I think I need help

[mandy6]

I  am in my final year of high school and there is an omnipresence of depression in my life.
Some things I believe to be causing this depression are
-The lack of people to talk to about my problems. I have one friend who I actually like and would never talk to her about these problems, not only would I not want to put the burden on her but it would lead to an awkward conversation and she would probably tell the school counsellor which would raise other issues because this would lead to other social issues at my school. My family sucks and i haven't spoken to any of them with sincerity  since I can remember. In general I dislike most people or have superficial relationships with people, this means that I am unable to discuss my thoughts with anyone.
- I have no ambition. This is what the most influential teacher at my school told me and perhaps it's true, however, by putting it into words it made it more of a reality. Why should I care whether I get a perfect score  or just a pass, my life does not revolve around school, and I have lead myself to believe that there are more important things in life than school and that if we want to address them  then we -as in society- have to place more emphasis on them rather than on a degree. And I am not saying that being educated is not important, because it is extremely important, but I am saying that the education system is a business and everyone is trying to exploit us usually for money and reputation. I am refusing to put up with letting people decide for me what my virtues "should" be and what society "thinks" I should become.
-I lack emotion. Not really, I think a lot of things are funny and am happy quite often, especially when I am around other people, and I don't know if I am just putting on a facade of false happiness to stop people from caring about me or if it genuine, because when I believe a lie for a long period of time it becomes difficult to distinguish between reality and lies. On the other hand whenever I want to, need to or even should feel sad I can't instead I just feel anger, confusion, and frustration. It's as if I have all of this sadness inside of me which I push aside but then when it surfaces I can't release it. It's like in the pitch drop experiment. I am waiting for the drop to come and know it will come but don't know when. When it does come I will have a relieving release of emotions but until then I have them bottled inside of me and therefore constantly depressed.
-lack of empathy. I am unable to empathise with people that I know, and maybe this is why I don't tell people things because when they tell me about their insecurities and anxieties I truly don't care, and I try really hard to pretend like I care but I don't. another problem is that I lack the ability to cry when I am sad. I am sure that if I could cry I would be able to release my bottled sadness. Sometimes when it gets really bad I watch a really sad movie and for some reason I am able to cry for the characters in the film, it feels really good to cry I wish I could do it more often.
-finally when people are kind to me I get really confused and it makes me "sad" (as i defined earlier). maybe it's because my family consists of only unloving people who are self centered and impossible to have a conversation with. The only words we share are cold and monosyllabic therefore when people are genuinely compassionate towards me (this is rare because I usually block and avoid all kinds of compassionate circumstances) I feel as if they are trying to make me vulnerable so that they can then go on to attack my already weak self esteem.

I know I have some sort of problem, but haven't seen anyone about it and am not planning on seeing anyone, I just wanted to share my thoughts because my depression was coming to a low and I had read  that talking to people helps. Since I have no one to talk to I thought this would be the next best option.

[Neil_1]

Dear Mandy

Welcome to Beyond Blue and it is so great that you have found this site and come here and posted your thread.  Wow, and there's a great amount of detail in it also.

My first thought though is when you said it confuses you when people are kind to you.  I'm sorry Mandy, but you're going to end up totally confused after being here for a while, because that's all that people on this site are - kind, compassionate, caring, giving advice, sharing experiences and above all else, being 100% supportive.

I am disappointed to hear though that you aren't in the mindset to seek out some professional assistance because as you've written, you do have a problem - and that's what GP's are there for - to assist with these kinds of issues.  I'll mention this to you, just on the chance that you 'may' take this up:  on this site Beyond Blue have a listing of GP's, which you can do a search for and hopefully find one or more within your local area.  These GP's are on here because they are all fully qualified in being able to deal with mental health issues.

I'm so sorry to hear that your family isn't as harmonious a family unit as what some others are - but having said that, this is not a situation where you're on your own in either.  It's that old adage - you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family.

I do challenge you on one of your admissions - lacking emotion.  Just reading through your post, you display lots of emotion throughout - I'm not trying to be silly here, I'm just saying that you do appear to be a very intelligent young lady, who is able to display her emotions and who also has a strong sense of what's wrong and what's right.

I can understand you not wishing to have your school counsellor involved, and that's why I think if you can seek out alternative professional assistance that this will be such a positive move for you.  And really, let's face it, school counsellors are good for what they do - but they are not qualified at all in dealing with mental health issues.

May I ask what interests/hobbies do you have?  Things that you enjoy?   Are you into sport or music, drama, art?? 

I'll finish this off at the moment, but Mandy I would really love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[mandy6]

Hi Neal,

You're right people on here are just really kind.
Of course I have hobbies, I involve myself actively in school activities such as the playing in the band band and joining inter-school sporting competitions, but outside of school I don't do anything more than watch movies and read. Also school work basically consumes my life so whatever spare time I have I spend on completing assignments.

