So this my depression story thing

[emiveritas]

Okay so first off, let me introduce myself, kinda. I'm Emi, 20 year old Education student. I know I'm doing okay in my course but the rest of my life leaves a little to be desired.

I'll keep this relatively short and sweet in point form:

- Overweight most of my life, recently started going back the gym but afraid I'll never lose weight

- Constantly compare myself to others

- Never can really fit into a group

- Constantly worried and scared, with a little knotty feeling in the chest

- Cant do stuff people my age do due to family, my parents put a curfew staying out past 8 or 9pm and they need the numbers of everyone I know

- I feel like I'm constantly living life for my family instead of myself, and I feel like I'm living a lie

- I'm bisexual and apparently my sexuality doesn't exist

- I feel like I'm never good enough

- People always push me away when they find someone prettier, funnier and more outgoing than me

- Most days I feel are kinda wasted 

- I love my job but the pay sucks

- I've never travelled outside the country and I feel like I'm missing out

- I had an affair that left me badly burnt and unable to trust as easily as I used to

- I hate being lonely but I also hate being in social situations

- I haven't been genuinely happy in years and have repeated suicidal thoughts

- I feel fat, ugly and unloved

- I don't want to be around my family anymore

.... and that's about it.

[Zbigniew]

Hi Emi,

Welcome to Beyond Blue.  I'm sorry for what you are experiencing and i hope that you find the advice here useful.  I like the way you have presented your thoughts - point form is so much easier to read.  I'll provide an answer to each of your points;

1. Overweight most of my life, recently started going back the gym but afraid I'll never lose weight

Good on you for going to the gym.  Perserverence is the key to weight loss.  However don't focus too much on weight loss.  Focus more on healthy living which includes diet and exercise. 

2. Constantly compare myself to others

Everyone has their flaws and most people wish they could change in some sort of way.  Everyone is unique with their individual strengths and weaknesses.  You don't need to compare yourself to others.

3. Never can really fit into a group

Don't compromise your values just to fit into a group.  What are your interests?

4. Constantly worried and scared, with a little knotty feeling in the chest

Sounds like anxiety.  Have you received help?  Yoga / pilates helps me

5. Can't do stuff people my age do due to family, my parents put a curfew staying out past 8 or 9pm and they need the numbers of everyone I know

Your parents sound controlling.  At 20 years old you are an adult and you are entitled to your independence

6. I feel like I'm constantly living life for my family instead of myself, and I feel like I'm living a lie

I know this feeling well.  It seems like your family have certain expectations of you which is probably part of their controlling nature.  You are entitled to live your life how you want you are your own person.

7. I'm bisexual and apparently my sexuality doesn't exist

You are entitled to be in a relationship with who ever you want.  Your sexuality shouldn't be anyone elses business.

8.  I feel like I'm never good enough

You are good enough.  You are doing well with your studies - that's great and remember everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.  What are your strengths?

9. People always push me away when they find someone prettier, funnier and more outgoing than me

That's their loss and if that is the case then they are superficial and not worth having as friends to begin with.  Stay true to yourself

10. Most days I feel are kinda wasted

What motivates you?  What are your interests?

11. I love my job but the pay sucks

That's great that you love your job at least it's something that you look forward to.  I think that's better than having a well paid job that you hate

12. I've never travelled outside the country and I feel like I'm missing out

You are only 20 you have heaps of time for travel.  I didn't travel overseas until i was 27.  You're not missing out and traveling when you are a little older gives you a different perspective which will allow you to get more out of it

13. I had an affair that left me badly burnt and unable to trust as easily as I used to

Everyone makes mistakes.  I've made mine! Consider it as a learning / life experience and move on.  Don't let the guilt hold you back.  You are entitled to move forward with your life.

14. I hate being lonely but I also hate being in social situations 

I can relate strongly to this.  Aim to mix with people that you can relate to and who have similar interests

15. I haven't been genuinely happy in years and have repeated suicidal thoughts

I'm sorry that you feel this way.  Please seek professional help - talking about it will help.

16. I feel fat, ugly and unloved

Everyone deserves to love and to be loved.  We are all beautifully unique individuals with different qualities

17.  I don't want to be around my family anymore

This is understandable considering that they seem to be controlling and have certain expectations of you.  You are at an age where you wish to seek your own independence and express your own individuality and you have the right to do this.  Is moving out an option?

I hope my response is of some help.

Take care and best wishes

Zbigniew

[brobej15]

Hi emiveritas.

I just graduated from an education degree and going through clinical depression. I felt like I needed help. Even through I've finished, I didn't feel like I had celebrated it the way I had. I'll put my story up soon, but just know that if you're feeling like this, and family isn't helping, go ask for someone else to step in. For me, I asked my GP and now I'm on a plan to get back on track. 

