-baked and got home and cried. I just dont know what I'm supposed to do.

therising

Hi M-aggie

My heart goes out to you so much, so very much. I hate that feeling, when I sit in wonder in regard to 'What's wrong with me? Why do I continue to suffer so much? When will I ever stop feeling this way?' and the list goes on. It's the feeling of being stuck in torment and despair, amongst a whole stack of other feelings that can resemble a form of torture.

It's been closed to 25 years since I took an antidepressant. I've found not being on antidepressants entails being forced to discover the things I can't live without or struggle to live without. Both you and I can't easily live without a really solid guide at times. M-aggie, there's no harm in going back to see your therapist sooner rather than later. If she makes a difference to you that you can really feel then she's a key guide in your life. It's amazing how we can be surrounded by people but only one or two of those people are key guides. They unlock so much. Btw, I happen to live with 2 of my key guides, my son and daughter who are highly intuitive and brilliant in their guidance. Don't feel bad about having to go outside the house to speak to your guide. There'll be other things you'll find along your path in life that will make a difference to how you experience and feel life. I wish I could see the list in my mind and give it to you right here and now, so that you didn't have to go through the process of gradually finding those things over time.

Not sure if it will be of any help but I'll offer some other things I've come to find over time that I can't easily live without. I can't easily live without

An open mind. I've come to consider a number of outside the square ways of living or perceiving life. When everything conventional inside the square makes no difference, the only other option is to go outside of it. For example, while conventional western medicine can be incredibly beneficial and necessary in some cases, in other cases traditional eastern medicine can hold the key. Or while life can appear rather dull based on inside the square ways of seeing it, quantum physics offers a fascinating and mind blowing outside the square way of seeing life from a purely energetic perspective
A well exercised and strategic imagination. With this example, you don't have to fully believe in what you imagine, you just have to imagine it. If you're a natural daydreamer this will be fairly easy. Go into a daydream and imagine yourself in an environment where you meet with someone or something that holds the answer to your question. Whoever or whatever you're asking can be whatever you want. It can be a purple talking rabbit, an angel, a fairy, someone famous from history etc. Pretty much anyone or anything you can relate to or you find amusing, wise or comforting. The ultimate challenge is to not think. The answer has to naturally come to you without thinking. I know, easier said than done. It can take some practice
Figure out what is not a fault of yours. For example, 'It's no my fault I'm sensitive and other people are insensitive. It's not my fault I can't see the way forward, I just haven't learned how to develop my ability to see it. It's not my fault I need a guide/therapist/teacher of some kind when I want to learn how to navigate life and better understand how I work' and so on. Then figure out what is a fault and address it. One of my faults or flaws comes down to choosing what's easy, as opposed to choosing what's most productive (which can come with some challenging emotions)
Trust your ability to feel when inspiration's there vs when it's not there. While people could try and inspire us with 'Why don't you go to the gym' or 'You should get out there and meet people' and stuff like that, we may feel zero inspiration in that. On the other hand, someone could inspire us to meditate on a talking purple rabbit that holds all the answers (which sounds completely insane) and we may feel a hint of inspiration and amusement. Go with whatever feels inspiring and see where it leads