[geoff]

dear Mandy, that's a great reply from Neil, and yes welcome aboard, but yes again for what Neil has said.

You are an intelligent young girl, almost an adult soon, and to be able to talk to your girlfriend and disclose your depression probably isn't a good idea, and I say this, because when most of us here on this site have done this to our closest friends, we never see them again, nor do they want to have any contact with us again, and maybe the word would spread around the school of your illness, and that's the last thing that you want to happen.

It's impossible to have any ambition when your depression blocks all of this, so why would you even consider being a professor of physics, or a teacher in medicine, simply because it's all too much, not that you think about all the work and studies that you would need to do, but you look at the end result only, so what's the point, you have no desire at all.

Any emotion that you do show, is only fake, so as we say here 'you put on a fake face', and if those people who you are talking to actually believe that this emotion is real, but it's not, it's far from it, it's only a pretend enjoyment, and the sooner you can get away from all this ******** the better.

There is no way someone with depression can be genuinely happy, the only emotion is by ourselves when go to our bedroom, hop into bed and cry.

Everybody is different when it does comes to crying, because it can happen intermittently, quite often or not all all, but if it doesn't happen then this doesn't mean that you aren't depressed, because depression doesn't mean that you should be crying, far from it, it's our actual mood, our thoughts and our mind that does show or indicate that depression prevails.

No one can overcome depression by themselves, they may believe they can, but the deep problems are always forgotten about, you want to forget about them, because firstly you can not find any answers to solve them, so you just pitty patty around the less important issues, thinking that you all of a sudden feel much better, OK this may work for a short period, but then bang those deep down problems always come back to haunt you, and that's why we have to trust in consulting with a GP to start off with. Geoff. x

[karibear]

As someone in the same position only a year ago I hope I can be of relevance to you.

I don't have anyone to talk to about my problems either. My friends don't understand and my family don't believe in having mental issues. Even though I never verbally started my problems I did deal with them in different ways. You don't have to speak to exert out your problems. I would relax with a book or with some music. But if it's a problem you can't necessarily get rid of it's important to talk to someone. You feel like you have no one but you have forums like these, professionals and counsellors. 

You're lack of ambition really saddens me. Just because your teacher tells you, you have no ambition doesn't mean it's true. AT ALL. Everyone has ambition, you had it to come to this site to relieve your depression. Don't ever believe you can't be ambitious because it's important to have. And I have to say your ideas about school is what I have heard time and time again on tumblr. I don't like school either the education system is flawed but take what you can get from school. Grades, friends, relationships. School is what you make of it. While it's not for everyone try to turn your mindset into seeing school as an opportunity rather than a demon. 

Don't worry I lack emotion too and from the same reasons as you do. But like I said before exert your anger and sadness somewhere. Find happiness in things you like or love. You don't have to smile but as long as you're happy on the inside that's what matters.

Anyways I've had a friend exactly like you before. All he saw was the bad in the world and the bad in people. But he got pass his depression. Instead of sitting there and observing people he got up and started socializing. And although it didn't change the bad he saw in people he began seeing the good in the world. Once he saw that he could overlook it. That's my advice to you really, be brave, talk to people and see the good. It won't take overnight no one can change the mind that has stayed in the negative outlook overnight. But all I say is to try. Remember you're a smart and beautiful girl with the all the potential in the world. You're by no means perfect but accept yourself and you will accept others.

i wish you luck 🙂 

[mandy6]

thanks for the kind reply and the luck it's really nice of you to take the time to do things like this.
like you, I am also saddened by my lack of ambition, and rather than being a result of being depressed I feel like it is a cause. I just literally try really hard to care about things but can't maybe it's because I'm bad at most things and because I have no perseverance. 
Also you mentioned that "you don't have to smile, being happy on the inside is what matters" but it's not hard to smile but it's impossible to be happy on the inside. Is there a secret to happiness?? Someone told me a long time ago that if you hold a pencil in your teeth and force yourself to smile for a minute it makes you actually really happy, I've tried it a few times and it works for about a minute or so but then the affects ware off and I'd look like an idiot if I held a pencil in my teeth all of the time.

Also I find it extremely difficult to talk to people and not because I don't enjoy socializing, because I do it's just that I have no one to socialize with. As well as this, whenever I am in a group of people I don't know what to talk about. this is because most of the people are usually really boring, self adsorbed, and stupid, and their conversation reflects this. I'm afraid that if I contribute to the conversation I would be just as bad as these people. and that's not necessarily a bad thing because it happens to be the norm, however I spend a lot of my time focusing on what other people think of me, and how they can interpret what I say. Because I am such a judgmental person I have this idea that everyone else is just as judgmental so I refuse to talk to anyone to prevent them from having anything to judge me for.
anyway I went off onto a bit of a ramble there, sorry about that, also I'm not bothered to read over what I wrote to make sure it makes sense so I'm sorry for any lack of clarity.
thank you for responding to my post, it was very helpful and you seem like a really nice person.