I was worried that everything seemed so dark at 24 y o. You're 20. You have a few more years on me. I hope that you find a small light that will get you through your story.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Emi

Welcome to Beyond Blue and there's some great things to mention already:  firstly, great that you've found this site and posted your thread - a very informative post and really well set out to cover loads of issues.  You've given me plenty of fuel to work with so sit back, cause I'm going to get into your post in a short time.

But just before that, I would also like to say "good on you" for getting right into this site and you're already contributing towards others on here.  Great stuff Emi.  🙂

Ok so to your post and what you've listed out, let's get into it.

Awesome points about you doing well in your course and another big tick to you for getting to a gym.  Look the issue with losing weight is such a global issue - it's out there for so many people - but you've taken the step to join a gym.  Are you just going along and getting into it, or have you got a program and maybe even a personal trainer to assist you??  However, the thing with losing weight is not a fast one.  It just cannot be that way - it takes time, it takes PATIENCE and persistence.  It takes discipline, focus and a strong will to do it.  I can talk to you for ages about this, as it's a thing that I have quite a deal of experience in.  But for the time being, I'd love to hear back from you regarding this.

Comparisons to others - yes, that's a sign of mental health issues - we look at others and think, OMG I'll never look like that ... why do I bother.  Things like that.  Something else to chat about later on - I'll move on.

More to work on here - you say you don't fit into groups, but further down you say that you hate being lonely, but you also don't like social situations - so we've got confusion reigning here as well.  Your going to the gym can cause you to meet new people - it really can - if you go on a regular basis and you know, nod to different people at different times;   a quick hi at the water fountain thing - ask someone to spot you with a particular type of exercise.  All very innocent things, but just little tips that could help in getting to quietly know other people.  From that, if you say, strike up a chat with someone and this you know, continues, then as the weeks roll by, if the other person is a regular gym goer, they'll have their particular group of friends and in time, you'll be introduced to others as well.  This is a good thing - because people at a gym, are again, a bit like people on this website.  People going to the gym are for most things, like-minded people - going to the gym for the purpose of either getting fitter, improving their body, wanting to get bigger (muscles), wanting to get smaller (losing unwanted body parts), etc - but you get my drift, yeah?  But Emi, it's all good.

Now, I'm getting a bit carried away with this so I'll have to end it fairly soon before I exceed the word limit - but my question is:  how on earth are your parents allowing you to (a) hold down a job  and  (b) allow you to go to a gym?   I'm sorry, but they seem way too domineering to me.

You enjoy your job, but the pay isn't flash - I'm also sensing very strongly that you would LOVE to move out from where you're living.  Are there things that are holding you to where you are currently living?  I'm sorry, this is probably way too over the top, but is it possible for you to move out?  OR to even move away from the place that you're at?  Probably not an option, but there will be others who will have better ideas of how to deal with your obsessive family situation.

Now Emi - have you been married?  You said you had an affair.  Ok, perhaps you don't have to be married - I guess you must have been in a relationship were you and had an affair on your then partner?   But it ended in you being badly burnt - sorry I might have been off with my earlier thoughts.  But look these things do happen and it's a life experience;  but hey, what you know now can only be of a character building for you - yes, you were hurt and burnt from it - but you've made it through and learnt.

Look I'm just about outta credits here - but I reckon I could write to you for half a day.  🙂  Whoops, sorry about that- that'd be half a day that you'll never ever get back.  🙂

One last thing before I go - and this should have been the first thing:  what professional help do you have right now?  GP's, psyches, or medications?  Please this is super important.

Kind regards

Neil

[emiveritas]

Thanks for your help everyone! 🙂

What are your interests?

My interests include writing, singing, cartoons and sometimes overly geeky things yo find on the internet.

Constantly worried and scared, with a little knotty feeling in the chest - Sounds like anxiety.  Have you received help?  Yoga / pilates helps me

I honestly don't know if it is anxiety, and no, I haven't received help at all.

Your parents sound controlling.  At 20 years old you are an adult and you are entitled to your independence

I'm torn - I want to live my life but I'm scared of losing my family.

You are good enough.  You are doing well with your studies - that's great and remember everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.  What are your strengths?

I don't really know. I guess I'm kind and giving and enthusiastic - especially when it comes to children's literature - but I'm also clingy, aggressive, possessive, intense and I drive people away.

What motivates you?  What are your interests?

Getting to spend timeout by myself or with others motivates me. I crave outings and social company.

Is moving out an option?

Not at this stage. I don't have enough money or a stable career.

[emiveritas]

And now to Neil's post 🙂

Are you just going along and getting into it, or have you got a program and maybe even a personal trainer to assist you??

I don't have a PT yet, because I have barely any money to pay for it 😞

Now, I'm getting a bit carried away with this so I'll have to end it fairly soon before I exceed the word limit - but my question is:  how on earth are your parents allowing you to (a) hold down a job  and  (b) allow you to go to a gym?   I'm sorry, but they seem way too domineering to me.

My parents think that parents allowing their kids to have freedom is something silly that white people do. (We are Mediterranean - Middle Eastern.) And their focus is family. I'm expected to honour and respect my family at all times. I'm willing to do that if they let me breathe, but realistically, I don't think I'll ever get out of this house until I get married, and the thought alone scares the hell out of me.

 I'm sorry, this is probably way too over the top, but is it possible for you to move out?  OR to even move away from the place that you're at?  Probably not an option, but there will be others who will have better ideas of how to deal with your obsessive family situation.

I'd move out straight away if I could. But financially, I can't. Plus I don't want messy arguments to ensue. My parents undermine my abilities and strongly doubt I can live without them.

Now Emi - have you been married?  You said you had an affair.  Ok, perhaps you don't have to be married - I guess you must have been in a relationship were you and had an affair on your then partner? 

It's a complicated thing. No, I was never married, just had a semi-relationship with this beautiful trans girl I was in love with for a really long time. She didn't want a relationship but I did, I still fell in love though.

One last thing before I go - and this should have been the first thing:  what professional help do you have right now?  GP's, psyches, or medications?  Please this is super important.

I don't have any.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Emiveritas,

Before I continue, I love both your username and your profile picture. Mareeps are so cute and fluffy. They would shock you if you hugged them, but I'd do it anyway.

I'd like to both congratulate you on posting on here -  something that takes more strength than people know but I would also like to thank you as you have been posting on others threads as well. It is on thing to talk about the pain when it is happening, and another to help others despite your own pain. I am sure you will fit in here just fine.

You said you wanted to live your life but are scared of losing your family. Would it surprise you to know that you could live your life without losing your family? I know financial pressures mean that moving out right now is not possible, but maybe if you just have a plan for saving and/or a friend you could move out with it might help. We can't rush time, but we can plan for what to do when things do eventually happen. I'm sure your parents would feel better if you were moving out with someone else as opposed to living alone.

You can honour and respect family without having to comply with their every whim. I'm sure they want the best for you, and want you to succeed in life. Maybe moving out is what you need to do that. The lesson that you can disagree with someone and still love them, particularly when it is family is a lesson I have learned recently myself.

Love should not be conditional.

I would also urge you to go see a GP about this difficulty you are facing. BB has GP's which are specially trained in mental health, listed at the top of the page under 'find a professional'. They can help you get access, free if need be to psychologists or therapists that might help. Your family doesn't need to know - doctors are bound by confidentiality.

I hate being lonely but I also hate being in social situations. It's amazing what our minds produce isn't it. I know exactly how you feel on that statement. I would say, however that being alone and being lonely don't mean the same thing. I am heavily introverted, and I quite frequently need time to be alone.
Does that mean I am lonely when I am alone? No.
Does that mean I am lonely when I am alone? No.
Do I hate being lonely? Yes.

I have a very small circle of friends - three of them plus my husband and cats. Due to issues I don't really communicate with my family. There are larger friends but they are the kind that will like a post on facebook but not actually care enough to help you out in dire consequences. Another poster on here, told me that quality is greater than quantity. I may have only three good friends, but they are the kind I can rely on and who can rely on me. There is nothing wrong with having so few.

So maybe you need to find friends who you can be with and understand your desire to not be in social situations so often, and care for you regardless. Hard to find, yes, but they do exist. Romantically, loneliness is harsh. However, I tihnk you would now deep down that going out and being in social situations you can't stand with people you may or may not be able to tolerate will not fill the gap of having a partner, if only for a while. who can truly understand you and want to be with you. THe question now, is how to find that partner.

Hope you can post back soon,

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi Emi

Great to hear back from you and also as I thought would happen, you've had some other really awesome responses back to you - giving advice and support.

As you have said, you haven't sought out professional assistance, I would strongly urge you to follow GA's advice to you - to seek out assistance and the best way (if you don't already have a doctor who you know is good) is to follow what GA suggested by searching for one on this website.

You should hopefully be able to arrange all this without your parents knowing, if that's how you'd like to do this.

I still think that it's great that you've got the gym membership - are you finding that you're getting into a routine with going along?  Emi, I hope that you're enjoying your experience when you are there?

May I ask, when you say cartoons - is that watching them, or do you have an artistic talent?  You know being able to sing is a wonderful thing - to actually know that your voice is good.  I would so love to be able to sing - but I'm horrible, but hey, when you're in your car by yourself and you've got a CD on, well, no-one else can hear and I do enjoy having a lash then.  🙂

Kind regards

Neil

[emiveritas]

GA- I actually have a wonderful partner who I first met a year ago and got into a relationship with only very recently. He calls me regularly and just sits and listens to my problems, something I'm incredibly thankful for having. I do love him very much.

Also Neil, I'm going pretty well with the whole gym thing. Plus by cartoons, I mean  watching them. I'm not creative enough to do the whole animating thing. 🙂